Looking for answers

[TheOneFreeDude]

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

I can't speak for others, but what I'll say is this is a matter of preference. Some would like to let others know why they've chosen what they've chosen, while others either simply don't care or are in such deep pain that it's hard to bring pen to paper, metaphorically or not.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

Again, I'll speak for myself. Yes, I do. Each and every time I think of suicide, I think of them and what it'd bring to them. But there's this tricky thing about suicide. If you're even considering taking your own life, then all else has lost meaning, including that. "Yes, they might miss me, they might mourn me, but give them a couple years and they'll be fine" is one of the excuses I always try to convince myself of.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Sometimes you simply can't trust anyone to tell that. Not your husband, not your wife, not your father or son, not even your therapist. Sometimes all you need to do is be able to speak freely about what you think and feel with a bunch of people going through the same. They won't call the police to stop you or try to get you to a psych ward at least.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

Nope. Some people express it, some hide it, some are very open, some very shy about it, there's really no definitive answer to that. Depends on the person.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

I personally don't like this "is there usually..." phrasing. Makes us look like cattle. One big mass of identical people acting as a hivemind. We're different, we think differently and act differently. I can speak for myself. It's not a single thing, it's a chain of bad choices I've made that led me into a bottomless pit of poverty, addiction and misery. There probably is a solution for me, but I just don't want to have to deal with all this anymore. I just gave up.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

One of three, either nothing, hell or some sort of spiritual world. I'm willing to risk it.

 

[moonlightbeach]

Thought for all reading. So all of these feelings and reasons are valid. But they are experienced by probably millions just in the USA given a population of 340 million, my point is statistically very few acts on these feelings with the solution being suicide. What brings some to suicide but the vast majority, feeling the same issues, roll on?

suicide is not welcome in the society that we live in. what @Dante_ said - imagine a situation where a human is suicidal but their family is fully against it. they might rationalize these thoughts or say that a voice has possessed them and that they don't actually want to do it. in reality there's a big chance that they're actually suppressing their ideation because they don't want to upset the family. i think the vast majority of americans are very family-oriented too. many hurt themselves physically without the intent of dying - simply because it helps them nurture their inner pain and get back in control.

the biggest sign is the lack of hope and lack of motivation. i'm in a situation where there is not a possible way in the universe to reduce my suffering to the minimum, so i don't see why i should be awake every day just to survive when i don't want to and feel miserable. it differs person to person.

 

[Leaving1970]

What you're really asking is why your son didn't "roll on" when so many people do. We can't answer that. Maybe there is no answer. Here, some people stick around because they can't find a good method. Or they worry too much about their family. Maybe that's too hurtful to hear, it makes you think your son didn't care about you, because he did it. Of course he cared about you. But whatever drove him to kill himself was overpowering. He didn't want to hurt you, but he did anyway. Bereaved families often call suicide selfish for that reason. I can understand that view to some extent. But I think it's in turn selfish for a bereaved person to say "how could they do this to me?!".

Yeah, I wouldn't say it is selfish. To say the whole thing is complicated is an understatement. It's just very troubling not know what was the overpowering issue? That answer I will never have and I'm not sure how to move past.
Also, the guilt and pain of how did you let this happen to your child? How did you let him/her have this kind of suffering. Some of us that you leave behind will not move forward.

 

[Carrot]

What brings some to suicide but the vast majority, feeling the same issues, roll on?

The simplest explanation is that people have different tolerance for various things, and different breaking points.

 

[avalokitesvara]

Yeah, I wouldn't say it is selfish. To say the whole thing is complicated is an understatement. It's just very troubling not know what was the overpowering issue? That answer I will never have and I'm not sure how to move past.
Also, the guilt and pain of how did you let this happen to your child? How did you let him/her have this kind of suffering. Some of us that you leave behind will not move forward.

From a buddhist perspective, we have to see that all things are interrelated and all things arise, exist, then pass away (interdependence and impermanence).

