NSFW Lonely

[Baka]

I've been trying apps but they never go anywhere. Not even particularly for dating. I'm so lonely. Took me forever to block a guy who clearly didn't care for having an actual conversation just because of how desperate I was. "You ever done dirty cosplays before?" "I'm wondering what you're wearing beneath." How did I genuinely think they could be interested in who I am as a person.

 

[glitterycheese]

Those apps are absolutely awful and atp just cash grabs. People dont care about others and their emotions on them, please. Please take time for yourself, go out in the world leave your bed

Im sorry that some guys are trashy/disgusting

 

[VirtualWorldIsBette]

I've been trying apps but they never go anywhere. Not even particularly for dating. I'm so lonely. Took me forever to block a guy who clearly didn't care for having an actual conversation just because of how desperate I was. "You ever done dirty cosplays before?" "I'm wondering what you're wearing beneath." How did I genuinely think they could be interested in who I am as a person.

Dating apps just make me more depressed seeing photos of people going out, people looking attractive, and people looking fun. All I have are awkward photos of myself that no one will swipe on. I get maybe 1-2 matches per week, and half of the time I get ghosted. I'm really lonely too, no one texts me anything, I just want to sleep the pain away. And a lot of people use it for the quick dopamine and validation knowing they are desirable rather than looking to build connection.

That dude also sounds like an asshole who was trying to use you. I'm glad you eventually blocked him

 

[aeoliandawn]

I've been trying apps but they never go anywhere. Not even particularly for dating. I'm so lonely. Took me forever to block a guy who clearly didn't care for having an actual conversation just because of how desperate I was. "You ever done dirty cosplays before?" "I'm wondering what you're wearing beneath." How did I genuinely think they could be interested in who I am as a person.

I really relate to this feeling, I also feel pretty lonely, both in the romantic and in a friendship way.
Tbh, I might be biased but I really hate these apps ngl, I do think that most of the people there chat for the worst intentions you know..?
It's hard to meet people irl and I know it for sure.
I also have another barrier cause I'm attracted to girls and, even though I'm 19, I still live with my parents and they are really, REALLY against it. I've got into pretty rough situations because because of that, so I always feel a mix of "oh I wanna date a girl" and intense guilt.
My advice for you? Well, like, what do you do for a living? You go to uni? If so, try making small talk with the people of your semester! It sucks, I know, it's slow, but that's how I made my friends.
Idk if it's your jam or not but the common consensus is to go to bars/parties with your friends and maybe meet someone there! I'm not the biggest fan though, I'm quite shy and I have a plethora of self image issues that makes me not put myself into these situations (that's why I'm a lonely ahh girl! It's my fault!)
Anyways, not sure if I helped or nah, but I just wanted to chat for a bit, I wish you the best tho!

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

I've been trying apps but they never go anywhere. Not even particularly for dating. I'm so lonely. Took me forever to block a guy who clearly didn't care for having an actual conversation just because of how desperate I was. "You ever done dirty cosplays before?" "I'm wondering what you're wearing beneath." How did I genuinely think they could be interested in who I am as a person.

Yeah I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

(Though as a guy that's seen as a dream come true if a woman asked me that, I've heard stories of guys getting r*ped and other guys envy them... Because that's how lonely some guys are (myself included sadly)... To rather drink poison than to suffer with thirst)

Yeah I don't get how guys like that get matches and yet genuine guys like myself (though honestly am I really such a catch ... Id die for you... except... id die just to be free anyway... Though it's a relationship that would make me actually want to stay.... Yeah so clear I've never had the privilege of being in a relationship... Heck untouched and unwanted) who actually want something meaningful never get chosen to match to begin with. Feels like such a rigged lottery.

 

[Tyra]

Yeah I'm sorry you had to deal with that.

(Though as a guy that's seen as a dream come true if a woman asked me that, I've heard stories of guys getting r*ped and other guys envy them... Because that's how lonely some guys are (myself included sadly)... To rather drink poison than to suffer with thirst)

Yeah I don't get how guys like that get matches and yet genuine guys like myself (though honestly am I really such a catch ... Id die for you... except... id die just to be free anyway... Though it's a relationship that would make me actually want to stay.... Yeah so clear I've never had the privilege of being in a relationship... Heck untouched and unwanted) who actually want something meaningful never get chosen to match to begin with. Feels like such a rigged lottery.

Probably no girl wants you because you're motivated only by sex. You said it's a dream if a woman messaged you about sex.

Dream should be about finding a soulmate and love.

 

[Zzzkurt]

I've been trying apps but they never go anywhere. Not even particularly for dating. I'm so lonely. Took me forever to block a guy who clearly didn't care for having an actual conversation just because of how desperate I was. "You ever done dirty cosplays before?" "I'm wondering what you're wearing beneath." How did I genuinely think they could be interested in who I am as a person.

