Venting Looking for a sign.

[FERAL_FRENZY]

I'm not religious.

I abandoned my faith in Christ about 7 years ago because I wasn't comfortable with the idea of a so-called "unconditionally loving" God banishing people to hell for simply having sexual/romantic preferences outside of the "norm." And somehow I'm also supposed to believe that rapists and pedophiles who "convert" and "ask for forgiveness" moments before death are somehow permitted entry inside the gates of heaven. This shit is backwards and sounds like a load of BULL. There is no "God," and there is no "afterlife." We will all return to dust and eventually be forgotten.

It should be that simple, but it isn't. Nothing ever is. When I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling with nothing but my thoughts to entertain me, one question repeatedly bugs me: Was it all for nothing? Am I destined to die alone and misunderstood, with no one there to comfort me in my final moments? The thought brings me to tears, especially when it isn't too far off from what happens to others like me. I can't shake the feeling that I'm going to die without achieving a single goal I set for myself. I don't want to die a disgusting, useless hermit. I want to die knowing that I was good for something in the end.

I know I'm a hard person to love, difficult to get along with, and just trashy overall. There's a lot that's wrong with me, and it's getting harder to pretend there isn't. Eventually, people will catch on, and they will (sometimes rightfully) leave. I wish someone could look past everything and love me regardless. They could accept that I might not ever get better and still gaze at me with nothing but unabashed adoration in their eyes. I previously vowed to never change the key parts of myself in the name of any silly religion, but now I'm having second thoughts.

Sometimes I wrestle with the idea of turning back to religion and immersing myself in my faith once more. Not because I believe in it or anything, but because I want to entertain the idea that a person like me could still be "loved" regardless of everything I've said and done. It's disingenuous, for sure, but honestly, I'll take any bit of validation I can get. Anything at all. I just need someone to tell me that my efforts weren't in vain, even if deep down we both know that to be untrue.

 

[okuhvtuji]

I partly feel you. You can try to tell your closed ones that you don't feel valued/loved. Sometimes this depends on other ppl, other times it's in your head (maybe you were raised in a loveless environment and you don't know what a healthy relationship is, so you kinda need to learn how to behave)
If you think that God can helps you, then dive into it. The rules around sexuality or pedophiles are imposed by the Church, not by God. The Church has its own interest in defending pedophiles, since many of them are priests

 

[MarkSmith73]

There is some truth to all religions. One thing I can tell you is life is meant to be hard. Personally I think if you choose a certain belief system only to fill a void then ultimately you're going to be disappointed. But on the bright side, it does eventually get better. Just most likely not here.