The causes for what happens are extremely complicated and unclear. In the case of suicide, even mental health "experts" and sociologists can't put forward a neat explanation.

If someone kills themselves I think we can say there isn't just one reason. Their past, their current feelings, perhaps a triggering event, the state of the world, the family background, epigenetics, trauma, perhaps social contagion, substance abuse, a secret life of shame for some reason, an undiagnosed mental illness... any or none of those things or many others.

When you lose a child, of course you feel personally responsible to some extent. But you're not. You were responsible for bringing a person into the world, but what happens to that person and what choices they make after they stop being a dependent infant, is not at all your responsibility.

There's a story that a woman lost her child and went mad, walking naked through the village screaming. She was taken to Buddha, who she asked for a magic spell to bring back her child. Buddha said, OK, but for the spell to work you must bring me a grain of sesame from a household where they have never known loss and grief. So the woman went out and of course, in no house could she find anyone who had not suffered the loss of a loved one. This cured her madness, even though it didn't bring her son back.

Even if your son hadn't committed suicide, he would have died one day. You couldn't have stopped cancer, or a brain haemorrhage, or a speeding car, or a dodgy dealer at a party, or old age happening to him. Committing suicide was his way of dying, and it is more shocking because it feels like he chose it. But whatever drove him towards it was not his choice. Maybe if he'd reached out and got help it could have been prevented. But maybe not. We don't know, and we can't change what happened.

You can love and mourn him with a mother's attachment and grief, but you can also love him with the wisdom of interdependence and impermanence. Everything will die and pass, and for always. That's just how it is. We can dislike it intensely and wish it wasn't so, but that compounds our suffering.

If you can try to accept the reality of the situation instead of constantly asking "why?" or "what could have been different?", I think you will help yourself a lot. I'm not saying you will be made whole. I don't think that's possible. Your child is irreplaceable, there's nothing that can fill the hole he left. But you can start accepting that this is what happened, and it can't be fully understood, nor changed.

 

[alwaysalone]

Thought for all reading. So all of these feelings and reasons are valid. But they are experienced by probably millions just in the USA given a population of 340 million, my point is statistically very few acts on these feelings with the solution being suicide. What brings some to suicide but the vast majority, feeling the same issues, roll on?

To be fair those responding are still rolling. Survival instinct is very hard to overcome. Personally I'm a parent myself so there's a lot of guilt. I also have family im close to. However even for those who have no one it's still very hard. There are threads on here discussing over thinking suicide vs impulsive. Impulsiveness can lead to wounding but it can also lead to a much faster death.

 

[Vorty30]

Holy Hell do those questions feel like a pro lifer's wet dream.

 

[Leaving1970]

Holy Hell do those questions feel like a pro lifer's wet dream.

What does that statement mean?

From a buddhist perspective, we have to see that all things are interrelated and all things arise, exist, then pass away (interdependence and impermanence).

The causes for what happens are extremely complicated and unclear. In the case of suicide, even mental health "experts" and sociologists can't put forward a neat explanation.

If someone kills themselves I think we can say there isn't just one reason. Their past, their current feelings, perhaps a triggering event, the state of the world, the family background, epigenetics, trauma, perhaps social contagion, substance abuse, a secret life of shame for some reason, an undiagnosed mental illness... any or none of those things or many others.

When you lose a child, of course you feel personally responsible to some extent. But you're not. You were responsible for bringing a person into the world, but what happens to that person and what choices they make after they stop being a dependent infant, is not at all your responsibility.

There's a story that a woman lost her child and went mad, walking naked through the village screaming. She was taken to Buddha, who she asked for a magic spell to bring back her child. Buddha said, OK, but for the spell to work you must bring me a grain of sesame from a household where they have never known loss and grief. So the woman went out and of course, in no house could she find anyone who had not suffered the loss of a loved one. This cured her madness, even though it didn't bring her son back.

