Venting Loneliness & Jealousy

[sindra]

I just had to share with someone and this forum seems the perfect place.

Late night depression hits again and now I realize, I have no one to talk to about my feelings, I have no one that I feel comfortable sharing what's on my mind. Even if I did talk to someone about my struggles, I don't feel any better, I've been getting the same responds from everyone like "Dam that sucks, it will get better just wait", or sometimes they would start talking about how they are struggling even more than me so I shouldn't feel the way I feel. Most of them are making a competition about who's struggling the most. This year I fell in love with one girl, she was lovely, everyone on the campus knows her because she talks to basically everyone, if she sees someone new she will make conversation with them. Skipping the boring part and straight to the point, I fumbled, I was devastated, I couldn't stop thinking about it and the amount of times I would cut myself just to cope with the feelings is a lot. Now I get jealous of the person that ends up being with her, I get jealous of the people that talk to her on a daily basis, I get jealous of her personality, I can't help it and I am a dick for that. Even worse, I wish she didn't exist at all, I wish I never met her, I want her out of my life but I can't bring myself to ignore her if she tries talking to me nor I can't block her, she doesn't deserve it, she doesn't deserve anything bad. There is still 2 years of college I'm forced to go through so I will be seeing her at least once every few days.

Coping with overwhelming emotions is becoming more difficult with each day passing, the feeling of loneliness, that there is no one to support or understand me is growing. Cutting myself is not as pleasing anymore and doesn't result in the same relief as usual, I feel like during summer break it will be much worse, I wish to avoid it but I don't think I have much control over it. I'm lost, not sure what to do, this world is tiring me.
After I post this I will try to cut myself even deeper than before and see if it works.

 

[hav0c-inmybrain]

Thank for sharing, sorry to hear about your situation... I can fully relate to late night depression hitting hard and having no one to express my feelings with. It's tough and I understand

 

[Faded For Her]

I've been in the exact same situation. The cutting won't stop. It got worse and worse until the pandemic hit and college had to stop activities, then I had some respite. I used this time to think and then abandoned that college, cut all ties with everyone I met there and disappeared, never looking back. The cutting stopped, the pain went away. You have to remove yourself from the source of pain, my friend. Sometimes, fleeing to fight another war is the wise choice.