Losing a friend from depression

[evrlastingsea]

i am severely depressed. and i am actually aware of how much trouble that will bring to people around me. so i tried to let them know about it. especially my closest friends. and they knew about it for years. encouraged me to go to the professional. asking if it all went well. and when i have some updates of my situation, they're always the one who got the information first.

maybe this is my fault. or not. i'm not sure. but i thought it's clear that mdd.. well. makes me depressed. i don't have as much energy. it's hard for me to want anything. it's hard for me to actually do the thing called living. it's not because i don't want to, i genuinely cant. just being alive itself is already so hard for me to do.

but recently, i found out that those friends i thought knew me better than anyone talked about me behind my back. or just not care about me. one of them even said "you have to get it together. i'm also depressed, but i still work. you're burdening me too" (i don't think she ever got diagnosed with it, but i don't judge people who self-diagnose. still,) . they said that i just don't care about my friends and all.

maybe it's true. i can't care about anything. but i do care about them so much. i thought i expressed it many times as well. i know that i have to put more effort on my friendship, and i thought i did. i don't wanna use my condition as an excuse too much, but i feel like no one actually understand that my head is, almost literally not functioning properly.

maybe i'm being a jerk bc im expecting my friend to babysit me, almost? but i don't. i know i'm dealing with stuff i have to fix by myself, but i made it really clear and i actively tried to make my depression better for people around me. but ,that still happened anyways.

i'm still friends with them. but now, i don't feel safe expressing anything other than acting like i'm better. but now, the thought of losing a friend from depression became much more.. real. even with someone i thought was the reason why 'god' let me be in this world. what do i do.. i can't live like this. it hurts

 

[Gild-Holm-’Ur]

From my view, it is definitely not your fault. You seem really empathetic and kindhearted.

I think it difficult for people to comprehend chronic depression. They see it as being sad - something temporary. Maybe look at them as unaware and not cruel.

Is it a situation where they are a good friend, but just don't know how to navigate this?

 

[DreamingDryad]

I feel this hard...everyone tells me I'm not too much, but then they leave anyway. Getting diagnosed with BPD helped for a while, helped me control some things I already didn't like about myself, but then eventually it just made me realize all the things I AM and HAVE been doing right. The worst part is how cyclical it is. I'm depressed, it interferes with my friendship, we became distant, it depresses me, the cycle continues. For what it's worth, I don't think you're broken or a bad person, and you deserve to have happiness and friends who love and care for you.

 

[evrlastingsea]

From my view, it is definitely not your fault. You seem really empathetic and kindhearted.

I think it difficult for people to comprehend chronic depression. They see it as being sad - something temporary. Maybe look at them as unaware and not cruel.

Is it a situation where they are a good friend, but just don't know how to navigate this?

i could see it as unaware, but it doesn't change the fact that i feel really hurt from this. it hurts since i tried so hard to let them know about it and what it meant for me to be depressed

I feel this hard...everyone tells me I'm not too much, but then they leave anyway. Getting diagnosed with BPD helped for a while, helped me control some things I already didn't like about myself, but then eventually it just made me realize all the things I AM and HAVE been doing right. The worst part is how cyclical it is. I'm depressed, it interferes with my friendship, we became distant, it depresses me, the cycle continues. For what it's worth, I don't think you're broken or a bad person, and you deserve to have happiness and friends who love and care for you.

yesh, it's just the same cycle over and over and it made me think if i'm the problem all along since this keeps happening. getting properly diagnosed helped me a bit too, since then i know what went wrong in my brain. but still ..

i hope everything gets better for you as well