Even if your son hadn't committed suicide, he would have died one day. You couldn't have stopped cancer, or a brain haemorrhage, or a speeding car, or a dodgy dealer at a party, or old age happening to him. Committing suicide was his way of dying, and it is more shocking because it feels like he chose it. But whatever drove him towards it was not his choice. Maybe if he'd reached out and got help it could have been prevented. But maybe not. We don't know, and we can't change what happened.

You can love and mourn him with a mother's attachment and grief, but you can also love him with the wisdom of interdependence and impermanence. Everything will die and pass, and for always. That's just how it is. We can dislike it intensely and wish it wasn't so, but that compounds our suffering.

If you can try to accept the reality of the situation instead of constantly asking "why?" or "what could have been different?", I think you will help yourself a lot. I'm not saying you will be made whole. I don't think that's possible. Your child is irreplaceable, there's nothing that can fill the hole he left. But you can start accepting that this is what happened, and it can't be fully understood, nor changed.

interesting perspective - thank you

 

[thelement115]

Why is there almost never a note? The not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself.

I can't answer for your son. In my case, I wouldn't do it. I feel my reasons are pretty pathetic, so I just don't want others to know.

Do you think about what damage this will cause your parents?

Yes, I think the damage to my mom would be brutal. I think my friends, sister, and dad would be able to move on easily, but not my mom. I've already disappointed her, so I don't want to cause her more pain.

In a lot of cases—as with mine—this goes completely undetected. How do you go about a normal day, then take your life without confiding in someone?

As I said before, I feel my reasons are dumb, so I don't really want to talk about it. Also, I don't think someone can help me either, so it's just pointless.

Which brings me to— is there usually someone or a group, be it online or in person, that does know? I just did not see that side.

I vent online. Anonymity helps me feel comfortable. In person, I don't really think about it.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

Romance. I'm unable to get girls to like me. When I was 13–15, I thought time would make it easier, so I had hope. Today I'm 24 with zero progress, and the realization that with every day, it's harder. I was naive, thinking that like other things, it would become easier if I just gained more life experience. This has developed into my own deterioration. At the beginning, I was just sad about my situation. Later I started feeling hopelessness, then sadness and shame when seeing couples, and eventually feeling sad and ashamed when seeing women in general. Now I have constant negative thoughts and insomnia. The idea that this is my life, and it's going to be like this until I die, fills me with a kind of extreme internal dread that I would just like to end.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond? Not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step.

I don't believe in another life, so I think I would just rest forever.

 

[Carrot]

Holy Hell do those questions feel like a pro lifer's wet dream.

What does that statement mean?

I understand the words, but is still what they said doesn't make any sense to me. You are respectful and did nothing wrong here. You likely have much different views (pro-life) than most of people here, that doesn't mean we need to be rude to you. You did not come here to push a certain narrative, but to understand or grief. I wish more people tried to understand each other, it doesn't need to result in change of views. Nothing wrong with that.

 

[celtistan]

Hi, I am around the age of your son (23M), and will most likely ctb in the coming 7 days. First off, I am sorry for your loss. I would like to answer your question from my perspective

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

writing a suicide note to ones who care about is stressing to both me and them when they read it (likely repeatedly on different occasions), i find it totally unnecessary, if it was in my reach, i would have chosen a method that doesnt even leave traces or evidence even for autopsy.

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

I definitely do, a lot. But their sadness shall pass sooner or later, compared to their sadness and disappointment about me as a failure and liability that will persist as long as i live while watching me suffering, especially that i was always a very successful person throughout my life — until my [secret] deadly pitfall in the past few years — and highly regarded by them. It is much better for both of us. I'd much rather be remembered as their successful son they always saw who "unfortunately died", than to be remembered as their disappointment / failure / liability who people use as an example.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

Telling anyone is extremely dangerous as he will most likely try to stop me

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

Yes there is definitely a lot.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

I am agnostic, so … it is just "i dont know". All i know is that i've reached a dead end. As a chess player, in chess, when you are receiving an inevitably coming checkmate that can not be solved in anyway, you just shake hands and resign. no reason to continue and waste everyone's time and energy while watching yourself getting humiliated.