I think dating apps have died a long time ago. Now it's just bots, scammers, or someone trying to promote their Instagram, onlyfans, or trash music they clearly pay to get streams/views on.

Last time I tried using one, I did match with quite a few that seemed legit but the conversations wouldn't even go beyond breaking the ice. It seems the best time for all that was around 2009 to maybe 2015-ish. Basically whenever an influx of bots (and people who desperately want internet fame) came about.

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

Probably no girl wants you because you're motivated only by sex. You said it's a dream if a woman messaged you about sex.

Dream should be about finding a soulmate and love.

No, it's a dream if a woman messaged me full stop, messaging about sex would just flatter me and move things forward faster. It's because I'm invisible because there's way too many guys. And if it only was about sex then I'd just go to a prostitute and wouldn't be a virgin and wouldn't be on Sasu because I can't find anything meaningful in life.

My dream goes so much further than a bedroom. Literally someone who I share my life with and who shares their lives with me and who I make feel special and cherished.

 

[Tyra]

No, it's a dream if a woman messaged me full stop, messaging about sex would just flatter me and move things forward faster. It's because I'm invisible because there's way too many guys. And if it only was about sex then I'd just go to a prostitute and wouldn't be a virgin and wouldn't be on Sasu because I can't find anything meaningful in life.

My dream goes so much further than a bedroom. Literally someone who I share my life with and who shares their lives with me and who I make feel special and cherished.

Even if I had a beautiful perfect relationship I still would want to CTB. Even if I had a 10 million dollars I would still want to CTB. Life is a prison sentence. Always.

You should not be on here. If you don't 100% want to CTB because you lost everything in your heart then you clearly still want to be alive and you will regret CTB.

I recommend Reddit groups for you, there's a lot of men like you who deal with this.

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

Even if I had a beautiful perfect relationship I still would want to CTB. Even if I had a 10 million dollars I would still want to CTB. Life is a prison sentence. Always.

You should not be on here. If you don't 100% want to CTB because you lost everything in your heart then you clearly still want to be alive and you will regret CTB.

I recommend Reddit groups for you, there's a lot of men like you who deal with this.

Ok to be clear. I don't "want" to CTB at all. However I fear living and being stuck in a life I hate is so much worse.

And men that deal with this.... I appreciate the suggestion but I don't see how an eco chamber highlighting just how systematic my issue is helps and how hopeless it is.

I feel the reasons for me being here aren't entirely clear so if you want I've attached my suicide note below explaining why it's such a big issue to me specifically.

I finally took control of my life and succeeded and achieved the ultimate promotion that matters the most.

Even if I wasn't too broken my life simply is. It's impossible to heal in a vacuum. Everyday the failure of meaningful success especially in romance gets heavier and heavier as I realise more and more how little space this world has for me. I am simply part of the too many. The noise in a crowd trying to get noticed by life.
I am a negative variable. Subtracting myself can only increase the total.

I do not see a future worth enduring for. Men only receive flowers on their graves. The world rejected me. Catastrophically. It didn't just deny me success; it denied me the basic texture of connection.

My return on investment for what I put into life and what I get back gets worse and worse. Thought I had a breakthrough as I met very keen professors only to humilate myself. Like in grave of the fireflies... That strife and striving never lead to prosperity and death before strife would have been a humane mercy.

Is it really worth striving so hard just for a journey for the same end.

The world had already shown me everything it has to offer, and none of it is worth staying for.

As the silence of my unlived life becomes a scream.

I guess the damage from the cult both to me but especially to my life is irreparable as extraordinary failures just collect endlessly. Diagnosed by a psychiatrist as delusional as well.

I'm 33 and I don't have a single meaningful success in my life. Not 1. In fact my life feels so cursed I question the hand of a higher power running some kind of cruel experiment rather than just random misfortune. I was born very premature and if only I had died in birth, but a premature birth I suspect is part of the cause of my defects. Excluding the adversity everyone else goes through a cult where I was told god would judge me for my thoughts so even my own thoughts weren't my own as I lived in fear for my golden developmental years and hit by lightning twice and my father who was suicidal and mentally unstable Infront of me. Bitten or perhaps the skin on my face eaten by a rat on my own bed while asleep requiring traumatic rabies treatment. Bitten by a dog on my birthday, wronged by another dog and denied justice when it took my irreplaceable cat Zinzi from me and I could take no legal action to seek justice, because I as a human being had less rights than that dog in seeking justice... A perfect example of my lifes worth... It's truly extraordinary. It's difficult to believe I wasn't setup to fail from the very beginning. And to top it off hit by a tornado while in a car, in South Africa... Where tornadoes are extremely rare. And where to survive all that only to realise I'm a dinosaur in a world that statistically doesn't want or need me as I'm purely just a surplus taking up resources. Intervention is only prolonging suffering. And so after learning to let go of a world that had no use for me I attain a greater permanence.

