Loneliness pushing one to suicide

[Tegan_sky]

Just a question, is there anyone else here on the forum who has been deathly lonely for such a long period of time that this is a factor in your desire to CTB? I am older than many here, possibly, almost 60, in alcohol recovery for many years, have tried and tried to make new friends in recovery since beginning of 2012, average attempts was trying with two people a year. I think when anyone gave me their number when I asked, and they said "sure you can call me," that was code for "sure, you can call me...ONCE!" Some never returned calls even once. I finally gave up. People in recovery in my area have zero tolerance for my severe depression that is there no matter what I do, my only support is my shrink.

Loneliness is eating me up along with numerous physical and mental health issues only getting worse with age. I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same. If I had the guts to do a quick suicide I wonder if I would go through with it, I was suicidal in my early 20's, then again at 50, in 2010. And now it is coming back. As it is, I go without cancer screenings, no mammograms, no colonoscopies, and continue to be a heavy smoker, deep down not caring if I get cancer. If I did, if a doctor said to me "you have cancer, I'm sorry" to which I would reply "you mean I can finally leave now?" meaning leave life. Don't get cancer treatment, have hospice come in, have them make me comfortable with morphine or whatever, and just die peacefully.

How many here have excruciating loneliness as a factor in wanting to CTB? It would help me to know I'm not the only one.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

My loneliness is a big reason for my desire to ctb. I had IRL "friends," but none of them really cared, so I cut contact by choice. Now I'm completely alone (with the exception of my bf and my SS friends).

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Yes it's at the top of my list of reasons to ctb

 

[The.End]

I am lonely and I do crave human interaction but truth be told, I not a nice person or friend so I honestly believe it's best for everyone if I keep mostly to myself.

 

[StillWaiting]

Feel lonely everyday.
I think I really miss out a lot of things people enjoy in life. Then again I am too toxic for others to accept me.

 

[Baskol1]

Feel lonely everyday.
I think I really miss out a lot of things people enjoy in life. Then again I am too toxic for others to accept me.

Is that your cat in the picture?

 

[Mr2005]

Here's my cat. Love him but sometimes I can't be arsed. Being needed is nicer in theory than in practice. It's more likely to push me to suicide if people won't leave me alone.

 

[StillWaiting]

Is that your cat in the picture?

Sadly no. It is a photo of a stray cat which I took.

 

[Baskol1]

Sadly no. It is a photo of a stray cat which I took.

A cute cat

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

Yes, that's my main reason too. It didn't bother me for a long time and so I ignored it and stayed alone for so long that I seem to have forgotten how to even connect to people.

Making friends at my age (early 40s) isn't as easy as in your 20s in the first place, but nobody would want to put up with a mess like me on top of that. I'd really need someone to take me by the hand and help me, but there's nobody who cares as I'm just not worth it. I desperately wish I could fix this, but I just can't and it makes me want to die so much.

I recently made a careful effort online, but it resulted in such a train wreck that in the end it only served to drive the point home that it's all hopeless and I have to go. All I can do is pretend to be a functional person at work, I cannot open up to people and be vulnerable.

I'll never have friends again, or an intimate relationship, or a family and kids. Nothing good awaits me, nothing at all.

So yeah, sorry to hear you're there too, it's a horrible place to be.

 

[color_me_gone]

Making friends means sharing interests.
You have to have interests to make friends.
Depressed people may have had interests, but lose them through the depression.

 

[ish]

Hello, I have similarly almost 60 years and emptiness around me, my first wife died twenty years ago, my son chose drugs and I have not had contact with him for many years. The second marriage fell apart a year ago, I still have a mother and I think I'm the only one who lives because of it. The state I'm in - I don't see any point in the future
life, I have no more strength or desire to keep trying to live. I even gave up the phone, nobody calls me and I don't have anyone. Nie potrafię już nawet płakać. My perspectiv are to continue living in anticipation of diseases that, will lead to my death in about 20 yearsas a loner , or
CTB. That is why I am on the SS forum.

 

[Poodle]

My reasons are loneliness, chronic illnesses and not being able to fulfill my dreams of having a partner, my own children and a dog. Also I wanted to be able to work but illness took that away.

 

[Ruffian]

Just a question, is there anyone else here on the forum who has been deathly lonely for such a long period of time that this is a factor in your desire to CTB? I am older than many here, possibly, almost 60, in alcohol recovery for many years, have tried and tried to make new friends in recovery since beginning of 2012, average attempts was trying with two people a year. I think when anyone gave me their number when I asked, and they said "sure you can call me," that was code for "sure, you can call me...ONCE!" Some never returned calls even once. I finally gave up. People in recovery in my area have zero tolerance for my severe depression that is there no matter what I do, my only support is my shrink.