 

[SoulCage]

First of all... sorry for your loss.
It hurts to read that your pain is so great that you even consider it for yourself. My words won't make the pain go away, but maybe will help you figuring out what to do with it.

Questions for those here and reading this:

Why is there almost never a note, the not knowing why in most cases is brutal in itself?

At my lowest points when I thought there is no other choice than attempt, I really wanted to make a note, especially because I wanted to make sure that people in my circle don't blame themselves. I also didn't want them to think that I wasn't thinking clearly, basically justifying that this was the best option for me. But the problem was.... I was so paralyzed by my pain that I was just too tired to come up with the right words. Too tired to explain is thoroughly. I just wanted to be free and not have to deal with anything anymore. Also it helps to tether oneself from this world, because if you ignore the guilt of leaving someone behind than it might be easier to successfully CTB.
This could be 1 eason why someone doesn't leave a note, there sure are many more (as others pointed out in this thread).

Do you think what damage this will cause your parents?

My dad is gone already. My mother and I rarely talk, she basically has issues that I can't help her with, while I have issues she can't help with. We both feel guilty that we can't support each other. she knows I have suicidal ideation, and I know she has too, but she said she can't do it, because of her beliefs in the after life and also doesn't want to hurt anyone.
I think she will be really upset if I choose to leave for real - will believe she did something wrong (raising me), even when I manage to explain it to her carefully.
But I don't think it will change her mind about her own fate. Maybe she will even enjoy the pity that she gets from her siblings.

In a lot of cases as with mine this goes completely undetected, how do you go about a normal day then take your life without confiding in someone?

In my case, I gave up hiding it, because I am trying to recover. But when I was hiding it in the past, I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. I didn't want to be burden. I didn't want to appear weak at work and feel like I am worthless/replaceable. It was also a bit of gaslighting myself - that I should be grateful for the things that I have and that everyone has to cope with pain. That existence is hard for everyone and I should just deal with it like everyone else. It worked until I snapped one day. I couldn't fake it anymore and just didn't care what happens next. I went silent in my social circles and they didn't seem to miss me.

Which brings me to, is there usually someone or a group be it online or in person that does know, I just did not see that side?

This I can also answer only with my own experience. I don't know if it's the same for others...
I have always been writing down my thoughts in my own private space (like a diary) and it almost felt like I was telling someone everything. then I started to share this online, not really expecting a response. So someone knew, but more in a "observer" way.
Then I told my partner, but only because we have know each other for more than 10 years and I was comfortable sharing it with him. I kinda convinced myself that it was okay to burden him, also because I wanted to know if he wants to continue being with me when I am such a broken human.

Is there usually something that has caused you to want to leave this life, or do you just not want to live for various reasons?

in my case it was something specific that made me realize that this pain doesn't stop, that I made predictions about my future in case I am deciding to stay (which was: more pain, more hardship, neverending). It was a life event that reminded me of the pain in the past and it just repeats itself again and again. What I want to say... The first few times I felt like life was too hard, too painful, I didn't want to die right away. My ideation came because I have my memories of my painful past. So if my last experiences never happened then I would have probably not thought about wanting to attempt.
What I wanted to say... it was slowly building up inside of me, but the last event was also the final straw.

Does anyone give thought to what is beyond, not wanting to get into a religious debate, just curious if you think about the "next" step?

I grew up with going to church sometime, but I think school and science convinced me that the whole religion explanation was a bit unreasonable. I am not trying to convince anyone that it doesn't make sense - I actually encourage to stay with religion if it helps you. It just isn't for me. For me the "next" is just nothingness. I am made from lifeless atoms, and they create a whole lot of chemical reactions. There are so many systems at play, but I don't believe that there is a system the preserves my consciousness after death. That feature stops existing after my cells are no longer powered by what they need.