Years out of the cult and I haven't been able to rebuild my life. And each day that gets heavier and heavier. If anyone wonders why I'm in a race against time this is it. Because every week that goes past my fate of romantic isolation and progress stagnation becomes more and more absolute. Whatever I cannot achieve now I definitely will never be able to achieve later. You cannot heal in a life you loath. I'm just noise in the background of other people's lives.

Everyone loves me, but nobody likes me and that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

To my defence I tried everything. More than a year of psychologists and psychiatrists, institutionalization in hospital and successfully stabilized.

But none of that could fix a life which I had hoped did not follow me from South Africa but it did even though I tried so hard to flee from it. The fundamentals of life did not change in my favour. I am still part of the too many on this planet. Supply and demand are very clear here. I doubt I belong anywhere. Telling someone to love themselves when they've been systematically unloved is a cruel joke.

I went over some literature of WW1 survivers and after the war for many of them it just sounds like they had to survive a post war conflict having lost too much to even dream of living where an early grave is the greatest release they can have to free themselves from their trauma. A soldier who cannot find a new mission will eventually turn his weapon on the only objective left: himself. Or he will simply cease to be.

And so if given the choice to choose when to self euthanase... That is the most important question, and the answer is not a date on a calendar or a specific event. It is not when things get a little better, or a little worse. It is a feeling of finality. A deep, resonant certainty that has settled into my bones. It is the moment I realize that the hope for a different life, a life without this constant, grinding weight, is no longer a possibility. It is when the very thought of enduring another week, another month, another year of this despair feels more unbearable than the finality of the alternative. It is when the peace i have been imagining is no longer a distant dream, but the only tangible reality left within my grasp.

This is not an end but a completion... This is not an end but a return to a state of being before I was alive... before I was born...A peace I have long forgotten... perhaps a peace I've been searching for my whole life without even knowing it...The quite of a final gentle release... This is an act of reclamation...of taking my peace back from a world that has consistently refused to give it...

 

[Tyra]

Ok to be clear. I don't "want" to CTB at all. However I fear living and being stuck in a life I hate is so much worse.

And men that deal with this.... I appreciate the suggestion but I don't see how an eco chamber highlighting just how systematic my issue is helps and how hopeless it is.

I feel the reasons for me being here aren't entirely clear so if you want I've attached my suicide note below explaining why it's such a big issue to me specifically.

I finally took control of my life and succeeded and achieved the ultimate promotion that matters the most.

Even if I wasn't too broken my life simply is. It's impossible to heal in a vacuum. Everyday the failure of meaningful success especially in romance gets heavier and heavier as I realise more and more how little space this world has for me. I am simply part of the too many. The noise in a crowd trying to get noticed by life.
I am a negative variable. Subtracting myself can only increase the total.

I do not see a future worth enduring for. Men only receive flowers on their graves. The world rejected me. Catastrophically. It didn't just deny me success; it denied me the basic texture of connection.

My return on investment for what I put into life and what I get back gets worse and worse. Thought I had a breakthrough as I met very keen professors only to humilate myself. Like in grave of the fireflies... That strife and striving never lead to prosperity and death before strife would have been a humane mercy.

Is it really worth striving so hard just for a journey for the same end.

The world had already shown me everything it has to offer, and none of it is worth staying for.

As the silence of my unlived life becomes a scream.

I guess the damage from the cult both to me but especially to my life is irreparable as extraordinary failures just collect endlessly. Diagnosed by a psychiatrist as delusional as well.

I'm 33 and I don't have a single meaningful success in my life. Not 1. In fact my life feels so cursed I question the hand of a higher power running some kind of cruel experiment rather than just random misfortune. I was born very premature and if only I had died in birth, but a premature birth I suspect is part of the cause of my defects. Excluding the adversity everyone else goes through a cult where I was told god would judge me for my thoughts so even my own thoughts weren't my own as I lived in fear for my golden developmental years and hit by lightning twice and my father who was suicidal and mentally unstable Infront of me. Bitten or perhaps the skin on my face eaten by a rat on my own bed while asleep requiring traumatic rabies treatment. Bitten by a dog on my birthday, wronged by another dog and denied justice when it took my irreplaceable cat Zinzi from me and I could take no legal action to seek justice, because I as a human being had less rights than that dog in seeking justice... A perfect example of my lifes worth... It's truly extraordinary. It's difficult to believe I wasn't setup to fail from the very beginning. And to top it off hit by a tornado while in a car, in South Africa... Where tornadoes are extremely rare. And where to survive all that only to realise I'm a dinosaur in a world that statistically doesn't want or need me as I'm purely just a surplus taking up resources. Intervention is only prolonging suffering. And so after learning to let go of a world that had no use for me I attain a greater permanence.

