Losing my nerve

[Kadaver]

I told myself I would do it on my birthday. I swore. Now my birthday is coming up in the next few weeks and I feel paralyzed. I want this to be over. I've had enough of this life. I don't want to be in pain anymore. I don't want to fear death anymore. I don't want to exist anymore. I just want this to be over. But I still can't do it. I still can't gather the nerve to order SN. I keep thinking about my future; what it'll likely look like to try and push myself to suicide but I just can't place the order. Maybe I'll change methods. Maybe I'll step in front of a train or try to hang myself. I don't know anymore.

I know that taking all my medications very likely wouldn't work but I can't help but want to try it anyhow. Maybe I take them all and a shit ton of sleeping pills and just go sit on the train tracks and wait. They're isolated so if I did it at night its very unlikely anyone would see me. I know that would traumatize the person driving the train but I don't know if I have it in me to care, and if I succeed then i'll be dead and unable to care.

 

[katara]

I get it bc I also hate my birthday. I get scared at the thought of killing myself so I was considering leaving my house and dying out in nature and away from here. I can't imagine a future here with my mom. She only wants me to be alive so I'll take care of her when she's old. My mom is kind of delusional and being around her greatly affects my mental health. I thought about the train thing, I don't know if I could do that. The sleeping pills trick definitely sounds good, I never thought of that. That's really smart, where I live the trains don't look fast enough though. I would have to film it and ask because I think the anxiety and worry takes over. But being stagnant here also gives me anxiety. I don't know why death is so scary, maybe we are just thinking about it too much. I don't know.