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OnlyBuilt4Linxs
Member
- Apr 16, 2020
- 36
I don't care what anyone says, the feeling of loneliness is the worst feeling ever. isolation fucking hurts. being a social outcast/reject is painful. I hate feeling like this. I had friends when I was younger in like middle school, and I use the term "friends" very loosely, but high school changed everything. 4 years of fucking isolation and constant verbal abuse from peers. Now I'm in community college and you can forget about making friends here. People just come and go. This shit sucks and I'm tired of life. It hurts watching Youtube videos and seeing these dudes out with their friends having fun and just enjoying life. I get so jealous and just think "only if." Some people are so lucky and don't even understand.
The worst part about it is that there's no way to change it. I'm 20 and 90% of people my age already have their circle and aren't really trying to make any new friends. I'm living in hell daily and I just want to kill myself so bad, but I can't imagine subjecting my mother to that kind of pain. When I see how concerned she is with my well being when she sees me down, I can't imagine how she'd be finding me dead. I sometimes even think of taking her with me so she doesn't have to live with that grief, but I'm not gonna do that of course. But at the same time, nobody should be subjected to live like this. I can't smoke weed to take the pain away because of my paranoid schizophrenia. So there is no escape.
This is TRUE pain and the only way to solve it is with a 12 gauge to the head.
And the scariest thing to me about death is, what if life is just an endless cycle? What if I kill myself just to come back alive and have to do this shit over and over again?
I can only pray that one day, by a miracle, that my life does a complete 180 and I somehow manage to have at least 1 friend and not be so isolated. I swear, if I somehow manage to pull myself out this hell, I will never complain about life again.
The worst part about it is that there's no way to change it. I'm 20 and 90% of people my age already have their circle and aren't really trying to make any new friends. I'm living in hell daily and I just want to kill myself so bad, but I can't imagine subjecting my mother to that kind of pain. When I see how concerned she is with my well being when she sees me down, I can't imagine how she'd be finding me dead. I sometimes even think of taking her with me so she doesn't have to live with that grief, but I'm not gonna do that of course. But at the same time, nobody should be subjected to live like this. I can't smoke weed to take the pain away because of my paranoid schizophrenia. So there is no escape.
This is TRUE pain and the only way to solve it is with a 12 gauge to the head.
And the scariest thing to me about death is, what if life is just an endless cycle? What if I kill myself just to come back alive and have to do this shit over and over again?
I can only pray that one day, by a miracle, that my life does a complete 180 and I somehow manage to have at least 1 friend and not be so isolated. I swear, if I somehow manage to pull myself out this hell, I will never complain about life again.