Venting Losing sight of my mission

[UninformedLover]

It's now June and I was supposed to kill myself all the way back in freaking March but I've just been dragging my feet and lollygagging. As always. Technically Ive been meaning to kill myself since I was 13yrs old and look how well that turned out. I guess... part of the reason why I haven't gotten my affairs in order is because the depression and exhaustion makes it hard to do anything but lie in bed but today I realized that I need to actually lock in so I can be rid of this godawful existence. I'm so over it. No amount of medication or therapy is about to fix the massive pile of shit that is my life. The only thing that'll work is blowing my fucking brains out.

 

[LeavingEarly]

I feel the same way

 

[TAW122]

I felt the same too, but my difference is the fact that my external circumstances (outside of my control) aren't conducive towards my plan to CTB. Though about 5-6 years ago, I had my chance but sadly I didn't go through and lived through the pandemic, then through the shitshow of sentience that is ongoing. However, I am still determined towards getting it over with whenever the time and circumstance is right for me. I cannot and will not haphazardly rush towards CTB as I want to be 100% or very close to that of certainty before going through with it. CTB is not something that I would want to half-ass or do anything that is less than optimal for success especially all the ramifications of failure.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

part of the reason why I haven't gotten my affairs in order is because the depression and exhaustion makes it hard to do anything

That's exactly right. I really feel for you. That's how it is for me every single day. I should have been done getting my affairs in order at least a year ago. It's a constant fight to make myself do anything. My energy is damn near nonexistent most days, or short bursts here and there. It's hard to do anything when it's like that.