Years out of the cult and I haven't been able to rebuild my life. And each day that gets heavier and heavier. If anyone wonders why I'm in a race against time this is it. Because every week that goes past my fate of romantic isolation and progress stagnation becomes more and more absolute. Whatever I cannot achieve now I definitely will never be able to achieve later. You cannot heal in a life you loath. I'm just noise in the background of other people's lives.

Everyone loves me, but nobody likes me and that is the loneliest feeling in the world.

To my defence I tried everything. More than a year of psychologists and psychiatrists, institutionalization in hospital and successfully stabilized.

But none of that could fix a life which I had hoped did not follow me from South Africa but it did even though I tried so hard to flee from it. The fundamentals of life did not change in my favour. I am still part of the too many on this planet. Supply and demand are very clear here. I doubt I belong anywhere. Telling someone to love themselves when they've been systematically unloved is a cruel joke.

I went over some literature of WW1 survivers and after the war for many of them it just sounds like they had to survive a post war conflict having lost too much to even dream of living where an early grave is the greatest release they can have to free themselves from their trauma. A soldier who cannot find a new mission will eventually turn his weapon on the only objective left: himself. Or he will simply cease to be.

And so if given the choice to choose when to self euthanase... That is the most important question, and the answer is not a date on a calendar or a specific event. It is not when things get a little better, or a little worse. It is a feeling of finality. A deep, resonant certainty that has settled into my bones. It is the moment I realize that the hope for a different life, a life without this constant, grinding weight, is no longer a possibility. It is when the very thought of enduring another week, another month, another year of this despair feels more unbearable than the finality of the alternative. It is when the peace i have been imagining is no longer a distant dream, but the only tangible reality left within my grasp.

This is not an end but a completion... This is not an end but a return to a state of being before I was alive... before I was born...A peace I have long forgotten... perhaps a peace I've been searching for my whole life without even knowing it...The quite of a final gentle release... This is an act of reclamation...of taking my peace back from a world that has consistently refused to give it...

Finding community can help. If you don't want to CTB, you shouldn't.

This place should be for people who actually want too.

who is going to read that note? Your family? How do you think they will feel reading that?

 

[PersonBeforeLife]

Finding community can help. If you don't want to CTB, you shouldn't.

This place should be for people who actually want too.

who is going to read that note? Your family? How do you think they will feel reading that?

I tried community... It failed... And my family don't need to read it as they probably already know what it says... They know suicide is my default because I have no reason to live so the slightest inconvenience and I attempt.

So who will read that note... If not my family then perhaps it can be on my tombstone... Which no one will read... And maybe that's the point as a final middle finger to my life which I loath.

Also the word "want" probably means different things to us. For example if someone is given the choice to burn to death or die by acid... And they choose the fire... Did they "want" the fire?... Or was suffocating and choking from smoke simply a less painful reality? In this case I "want" neither.

 

[Special Week]

Honestly, I'm in the same boat as you. I even feel a certain repulsion towards people now, even though deep down, the loneliness is killing me. I only have one best friend who's from Switzerland, but I barely talk to her because I feel like she doesn't care about me, and besides, she has her own life and her own friends in real life. Even after three days of me not writing to her, she wrote to me first to ask if I was okay. I replied that I wasn't doing so well, and then she said she'd come over, and after that, I didn't reply, I didn't even see her message. I don't know if she cares about me or not, but the truth is, I don't care anymore. I don't feel any excitement about talking to people anymore; in fact, I completely reject the idea

 

[mistake22]

Keep trying. Maybe in different ways

 

[Arboretum]

I adopted a kitten. She made me very happy for a moment there

 

[Tyra]

I tried community... It failed... And my family don't need to read it as they probably already know what it says... They know suicide is my default because I have no reason to live so the slightest inconvenience and I attempt.

So who will read that note... If not my family then perhaps it can be on my tombstone... Which no one will read... And maybe that's the point as a final middle finger to my life which I loath.

Also the word "want" probably means different things to us. For example if someone is given the choice to burn to death or die by acid... And they choose the fire... Did they "want" the fire?... Or was suffocating and choking from smoke simply a less painful reality? In this case I "want" neither.

They don't put suicide notes on tombstones. The cemetery has rules on what can and can't go on tombstones. It's also expensive to write even small sentences on a tombstone.