 

[Leaving1970]

I get wanting out, I'm not saying this is a great society we have created. I'd say about 1 percent succeed, the rest of us just kinda exist. But to call it quits at 20 seems so wrong, you didn't even try. If you are reading this and under 25 maybe give it a pause. If you're 55, have at it, you tried. That is one of many things that troubles me with my son, he had the means to try, I'm not rich by any measure but enough resources he could have tried whatever. But he chose to not try, and we were pretty close, and this despair went undetected by me. Another odd thing is he destroyed his phone before he did this. Like there was something on it he didn't want anyone to find, he didn't wipe it, he physically destroyed it. He was also on his own plan, and as an adult I have no way to get into it. So I wonder what that was about? Just so many unanswered questions, but from reading all your answers I do feel there were most definitely many things going on I did not know. Truly heartbreaking.

 

[Dante_]

Like there was something on it he didn't want anyone to find, he didn't wipe it, he physically destroyed it. He was also on his own plan, and as an adult I have no way to get into it. So I wonder what that was about?

Its quite possible the reason why is he really didnt want anything in his phone to be searched through, im sure some would agree that they wouldn't want anyone looking through their digital footprint/trail thereafter to find out what they left behind so I think physically destroying his phone was what he decided on to avoid that, im sure it would've provided more answers so its rather unfortunate that it isnt available to provide some form of closure.

I'd say about 1 percent succeed, the rest of us just kinda exist. But to call it quits at 20 seems so wrong, you didn't even try. If you are reading this and under 25 maybe give it a pause.

I'm inclined to agree on the waiting part as measure to see if things get improve given that circumstances do change but as part of your point, only 1% succeed and sometimes, I can see why some dont want to wait to find out if it does, and if waiting a decade or two or three is what's necessary in order to do so. At 26, im just past the 25 year mark so im sure of that decision but im sure some would say wait till 28, 30, maybe 33 or 35 or 40 but in that, i truly don't understand what would make it worth the wait until that certain point is passed and is surviving really living with the problems incurred throughout life no matter how long one lives for?. With that said, i appreciate where this is coming from as a parent who just wants to understand why.

 

[GhostInTheMachine]

But he chose to not try, and we were pretty close, and this despair went undetected by me.

That's a little insensitive to whatever he was suffering that lead him to suicide. From your viewpoint, he chose not to try. From his, he had tried long enough. As you said, that despair went undetected by you, but that's not necessarily a failure on your part. It very much could be a success on his part in hiding it well. Many suicidal people either feel like they can't reach out, or have received negative feedback for doing so. This almost always extends to their closest people.

Another odd thing is he destroyed his phone before he did this. Like there was something on it he didn't want anyone to find, he didn't wipe it, he physically destroyed it. He was also on his own plan, and as an adult I have no way to get into it. So I wonder what that was about? Just so many unanswered questions, but from reading all your answers I do feel there were most definitely many things going on I did not know. Truly heartbreaking.

Likely he just didn't want his digital footprint sifted through and dissected because he wanted to keep everything private, as is his right to do so. It could be something dark, or it might be really mundane. There is no way to really know anymore sadly.

 

[ChaseTheSun]

I get wanting out, I'm not saying this is a great society we have created. I'd say about 1 percent succeed, the rest of us just kinda exist. But to call it quits at 20 seems so wrong, you didn't even try. If you are reading this and under 25 maybe give it a pause. If you're 55, have at it, you tried. That is one of many things that troubles me with my son, he had the means to try, I'm not rich by any measure but enough resources he could have tried whatever. But he chose to not try, and we were pretty close, and this despair went undetected by me. Another odd thing is he destroyed his phone before he did this. Like there was something on it he didn't want anyone to find, he didn't wipe it, he physically destroyed it. He was also on his own plan, and as an adult I have no way to get into it. So I wonder what that was about? Just so many unanswered questions, but from reading all your answers I do feel there were most definitely many things going on I did not know.

