Long-time users of this site, what's stopping you from CTBing?

[Rumi]

This post is directed at members who joined SS before all of the media hype in 2021, or even before 2020.

I'm not trying to shame anyone or question their desire to CTB, I'd just like to know if there's anything in particular keeping people around.

I have this fear that I will never be able to overcome SI and actually attempt. Every time I research a method there is always this voice of doubt in my mind casting doubt on the method's effectiveness. I always manage to convince myself that the method is either unreliabe, painful, or too complicated to prepare. It sometimes feels like SI is just manifesting itself as doubt in mind.

I just want to know if anyone else has had this experience.

 

[Dot]

Persnlly S.I

Altho mny usrs join fr spport wth thr suicidalty -- nt bcse thy intend 2 ctb

 

[Rumi]

Persnlly S.I

Altho mny usrs join fr spport wth thr suicidalty -- nt bcse thy intend 2 ctb

I don't think you can divide members between those who intend to CTB and those who want to recover. I think most of us are somewhere in between: open to CTB if the opportunity presents itself, but not actively taking steps to actually end our lives.

 

[Dot]

I don't think you can divide members between those who intend to CTB and those who want to recover. I think most of us are somewhere in between: open to CTB if the opportunity presents itself, but not actively taking steps to actually end our lives.

Tru -- = a spectrm

 

[pickajack]

Perfectionism, fear of hurting others, and lack of organizational skills are a big part of the reason I want to quit life. They are also the things keeping me here. Sometimes I joke with myself that if I ever got to the point of successful ctb, I wouldn't need to anymore.

 

[Rumi]

Sometimes I joke with myself that if I ever got to the point of successful ctb, I wouldn't need to anymore.

I have had this exact thought so many times. If I had the organisational skills to complete a complex method like inert gas, I would be so proud of what I had done that I don't think I could CTB lol.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm only trapped here as suicide certainly is so unnecessarily difficult in this world, there is no straightforward way for me and too many risks and complications involved. It's just the unfortunate reality of existing here in this anti suicide society and I guess that if one doesn't ctb they pretty much have no choice but to continue being trapped here.

And I know that the original poster mentioned the charcoal method in another thread, but that method would be way too complicated and pretty much impossible for me, there are just no easy ways.

 

[Rumi]

I'm only trapped here as suicide certainly is so unnecessarily difficult in this world, there is no straightforward way for me and too many risks and complications involved. It's just the unfortunate reality of existing here in this anti suicide society and I guess that if one doesn't ctb they pretty much have no choice but to continue being trapped here.

And I know that the original poster mentioned the charcoal method in another thread, but that method would be way too complicated and pretty much impossible for me, there are just no easy ways.

I am really sorry you are in this situation. My greatest fear would be to live in a world where every effective CTB method has been restricted by the state. It sounds like you are already in that world. I hope talking about it is at least cathartic.

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

I've been on this forum since 2018, been suicidal since 2014, been depressed since I was a child. I'm now 27, NEET, isolated, and stuck in an endless loop of hopelessness and yet not wanting to let go completely. Why? I dont know, but I'm sure it has something to do with me being a big procrastinator and daydreamer, and that my mother's financially support allows me to just exist. I have accquired both N and SN for 2 years now, yet here I am still existing from one day to another.

The longer I live, the more hopeless I become, and the closer I am to finally ending it all. I don't know when, but I know it will happen. I guess I'm just one of those that take longer to completely die out.

 

[Rumi]

I've been on this forum since 2018, been suicidal since 2014, been depressed since I was a child. I'm now 27, NEET, isolated, and stuck in an endless loop of hopelessness and yet not wanting to let go completely. Why? I dont know, but I'm sure it has something to do with me being a big procrastinator and daydreamer, and that my mother's financially support allows me to just exist. I have accquired both N and SN for 2 years now, yet here I am still existing from one day to another.

The longer I live, the more hopeless I become, and the closer I am to finally ending it all. I don't know when, but I know it will happen. I guess I'm just one of those that take longer to completely die out.

Looking back on the last 5-9 years, would you have missed out on anything important had you attempted?

 

[whoevencares]

Perfectionism, fear of hurting others, and lack of organizational skills are a big part of the reason I want to quit life. They are also the things keeping me here. Sometimes I joke with myself that if I ever got to the point of successful ctb, I wouldn't need to anymore.

One of the only reasons I wanna keep going is because of my parents but at the same time its the thing that makes me wanna stop and give up. I dont know what I would do if i ever hurt them. They only tried to be good people and do the right thing.

