Venting “Loneliness”

[Karrikin]

I can't say for certain I am "lonely". There's obviously people who care for me and would like to see me live and become someone yet I refuse to believe that and I didn't even consider it the last time I held a barrel to the roof of my mouth. I often wonder, what does that make me? A bad person? If so, am I justified in removing the world of a parasite that cannot be helped no matter who is around him? That no matter the efforts or resources burned I can't be fixed. Sometimes I wonder if others feel the same, I'm always looking for someone new to talk to because I love meeting people —even when it's not mutual. But even then, this tendency to expect people to be okay with me self terminating (or even being glad) seems so disconnected.

 

[keagro]

I feel you, I know for a fact that I'm blessed to have so so many people around me who care, but I still feel a void in my heart that has no way of being replaced. Often when I'm like that I just go into a "fuck it we ball" phase and start reaching out to new people, but recently, since I know I'm probably going to ctb, I've stopped.

 

[chloeburbank]

i do have a lot of people around me who would be willing to help, but i cant bring myself to get them involved in my business. i feel guilty and afraid to ask for help which is why i consider myself lonely. i go out of my way to avoid people and its just not healthy. i hate myself for not being able to connect with people

 

[bluevalentine]

yea def complex topic for me to wrap my head around too. I dont think you are a bad person for feeling and its not fair to label yourself as a parasite because of guilt and inner pain. making a choice is hard. Lately impulsiveness has been an issue for me at least. ofc i cant be in your shoes and were just strangers at the end of the day but just for tn i like to think its not really alone if other people are feeling a similar way to me. not trying to say the loneliness doesnt exist but false hope and wishful thinking in a way for me until the future plays out for me whatever that may be