I get wanting out, I'm not saying this is a great society we have created. I'd say about 1 percent succeed, the rest of us just kinda exist. But to call it quits at 20 seems so wrong, you didn't even try. If you are reading this and under 25 maybe give it a pause. If you're 55, have at it, you tried. That is one of many things that troubles me with my son, he had the means to try, I'm not rich by any measure but enough resources he could have tried whatever. But he chose to not try, and we were pretty close, and this despair went undetected by me. Another odd thing is he destroyed his phone before he did this. Like there was something on it he didn't want anyone to find, he didn't wipe it, he physically destroyed it. He was also on his own plan, and as an adult I have no way to get into it. So I wonder what that was about? Just so many unanswered questions, but from reading all your answers I do feel there were most definitely many things going on I did not know. Truly heartbreaking.

First of all, I would like to express my condolences for your loss. If I had a choice, this forum wouldn't exist, because everyone would be mentally and phsically healthy. But life is not fair. In general, I fear that there is no justice.

I am a few years older than your son. Nevertheless, I think I understand very well why your son destroyed his cellphone. (Assuming his reasons were similiar to my reasons)I also plan to destroy all my digital devices before ctb. Why? I am ashamed of the person I am and I don't want my search history to be found, because it's pretty pathetic and sad.

Its all absurd. I worry about what other people will think of me when I'm dead. That must be my narcissim.

Ps: I am not saying that your son was pathetic and weak, but i am pretty sure he perveived himself as that. (No intend to insult or hurt you.)

 

[Carrot]

I accidentally destroyed my phone during my attempt, so it's not always intended.

Things are a lot more complicated than not living long enough and different definitions of meaning and success, a lot of things. I don't expect you to understand and I don't want to elaborate right now.

 

[acey]

Thanks for your insight

First of all, I am sorry for your loss.

I have many questions similar to yours, so I will share a little of my experience in hopes that it helps you feel less alone or something...

Originally I joined this forum because I was feeling suicidal and very set on going through with it, I wanted to feel less alone and find people who felt similar to me. Maybe I wanted to feel less lonely in my demise or to understand it better. Ultimately, it did not help, if anything it made it worse to a degree but made me want to keep trying to understand it, which also made me delay it in hopes of finding a "better" way out.

Not long after and in an entirely unrelated manner my only sibling committed suicide. She did not leave a note and it left everyone entirely devastated. I felt betrayed as now it felt like I wasn't "allowed" to go through with it. Regardless, I believed there was no way she haven't talked to anyone.. on this website, her friends or online... She did not know about my feeling or intentions so I went ahead and dug through her computer and everything, I had access to it all and there was nothing. It felt so lonely and confusing...

Fast forward another year and I had to deal with something similar again. And there was also basically no note, nothing else. I guess it made me realise everyone's different in their struggles.

I cannot say I have come to accept it since or that I feel more closure... I suppose I see it as just a fact of life? It's horrible, and it seems even more horrible for my parents and other people involved.

The only way I can explain this is once you feel truly at your limit and you have no way to share it or have an outlet, you feel ready to just let go, I know I did. And at that moment I felt I will be gone anyway, it doesn't matter if I say something or don't, there is no way I can explain it all anyway and if I tried there would be no end in sight. That's is he only explanation I can give. Sometimes when you're there, it's the end of the line for you, to you the way you go about it doesn't matter as long as it gets it done and whether you'll explain it or not, you'll be gone either way. Since then I talked to many who have gone through similar experiences and I'm not sure any kind of explanation ever helps or is enough.

I'm sure there are as many explanations as there are people but I hope this perspective may help somewhat.

Also I am a funeral worker and can say that while witnessing many different circumstances broadened my perspective I can't say it answered my questions

 

[Leaving1970]

First of all, I would like to express my condolences for your loss. If I had a choice, this forum wouldn't exist, because everyone would be mentally and phsically healthy. But life is not fair. In general, I fear that there is no justice.

I am a few years older than your son. Nevertheless, I think I understand very well why your son destroyed his cellphone. (Assuming his reasons were similiar to my reasons)I also plan to destroy all my digital devices before ctb. Why? I am ashamed of the person I am and I don't want my search history to be found, because it's pretty pathetic and sad.

Its all absurd. I worry about what other people will think of me when I'm dead. That must be my narcissim.

