losing my fp of almost two years (bpd)

[ketaminekisses]

this will definitely be the most incoherent post ever but i just need to lwt it all out.
Honestly, im not even too sure where to start. i stalked this man physically before he even knew i existed, ive been INTENSELY obsessed with him for two years now. we dated for a year and it was always super unstable and i endured so much mistreatment but i just could never leave because the pain of him being gone is just unbearable. ive abandoned every hobby and friend i had just so i can spend every second with him, i transferred schools for him. i have nothing now. He left me because im too much for him and i want to respect that soooo bad but i just cant. i swear everything would be ffine if he just catered to me a little. i told him my triggers i feel like if he just respected them, we would be okay.
i feel like im falling apart, it feels like i wont ever be loved. i read a subreddit dedicated to exes of ppl like me and they all talk abt how you cant win w partbers w bpd, and how awful it is dating someone with bpd.
i feel like im bound to be lonely forever

 

[helicoptero]

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm also diagnosed with BPD. I think that's not a good idea to have a relationship if you're not at least a little bit stable, based on my own personal experience and what I've seen around me (I have friends with BPD too).
People with BPD aren't bad. But when they're not stable they can end up being a really toxic partner.
I recommend you trying therapy in case you haven't already. And trying to focus on yourself and getting stable before looking for that person or anyone else.
It's definitely easier said than done. But looking for a relationship while you're unstable will just hurt you and hurt your partner.
Take care, I send you a big hug and hope you can stabilize soon.

 

[ketaminekisses]

i tried therapy butb after my therapist told me that shes a 'bandaid for a gash' and tried referring me to someone else, i felt like a lost cause and quit.
i dont know how to get better and i honestly just want my fp back. losing him is losing my only reason to go on

 

[helicoptero]

i tried therapy butb after my therapist told me that shes a 'bandaid for a gash' and tried referring me to someone else, i felt like a lost cause and quit.
i dont know how to get better and i honestly just want my fp back. losing him is losing my only reason to go on

She did the right thing if she thought she wouldn't be able to give you proper help. I think it would be a good idea to try going back to therapy.
Regarding you fp, Idk what you can do. It seems like you had a toxic relationship and that's not good for none of you. Seeking professional help is the best option I can think of.

 

[Worndown]

Having spent some time being stalked, there are medications that can bring down your anxiety and all the things it pushes you to do.
You deserve a time filled with less...everything. You will probably not get him back but that is not the end of the world. I hope you get a chance to see that yourself.

 

[ketaminekisses]

i

Having spent some time being stalked, there are medications that can bring down your anxiety and all the things it pushes you to do.
You deserve a time filled with less...everything. You will probably not get him back but that is not the end of the world. I hope you get a chance to see that yourself.

ive been bawling for 5 hourrs. sure does feel like it. all i want is to have him back. part of the problem is i dont want to move on

 

[liljeep]

I understand. I really do. My ex-FP of 9 years abandoned me back in 2019 and it still hurts. When you sacrificed so so much for them, it is the most excruciating feeling in the world for them to just leave. I won't lie and say that moving on is easy, but you are not unlovable. I have a girlfriend of 7 months right now! I did work a lot on healthy communication, codependency recovery, and self-soothing skills after my ex-FP left me though (she left for similar reasons to your FP). But I am still borderline at the end of the day and always will be. I read Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and it really helped me.

But I won't lie. I was crying all day everyday for a long long time, had to switch to online school for my senior year because I couldn't bare being around anyone anymore, and went back to taking antidepressants (I am vehemently against most psych meds for personal reasons) all because of her loss. But I made it through and am loved by someone else now.

 

[ketaminekisses]

I understand. I really do. My ex-FP of 9 years abandoned me back in 2019 and it still hurts. When you sacrificed so so much for them, it is the most excruciating feeling in the world for them to just leave. I won't lie and say that moving on is easy, but you are not unlovable. I have a girlfriend of 7 months right now! I did work a lot on healthy communication, codependency recovery, and self-soothing skills after my ex-FP left me though (she left for similar reasons to your FP). But I am still borderline at the end of the day and always will be. I read Codependency No More by Melody Beattie and it really helped me.

But I won't lie. I was crying all day everyday for a long long time, had to switch to online school for my senior year because I couldn't bare being around anyone anymore, and went back to taking antidepressants (I am vehemently against most psych meds for personal reasons) all because of her loss. But I made it through and am loved by someone else now.

i really dont know what to do. i dont even want to move on. i have nobody and nothing and i just cant stand the thought of him w someone else too. for almost 2 years weve texted everyday for hourss. i feel so empty. i just wanna ctb, life is meaningless without him, just suffering for no reason

 

[liljeep]

i really dont know what to do. i dont even want to move on. i have nobody and nothing and i just cant stand the thought of him w someone else too. for almost 2 years weve texted everyday for hourss. i feel so empty. i just wanna ctb, life is meaningless without him, just suffering for no reason

I get that. I did not want to move on either, life seemed meaningless without her and I'd said for years before that that if she left me or died, I would CTB. Maybe you can't move on right now. The grief can be unbareable for a long time, especially if you don't have anyone else. I had just made 2 friends the week before ex-FP abandoned me after a while of not talking to anyone else. I hope you find your peace in any way you can. And if you need a friend, I am here.

 

[ketaminekisses]

I get that. I did not want to move on either, life seemed meaningless without her and I'd said for years before that that if she left me or died, I would CTB. Maybe you can't move on right now. The grief can be unbareable for a long time, especially if you don't have anyone else. I had just made 2 friends the week before ex-FP abandoned me after a while of not talking to anyone else. I hope you find your peace in any way you can. And if you need a friend, I am here.

i can barely even breathe. nmy jaw feel gonna snap off and im shaking so bad. im prolly gonna go to psych in s little. what was the first step u took to get over tem

 

[liljeep]

i can barely even breathe. nmy jaw feel gonna snap off and im shaking so bad. im prolly gonna go to psych in s little. what was the first step u took to get over tem

If that keeps you safe, I support your decision. My first hospitalization was shortly after her abandonment. The first step for me was connecting with new people, and reconnecting with people who I did not talk to as much because I'd been spending all my time and energy on her. I coped with music for a very very long time too.

 

[Worndown]

A short stay might be exactly what you need. You can calm down. After that, everything can be a little easier.