Loneliness is eating me up along with numerous physical and mental health issues only getting worse with age. I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same. If I had the guts to do a quick suicide I wonder if I would go through with it, I was suicidal in my early 20's, then again at 50, in 2010. And now it is coming back. As it is, I go without cancer screenings, no mammograms, no colonoscopies, and continue to be a heavy smoker, deep down not caring if I get cancer. If I did, if a doctor said to me "you have cancer, I'm sorry" to which I would reply "you mean I can finally leave now?" meaning leave life. Don't get cancer treatment, have hospice come in, have them make me comfortable with morphine or whatever, and just die peacefully.

How many here have excruciating loneliness as a factor in wanting to CTB? It would help me to know I'm not the only one.

(Lighting 3rd Marlboro within the last hour and half): I'm 51, think AA is complete shite for women and other sentient beings, (13th step, anyone?) and can feel excruciatingly lonely. However, I can be a complete asshole, sometimes without even meaning to be, so I'm hesitant about even trying to make friends anymore IRL. But people on here help a lot. Just having people accept how depressed you are works wonders for the soul. You can PM me anytime, I don't know if you have privileges yet. When you do, feel free. I just might not PM back right away, and it has nothing to do with you. I'm probably just depressed or sorting through stuff.

 

[shelledone]

Oh definitely. Every morning I wake up realizing how alone I am. I can stay in my house days at a time. For a while I would push myself to get out and walk, and I'd see other ppl walking dogs, jogging, or biking to work, etc and that would be as close as I'd get to other human interaction. Certainly I can go months on end without touching someone.

I feel the "chaotic" (or random element) of others would be a treasured enrichment to my life that might make my life enjoyable enough to live longer (though the prospect of old age/health issues would eventually do me in).

I haven't been able to connect with anybody online in a long time. Long ago I played Everquest and there were all types of people in my guild, so not just teens or young adults. It was an amazing experience and they accepted my quietness yet I could joke around with them and be silly once I started trusting them. And before that, there was IRC. These days, I"m just lost in a sea of people.

I have pet turtles but they don't care about me, and I am not in a position to care for dogs or cats!

 

[Aliaiactaest]

Tegansky, I can relate. I'm older as well, about your age. Got divorced for the second time. My mom also passed away last year. Since then, I've come to realized how all alone I am. To be clear, I have friends, including some very good and long time friends. But I feel all alone in the world without my family.
There are two types of loneliness---social and emotional. Social is where you crave companionship; emotional is where you feel all alone even though you may have some companionship. Obviously, one can suffer from both.

 

[JimFord99]

It is easier to lose friends then to meek friends. Loneliness will lead to depression, depression will lead to suicidal thoughts. Life is a disease.

 

[HGL91]

My loneliness is a big reason for my desire to ctb. I had IRL "friends," but none of them really cared, so I cut contact by choice. Now I'm completely alone (with the exception of my bf and my SS friends).

The older I get, the more it seems people are too busy to care. Before my depression, that's kinda how it was for me. Between working 3 jobs, having a depressed boyfriend, doing errands, and taking care of the house, I barely even had time to rest, let alone have empathy for friends.

It made me feel bad though. Like I was failing at being a good friend, when I used to be an amazing friend to my best friends of 14 years. But they also got in relationships and moved on too, so oh well.

 

[ScorpiusDragon]

The older I get, the more it seems people are too busy to care. Before my depression, that's kinda how it was for me. Between working 3 jobs, having a depressed boyfriend, doing errands, and taking care of the house, I barely even had time to rest, let alone have empathy for friends.

It made me feel bad though. Like I was failing at being a good friend, when I used to be an amazing friend to my best friends of 14 years. But they also got in relationships and moved on too, so oh well.

Yea. I think I know what you mean when you said most people are too busy to care. I realized I was only relevant to my friends when they needed something. For me, I am considered a talented writer. So when my friends needed help on their law school application essays, med school application essays, or business school application essays, they will reach out to me. But when I got hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, most of them didn't message me once.

 

[Baskol1]

Yea. I think I know what you mean when you said most people are too busy to care. I realized I was only relevant to my friends when they needed something. For me, I am considered a talented writer. So when my friends needed help on their law school application essays, med school application essays, or business school application essays, they will reach out to me. But when I got hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, most of them didn't message me once.

Nobody cares when youre for example homeless and kill yourself. Probably not even your parents.

