I'm getting things I need to get done done before I die, but I still can't shake that my biggest reason for CTB is losing the love of my life. For years after things broke off, everyone just told me I'll move on, find someone, etc. but those are just things people say. They have no proof of that and their claims were clearly very wrong. I knew when I was with this man that I'd never love again because of the way I felt about him and throughout all my relationships never had I felt a love so strong. We've remained in each others life, but I have told him I cannot be his friend. My
Mental illness broke us apart, and he claims to understand, and says he is thinking about things, but I know what that means when a guy says that. He also gave the cliche "it's not you it's me" and a whole bunch of other excuses. I told him I'm not pressuring him to be with me, but that I can't be friends with him.. it's not possible for me personally despite the years that have passed. I urged him to just leave because he didn't have to stick around out of pity, but he claims it isn't pity. Basically we had a talk yesterday and he said he still has feelings for me but he isn't sure that he can commit to me and he wants to see "where his heart goes" and that's just a common lie men will say as it's happened to me before and to many of my close friends. I'm extremely shattered and I try to suppress my deep love for him because he'd think I'm crazy, but then he told me he's well aware I never lost feelings . One thing I hate is when people just don't tell the direct truth and they think they're a good person for that. I don't need sugar coated lies and I told him this so I said you don't want to be with me and I'm not going to pressure you so just go. It's that simple, but he stays and yes I know I could block him and delete him but it's not that easy for me…. Ive done all the therapy bullshit and more and nothing helped. Only a few people understand what I'm going through because they too aren't over their exes and they too were with them for an extremely long amount of time. Those people have respected my choice to commit suicide because of this as the physical and mental pain I go through each year due to it has become agonizing. I have other reasons for wanting to die too, but that's a top one. I am so tired of the pain it's causing that staying alive would be doing myself very deep harm because my Life quality isn't good or healthy at all. I love him so much and I tried the whole "dating others" thing and I felt like I was basically acting. I also don't think it's fair to date someone else when I know I have no emotional connection to them… that's wasting their time, and that's not right. On top of this, I have issues with my heart now that I also don't feel like living with because the heart issues are fucking painful and my doctors do nothing to help other than tell me "let's wait until you have another high heart rate again and pass out, then we will run some tests"…. There's just too much between him and my horrible health issues that at 25, I shouldn't have that make me want to die. I know I post a lot here but this place is like a journal to me… it's the only fucking place I feel like I'm not going to be looked at as crazy by most.
Mental illness broke us apart, and he claims to understand, and says he is thinking about things, but I know what that means when a guy says that. He also gave the cliche "it's not you it's me" and a whole bunch of other excuses. I told him I'm not pressuring him to be with me, but that I can't be friends with him.. it's not possible for me personally despite the years that have passed. I urged him to just leave because he didn't have to stick around out of pity, but he claims it isn't pity. Basically we had a talk yesterday and he said he still has feelings for me but he isn't sure that he can commit to me and he wants to see "where his heart goes" and that's just a common lie men will say as it's happened to me before and to many of my close friends. I'm extremely shattered and I try to suppress my deep love for him because he'd think I'm crazy, but then he told me he's well aware I never lost feelings . One thing I hate is when people just don't tell the direct truth and they think they're a good person for that. I don't need sugar coated lies and I told him this so I said you don't want to be with me and I'm not going to pressure you so just go. It's that simple, but he stays and yes I know I could block him and delete him but it's not that easy for me…. Ive done all the therapy bullshit and more and nothing helped. Only a few people understand what I'm going through because they too aren't over their exes and they too were with them for an extremely long amount of time. Those people have respected my choice to commit suicide because of this as the physical and mental pain I go through each year due to it has become agonizing. I have other reasons for wanting to die too, but that's a top one. I am so tired of the pain it's causing that staying alive would be doing myself very deep harm because my Life quality isn't good or healthy at all. I love him so much and I tried the whole "dating others" thing and I felt like I was basically acting. I also don't think it's fair to date someone else when I know I have no emotional connection to them… that's wasting their time, and that's not right. On top of this, I have issues with my heart now that I also don't feel like living with because the heart issues are fucking painful and my doctors do nothing to help other than tell me "let's wait until you have another high heart rate again and pass out, then we will run some tests"…. There's just too much between him and my horrible health issues that at 25, I shouldn't have that make me want to die. I know I post a lot here but this place is like a journal to me… it's the only fucking place I feel like I'm not going to be looked at as crazy by most.