 

[No_Lxve]

I'm scared of pain before death. which is why I'm waiting till I'm 21 to get a shotgun.

I'm also in university which MAY be my ticket to happiness. but as of now. shits hitting the fan.

 

[Rumi]

I'm scared of pain before death. which is why I'm waiting till I'm 21 to get a shotgun.

I'm also in university which MAY be my ticket to happiness. but as of now. shits hitting the fan.

Good to see that some people are actually enjoying college. It's been hell for me, I'd say its the main reason I want to CTB.

What happened recently that made things worse for you?

 

[Arvinneedstodie]

Looking back on the last 5-9 years, would you have missed out on anything important had you attempted?

That's a really hard question for me. I've already lost hope and the will to live my life 9 years ago, and I've not found any hope since. Nothing that I can pinpoint and say that was worth the suffering either.

As for missing out? Oh yea, the past 9 years have been pretty interesting, i would have missed out on a lot. All the technological developments, having the time to enjoy all the new and old movies, shows, music, games, art and etc. Watching the world develop through all the conflicts, wars, politics, and covid.

However, the biggest thing is that with time I got to see and understand more things. Even though I lived as a lonely hermit for most of my life, the internet was my window to this world, to this life and everything. I'm so much more mature mentally than I was when I was 18, time really does mellow people out, and it's really awesome to experience that. The grudges and anguish I once had are now starting to fade into understanding and peace. I guess this is just the natural progression that comes with age, but this is one thing worth experiencing i guess.

 

[SpaxeZ]

This post is directed at members who joined SS before all of the media hype in 2021, or even before 2020.

I'm not trying to shame anyone or question their desire to CTB, I'd just like to know if there's anything in particular keeping people around.

I have this fear that I will never be able to overcome SI and actually attempt. Every time I research a method there is always this voice of doubt in my mind casting doubt on the method's effectiveness. I always manage to convince myself that the method is either unreliabe, painful, or too complicated to prepare. It sometimes feels like SI is just manifesting itself as doubt in mind.

I just want to know if anyone else has had this experience.

Fear of failing and ending up in a worse condition

 

[Rumi]

As for missing out? Oh yea, the past 9 years have been pretty interesting, i would have missed out on a lot. All the technological developments, having the time to enjoy all the new and old movies, shows, music, games, art and etc. Watching the world develop through all the conflicts, wars, politics, and covid.

Sports and movies are the only thing I really look forward to anymore. It's sort of tragic when I think about it.

However, the biggest thing is that with time I got to see and understand more things. Even though I lived as a lonely hermit for most of my life, the internet was my window to this world, to this life and everything. I'm so much more mature mentally than I was when I was 18, time really does mellow people out, and it's really awesome to experience that. The grudges and anguish I once had are now starting to fade into understanding and peace. I guess this is just the natural progression that comes with age, but this is one thing worth experiencing i guess.

The neet life has always appealed to me. I think if I had the option to try it, I would delay CTBing by a few years.

Do you realistically see yourself being able to live that way in the long-term?

 

[StolenLife]

Idk how to get SN or N and a part of me wants to finish Uni first.

 

[miserabletires9]

when I was in college, I started with alt.suicide.holiday. At that time, I wasn't actively suicidal, but more as a curiosity, and i always envied those that jumped into the river next to my uni and killed themselves by drowing.

Then I wasn't suicidal for a good 10, 15 years, and as I get pummeled with this thing called life multiple times, and realizing that as I age, the thing I desire would only be less and less likely, I just have had enough

 

[TAW122]

I always wanted to CTB, I could say there were times where I was passively wanting to CTB, but the idea of CTB'ing never left my mind... it was just a matter of time and circumstance. I do find that things are getting worse and I've been yearning for my exit actively since the past year or so. Given the shitshow of the SN incidents across the globe, I may have to resort to more violent methods to escape this hellish world...

 

[Rumi]

when I was in college, I started with alt.suicide.holiday. At that time, I wasn't actively suicidal, but more as a curiosity, and i always envied those that jumped into the river next to my uni and killed themselves by drowing.

Then I wasn't suicidal for a good 10, 15 years, and as I get pummeled with this thing called life multiple times, and realizing that as I age, the thing I desire would only be less and less likely, I just have had enough

When did that forum go down? Was there any users on it who are now on SS?

 

[miserabletires9]

When did that forum go down? Was there any users on it who are now on SS?