Ps: I am not saying that your son was pathetic and weak, but i am pretty sure he perveived himself as that. (No intend to insult or hurt you.)

I do not take any of these comments as an insult or an attempt to hurt. I think some of the insight is actually invaluable. It is all very complicated. And it is all very very sad. I get through most days just not thinking about it, then when I do it just cripples me for just so many reasons. I miss him dearly. I feel so bad I did not see this. I feel so bad he felt this way. I feel so bad for all of you!

First of all, I am sorry for your loss.

I have many questions similar to yours, so I will share a little of my experience in hopes that it helps you feel less alone or something...

Originally I joined this forum because I was feeling suicidal and very set on going through with it, I wanted to feel less alone and find people who felt similar to me. Maybe I wanted to feel less lonely in my demise or to understand it better. Ultimately, it did not help, if anything it made it worse to a degree but made me want to keep trying to understand it, which also made me delay it in hopes of finding a "better" way out.

Not long after and in an entirely unrelated manner my only sibling committed suicide. She did not leave a note and it left everyone entirely devastated. I felt betrayed as now it felt like I wasn't "allowed" to go through with it. Regardless, I believed there was no way she haven't talked to anyone.. on this website, her friends or online... She did not know about my feeling or intentions so I went ahead and dug through her computer and everything, I had access to it all and there was nothing. It felt so lonely and confusing...

Fast forward another year and I had to deal with something similar again. And there was also basically no note, nothing else. I guess it made me realise everyone's different in their struggles.

I cannot say I have come to accept it since or that I feel more closure... I suppose I see it as just a fact of life? It's horrible, and it seems even more horrible for my parents and other people involved.

The only way I can explain this is once you feel truly at your limit and you have no way to share it or have an outlet, you feel ready to just let go, I know I did. And at that moment I felt I will be gone anyway, it doesn't matter if I say something or don't, there is no way I can explain it all anyway and if I tried there would be no end in sight. That's is he only explanation I can give. Sometimes when you're there, it's the end of the line for you, to you the way you go about it doesn't matter as long as it gets it done and whether you'll explain it or not, you'll be gone either way. Since then I talked to many who have gone through similar experiences and I'm not sure any kind of explanation ever helps or is enough.

I'm sure there are as many explanations as there are people but I hope this perspective may help somewhat.

Also I am a funeral worker and can say that while witnessing many different circumstances broadened my perspective I can't say it answered my questions

I'm not sure if that helped, but I just started crying, thank you for sharing though, maybe it did help just knowing others have the same pain.

Hi, I am around the age of your son (23M), and will most likely ctb in the coming 7 days. First off, I am sorry for your loss. I would like to answer your question from my perspective

writing a suicide note to ones who care about is stressing to both me and them when they read it (likely repeatedly on different occasions), i find it totally unnecessary, if it was in my reach, i would have chosen a method that doesnt even leave traces or evidence even for autopsy.


I definitely do, a lot. But their sadness shall pass sooner or later, compared to their sadness and disappointment about me as a failure and liability that will persist as long as i live while watching me suffering, especially that i was always a very successful person throughout my life — until my [secret] deadly pitfall in the past few years — and highly regarded by them. It is much better for both of us. I'd much rather be remembered as their successful son they always saw who "unfortunately died", than to be remembered as their disappointment / failure / liability who people use as an example.


Telling anyone is extremely dangerous as he will most likely try to stop me

Yes there is definitely a lot.

I am agnostic, so … it is just "i dont know". All i know is that i've reached a dead end. As a chess player, in chess, when you are receiving an inevitably coming checkmate that can not be solved in anyway, you just shake hands and resign. no reason to continue and waste everyone's time and energy while watching yourself getting humiliated.

You said in the coming 7 days. So do you think there is no chance of things changing in the future? So much damage has been done, you are 125% sure that this is truly the only way out? That even something extreme like say I don't know joining the military or Greenpeace, or red cross or something would be an option rather than leaving for death?