Story Looking back, I see no future

[xXAJBXx]

Recently I was trying to find my hard copy of my high school diploma for reasons, so my mom got out my "memory box", a bunch of sentimental stuff from my childhood. To see if it was in there.

I couldn't help but look at some of the old stuff. I probably went through it for half an hour (My mom always said its easy to get lost in it) trying to find a time where I could say I was truly happy...

It only made me angry.

For context, I was diagnosed in 1st grade with Adhd, and with aspergers at age 20.

I went through so much of my life with something that debilitated me so much compared to everyone else around me. My (much more successful) twin sister even did a report on ASD and suggested to my parents i get tested.

"He's too bright to be autistic"

Those words added at least 5 years of confusion, stress, and self loathing to my life.

I look back at all these arts and crafts. They were horrendous. (I know they're usually meant to, but holy shit!). Flashbacks to elementary school. How I didn't have friends, parents always scolding me for stuff that turned out to be beyond my control.

I read my moms "baby diary" where she did a day by day recollection oh my first few years of life. It was filled with all this stuff about how she cherishes every moment with me and all that. It felt fabricated, at least compared to what I remember.

Even if its not fake. I feel this overwhelming sense of disgrace in myself. I've become a god damn wreck. A burden they have to care for and feed.

They seem to cling onto some sort of hope i can "get better". Find a girl, start a family, give them grandchildren. But really I'm about as far from reaching that goal as I could possibly be.

I know they would be upset if/when I do ctb, and I don't blame them or despise them for bringing me to this world... its just... I don't know.

I just don't fucking know... I would say "anymore" there at the end but that implies I knew in the first place.

Thanks to anyone whose bothered to read this far, just had to get it out I guess.

 

[Huntfish34]

Thanks for sharing this with us, I've felt like a burden, disgrace and Absolute fckn wreck for numerous years of my life. It's soul crushing, draining, ... the list goes on. I don't blame my parents either..... I don't know, very hard to put words with the context.

You are not alone. I wish you Nothing but the best. Take care of yourself if possible- ♥

 

[everyone_adores_you]

Looking back at memories and not having the same positive feelings as the others is a feeling hard to describe. But many of us know what it's like.

When feeling worthless, I think the most constructive thing to do is making an effort to learn something new, do something that you're not used to do, be creative in general. Personnaly, I really enjoy playing music and it reassures people around me even if it allows me to express my not-so-reassuring feelings.

I am sure you'll find something to convince yourself that you're not worthless at all. Then you could convince others that you're not a burden but live for yourself before everything else.