I am a user on alt.suicide.holiday and now on SS. I vaguely remember at the time of alt, the most popular method was NOT N? I think alt went down because google group got obsolete?

 

[Rumi]

I am a user on alt.suicide.holiday and now on SS. I vaguely remember at the time of alt, the most popular method was NOT N? I think alt went down because google group got obsolete?

It sounds like you took a break though. Was there any sort of 'migration' from alt.suicide.holiday to the SS reddit and then to SS itself in 2018?

 

[miserabletires9]

I don

It sounds like you took a break though. Was there any sort of 'migration' from alt.suicide.holiday to the SS reddit and then to SS itself in 2018?

I don't know if there's any sites that was the main ctb site between ASH and SS. I didn't know about SS reddit. I was on SS in 2019, active suicidal, got some resources, but at that time, I had a dog, the only person who loved me totally purely, and I sort of dragged it. He passed away in late 2020, throughout I was very depressed. I masked this depression by constant traveling, I traveled throughout the world during covid, all the way to January of 2023. And then one last thing pushed me over the edge and I am here again. And I really hope this is the last time.

 

[kwho]

It sometimes feels like SI is just manifesting itself as doubt in mind.

I just want to know if anyone else has had this experience.

I have. SI as the doubt in one's mind, i was wondering if anyone experiences it as that, hehehe.

 

[tiredofbreathing]

I'm only trapped here as suicide certainly is so unnecessarily difficult in this world, there is no straightforward way for me and too many risks and complications involved. It's just the unfortunate reality of existing here in this anti suicide society and I guess that if one doesn't ctb they pretty much have no choice but to continue being trapped here.

And I know that the original poster mentioned the charcoal method in another thread, but that method would be way too complicated and pretty much impossible for me, there are just no easy ways.

What if you got N?

 

[downndone2]

I suppose I've not been here as long as you are directing in your post but long enough as far as I'm concerned. I even left for a little bit and returned.
I would say for me it's a few things...
1. I found happiness for about 8 months and wasn't suicidal at all during that time
2. My grown kiddos
3. My 3 dogs that rely on me to take care of them
4. My family and friends
5. Si and not being able to access my preferred method
6. Finally, money would fix my fucked up situation and I hold onto hope that I will somehow come across it

 

[Forever Sleep]

I haven't been on here for as long as that but I've had ideation for 33 years. I'm hanging on for my Dad to go first.

 

[Linda]

I made it clear, in my introductory post, when I joined, that I was under no pressure to ctb. That makes me a bit different from many people here. Like many members, I would have preferred not to have been born, a conclusion I reached in my teens, but I'm not (normally) prone to depression, I have had a good life for the most part, and since I am here I decided I might as well make the best of it, so long as the positive aspects of living outweigh the negatives. So far, they have done. But I know that if my husband dies before me, that will probably change, and it will probably be time to go. If I get to that stage, I will ctb. I know how I will do it, and I have known since my teens. I don't actually need this site, but when I first found it I realised that there were very few older people here, which meant that the perspectives of people with some experience of life were under-represented in the posts. I didn't think that was a good thing, and I have stayed to do what I can to fill that gap.

 

[Rumi]

I made it clear, in my introductory post, when I joined, that I was under no pressure to ctb. That makes me a bit different from many people here. Like many members, I would have preferred not to have been born, a conclusion I reached in my teens, but I'm not (normally) prone to depression, I have had a good life for the most part, and since I am here I decided I might as well make the best of it, so long as the positive aspects of living outweigh the negatives. So far, they have done. But I know that if my husband dies before me, that will probably change, and it will probably be time to go. If I get to that stage, I will ctb. I know how I will do it, and I have known since my teens. I don't actually need this site, but when I first found it I realised that there were very few older people here, which meant that the perspectives of people with some experience of life were under-represented in the posts. I didn't think that was a good thing, and I have stayed to do what I can to fill that gap.

It sounds like you have had an interesting life.

I think I realised that I didn't like exisiting in my teens as well. I don't think I'm going to endure for as long as you have though, once I thought about CTB for the first time, I sort of came to the conclusion that I'm incapable of living a normal life, and that sooner or later, I'll have to check out.

I am happy that you have found a way to keep going despite the realisaton you had in your teens.

 

[FrostedHoax]

I'm not exactly who you're asking for with this question but I've known about this forum since around 2019 and I lurked here every now and then but I didn't make an account until a few months ago. The only thing stopping me from suicide is that I haven't gotten my hands on what I need for my chosen method yet.