 

[HGL91]

Yea. I think I know what you mean when you said most people are too busy to care. I realized I was only relevant to my friends when they needed something. For me, I am considered a talented writer. So when my friends needed help on their law school application essays, med school application essays, or business school application essays, they will reach out to me. But when I got hospitalized for suicidal thoughts, most of them didn't message me once.

I'm sorry to hear that. :/ Yeah, after college, it's very hard to keep friends and make new, good friends. Especially after people burn you like that, it's hard to trust that people will reciprocate kindness.

 

[oopswronglife]

For sure. The lonliness is a side effect of the medical issues. People abandon you, they don't want to be around suffering as it reminds them of what can happen to them and they don't like the guilt they feel for having a good life while you do not. So they victim blame and leave. It's an endless cycle as losses make you retract more to protect yourself...and you become more lonely...rinse..repeat. Even normal "old folks" face lonliness in Western cultures as their family, if they have one, is off doing their own thing and their cohort dies off. But for people in our shoes it comes much sooner.

 

[Roger]

Just a question, is there anyone else here on the forum who has been deathly lonely for such a long period of time that this is a factor in your desire to CTB? I am older than many here, possibly, almost 60, in alcohol recovery for many years, have tried and tried to make new friends in recovery since beginning of 2012, average attempts was trying with two people a year. I think when anyone gave me their number when I asked, and they said "sure you can call me," that was code for "sure, you can call me...ONCE!" Some never returned calls even once. I finally gave up. People in recovery in my area have zero tolerance for my severe depression that is there no matter what I do, my only support is my shrink.

Loneliness is eating me up along with numerous physical and mental health issues only getting worse with age. I have nothing to look forward to but more of the same. If I had the guts to do a quick suicide I wonder if I would go through with it, I was suicidal in my early 20's, then again at 50, in 2010. And now it is coming back. As it is, I go without cancer screenings, no mammograms, no colonoscopies, and continue to be a heavy smoker, deep down not caring if I get cancer. If I did, if a doctor said to me "you have cancer, I'm sorry" to which I would reply "you mean I can finally leave now?" meaning leave life. Don't get cancer treatment, have hospice come in, have them make me comfortable with morphine or whatever, and just die peacefully.

How many here have excruciating loneliness as a factor in wanting to CTB? It would help me to know I'm not the only one.

You aren't alone.

 

[GinaIsReady]

To all of you suffering from loneliness, my heart goes out to you. I am also older, 55 yrs old. I have chosen a life that does not include friends (avoiding interpersonal conflict), family (critical for my self care) or pets (dog passed 5 months ago and won't get another since I will be extinguishing my life soon). I do have a husband but he is, essentially, a low-functioning special needs man and so I am more of a caretaker (at least we get along now). I used to feel profoundly alone, which was very painful and even distressing/overwhelming at times (like when you cry your ass off and freak out because you are alone). Somehow after the 3 recent EMDR treatments I've had (trauma treatments), it seems like the loneliness has mostly gone away. I don't understand why yet. I look forward to that answer revealing itself. I hope it's not a temporary thing.

 

[oopswronglife]

You aren't alone.

I know you mean well so don't feel I am trying to undo your kindness, but personally things like this forum are not even close to real life relationships. Maybe 5-10% at best of what those provide. Even my cat, who is the dearest thing to me in the world, isn't able to fill the void that an isolated human life results in. In away seeing so many others suffer makes it WORSE for me...not better through some commiseration.

 

[Empty Smile]

Loneliness is not one of my reasons for wanting to ctb. It's the years of depression and anxiety that has driven me to this point.

When the gf was killed several years ago, it only added to the depression and anxiety I've had for decades. The loneliness I do suffer from comes from being without her. There will never be anyone who can hold a candle next to her.

 

[JimFord99]

Ya, it is the anxiety and the depression, and the fear just to go out of the house, being in the open. As you lost a loved one makes it just worse. Not been in this situation, but I do understand ...

 

[wanttodie.nz]

Yes I feel very lonely. As I am writing this I am lying in my bed at my parents house alone. The few friends that I have are busy and they only occasionally message me and that's only if I message them first. I struggle to make new friends as I have no idea what to say other than the usual platitudes. We always make plans but nothing comes from them. I crave connection and love but I never get it.

 

[LifeOver]

Yes, this is totally me. I am socially awkward and struggle to make friends.

Honestly, I do not believe you will find many people on a suicide forum who can truthfully say that they are not lonely.

 

[JimFord99]

Usually, suicidal people are lonely. Some have a mask so the don't appear lonely, but they are.
Usually, suicidal people are lonely. Some have a mask so the don't appear lonely, but they are.