Venting long vent :|

[xX.mlnchli]

Ive been so insecure about my face ever since I was little. The memories of just how insecure I used to be suddenly flooded back to me. I remember I used to be so insecure, I didn't even want to step foot outside because people would probably judge me for my appearance, I was 11. I was scared of going out because I just knew and still know that everyone thinks I'm ugly. I've never once thought I was pretty. I havent thought I was pretty in like so long. I don't remember the last time I felt good in my own body. Anyways, 2 weeks ago, I decided to maybe stop thinking like that. I fully acknowledge that I'm ugly, anyone who says otherwise is lying. I look alright in some pictures I'm not even gonna lie, but the rest of the time, and in person I look so fkn horrible I hate it. I've had people lie to me so that "I wouldn't kill myself", I've never threatened them with that. ever. at the time though I was suicidal, not as suicidal as i was now, but that guy had issues in the past with someone he broke up with, she ended up sending pictures of her s/h scars to him. i never got with that guy, . its a long story. but basically, he was my situationship. we had a strong bond, he made me think we could've been something, i ended up finding out that he was leading me on while he was dating someone, and by leading me on, i mean complimenting me, grabbing my thighs, etc. he tells me he only did it so i wouldn't kill myself, and that he knows how badly i thought of myself so he tried to make me feel better by doing that but in the end it made me feels worse yk. we stopped talking a few weeks later because it was too much for the both of us, he made me
feel a bit better about myself, but after he said those things. i realized that in the end, no matter what, i'll always be ugly. no one will ever find me pretty, and that I should just accept it already. my boyfriend before we started dating said i was ugly, his friends thought i was ugly, everyone thinks i look like a fkn man just because of my nose. i hate it sm. I HATE IT SM. a week after me and my boyfriend started dating, one of his friends told me the things he'd told her. he was saying how he didnt like me because i was pretty because in reality im not, but he didn't care and he still loved me, when literally hed tell me i was pretty, etc. after that i stopped believing in him when he'd compliment me. that all happened in april. it's good that he loves me yk but to read those words. it simply hurts. it still does to this day. i went somewhere for a couple of weeks and these girls walked up to me, for some reason, and then walked past me and all started laughing so hard and yelled out " i thought that was a male". over and over. and it pissed me off sm. another time i was just sitting outside and these guys walked past me and said i thought that was a dude. i had a mask on at that time because i started to feel more and more insecure. i wish i could just hide my whole face. yesterday, my boyfriends mom, told him that, i wasn't that pretty, that she wasnt telling him to not be with me, but instead to not stay with me because he's too handsome to stay with someone like me and to enjoy his youthful face so he should start looking for some other girl. no she didn't say it to my face, but my boyfriend had told me what she told him. im fucking ugly, why does everyone lie to me. I try to actually be more positive, but then this happens. god, why did i ever try to think i wasn't that ugly. i am and will always be fkn ugly. i hate myself for thinking otherwise. i want to relapse.
t

Ive been so insecure about my face ever since I was little. The memories of just how insecure I used to be suddenly flooded back to me. I remember I used to be so insecure, I didn't even want to step foot outside because people would probably judge me for my appearance, I was 11. I was scared of going out because I just knew and still know that everyone thinks I'm ugly. I've never once thought I was pretty. I havent thought I was pretty in like so long. I don't remember the last time I felt good in my own body. Anyways, 2 weeks ago, I decided to maybe stop thinking like that. I fully acknowledge that I'm ugly, anyone who says otherwise is lying. I look alright in some pictures I'm not even gonna lie, but the rest of the time, and in person I look so fkn horrible I hate it. I've had people lie to me so that "I wouldn't kill myself", I've never threatened them with that. ever. at the time though I was suicidal, not as suicidal as i was now, but that guy had issues in the past with someone he broke up with, she ended up sending pictures of her s/h scars to him. i never got with that guy, . its a long story. but basically, he was my situationship. we had a strong bond, he made me think we could've been something, i ended up finding out that he was leading me on while he was dating someone, and by leading me on, i mean complimenting me, grabbing my thighs, etc. he tells me he only did it so i wouldn't kill myself, and that he knows how badly i thought of myself so he tried to make me feel better by doing that but in the end it made me feels worse yk. we stopped talking a few weeks later because it was too much for the both of us, he made me
feel a bit better about myself, but after he said those things. i realized that in the end, no matter what, i'll always be ugly. no one will ever find me pretty, and that I should just accept it already. my boyfriend before we started dating said i was ugly, his friends thought i was ugly, everyone thinks i look like a fkn man just because of my nose. i hate it sm. I HATE IT SM. a week after me and my boyfriend started dating, one of his friends told me the things he'd told her. he was saying how he didnt like me because i was pretty because in reality im not, but he didn't care and he still loved me, when literally hed tell me i was pretty, etc. after that i stopped believing in him when he'd compliment me. that all happened in april. it's good that he loves me yk but to read those words. it simply hurts. it still does to this day. i went somewhere for a couple of weeks and these girls walked up to me, for some reason, and then walked past me and all started laughing so hard and yelled out " i thought that was a male". over and over. and it pissed me off sm. another time i was just sitting outside and these guys walked past me and said i thought that was a dude. i had a mask on at that time because i started to feel more and more insecure. i wish i could just hide my whole face. yesterday, my boyfriends mom, told him that, i wasn't that pretty, that she wasnt telling him to not be with me, but instead to not stay with me because he's too handsome to stay with someone like me and to enjoy his youthful face. no she didn't say it to my face, but my boyfriend had told me what she told him. im fucking ugly, why does everyone lie to me. I try to actually be more positive, but then this happens. god, why did i ever try to think i wasn't that ugly. i am and will always be fkn ugly. i hate myself for thinking otherwise. i want to relapse.

whoever reads this, this shit probably won't make any sense,
i apologize, my brain's all over the place.

 

[M.O.N]

this just made my heart ache. I'm sorry you've had to carry those insecurities with you for so long, being too insecure to go outside at eleven is absolutely heartbreaking. being led on by anyone is hurtful and the fact that he tried to paint it as some sort of favor is disgusting. I don't know what you look like so I can't speak to your attractiveness but as corny as it is, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder and I hope life brings you people who look at you and see all of yours. I'm so sorry for what those girls said to you. the world is cold and unkind to those who don't meet their arbitrary standards and you don't deserve to feel this pain because of others' pettiness. the things people have said to/about you are very telling of the ugliness they possess inside themselves. I sincerely hope life is kinder to you as you move forward. sending love your way.

 

[7213882898]

t

 

[xX.mlnchli]

this just made my heart ache. I'm sorry you've had to carry those insecurities with you for so long, being too insecure to go outside at eleven is absolutely heartbreaking. being led on by anyone is hurtful and the fact that he tried to paint it as some sort of favor is disgusting. I don't know what you look like so I can't speak to your attractiveness but as corny as it is, beauty truly is in the eye of the beholder and I hope life brings you people who look at you and see all of yours. I'm so sorry for what those girls said to you. the world is cold and unkind to those who don't meet their arbitrary standards and you don't deserve to feel this pain because of others' pettiness. the things people have said to/about you are very telling of the ugliness they possess inside themselves. I sincerely hope life is kinder to you as you move forward. sending love your way.

thank you, i wish people were as kind as you.