jenny6391bubbles
a hikikomori waiting to catch the bus
- Mar 1, 2021
- 96
I'm getting burned out from dancing multiple times a week and I try my best not to let it show in my voice and in my face. If I don't like dancing anymore, what's left of me? What good am I?
I get told this multiple times but I need to keep practicing outside of training hours to see improvement. I don't get to practice outside of class and training because training ends really late and sometimes I don't even get enough energy to eat dinner when I get home. Every time I'm in a class or I'm training, it feels like I'm the worst dancer in the group and it's like I don't ever improve at all. I feel like there's not enough time and energy for me to improve decently.
I also hate watching myself dance because I make so many mistakes and I look so awful. I also really hate looking at myself in a mirror, but I'm only comfortable enough to just bear it when I need to put on skincare, makeup, etc. I hate having to practice speeches or whatever in front of a mirror. I hate having to look at myself dance while staring into a mirror.
My self-hate and low self-esteem are so powerful it's like I don't think I'll be able to love myself and give myself validation and comfort ever. I end up looking for validation through other people and I know it's bothersome for me and the others, so I really, really don't know what to do now.
Also, putting this there, but yes, I go to therapy. I have a mental health disorder that takes at least 10 years of therapy for it to go into remission. I wonder if anyone is willing to put up with me for that long. I guess I'll just try to practice being alone and being comfortable with the feelings of loneliness. I do wish my attempt back in 2019 actually made me die. Sure, I've gotten some fun new experiences, but I don't think it was worth it all. Especially since the pandemic came the year after and we all know how that made people feel.
I get told this multiple times but I need to keep practicing outside of training hours to see improvement. I don't get to practice outside of class and training because training ends really late and sometimes I don't even get enough energy to eat dinner when I get home. Every time I'm in a class or I'm training, it feels like I'm the worst dancer in the group and it's like I don't ever improve at all. I feel like there's not enough time and energy for me to improve decently.
I also hate watching myself dance because I make so many mistakes and I look so awful. I also really hate looking at myself in a mirror, but I'm only comfortable enough to just bear it when I need to put on skincare, makeup, etc. I hate having to practice speeches or whatever in front of a mirror. I hate having to look at myself dance while staring into a mirror.
My self-hate and low self-esteem are so powerful it's like I don't think I'll be able to love myself and give myself validation and comfort ever. I end up looking for validation through other people and I know it's bothersome for me and the others, so I really, really don't know what to do now.
Also, putting this there, but yes, I go to therapy. I have a mental health disorder that takes at least 10 years of therapy for it to go into remission. I wonder if anyone is willing to put up with me for that long. I guess I'll just try to practice being alone and being comfortable with the feelings of loneliness. I do wish my attempt back in 2019 actually made me die. Sure, I've gotten some fun new experiences, but I don't think it was worth it all. Especially since the pandemic came the year after and we all know how that made people feel.
