aikoelis6
Member
- Dec 9, 2019
- 22
it's getting so bad... i relapsed burning myself again after 8 months... ive been completely alone for 12 years, ever since my lover and bestfriend was killed... we used to tell eachother that there was no point in living without eachother. it's coming up to the 13th anniversary of his death.... i havent been happy since; my heart is empty and aches to be with him still... i know he is waiting for me... i have been keeping him waiting for too long...
i made an attempt at living again after isolating myself for 10 years... i started going back to university and i am getting amazing grades, but i still can't feel happy for myself or see any hope for the future. i will never love anyone again, i dont want to be loved by anyone ever again... we knew eachother since we were babies... they are the only memories ive been able to hold on to, everything else gets washed away and forgotten about... it's so hard to focus on anything...
i keep failing my attempts... thankfully no one has ever found me, and i just woke up the next morning and went back to life as usual without anyone knowing... but i know its having effects on me... i feel stupider and stupider by the day.... I'm really tired of this, I dont know why I'm trapped here to suffer with these constant thoughts of self hatred and self harm. i wish i was taken instead of him, he had such a bright future ahead of him and all i wanted to do was follow him in his shadows... now im left here alone, trying to find my way in a world i never wanted to exist in... i have no friends... my family ignores me... im so alone.... i have my cat, i guess... but i regret getting her too because i know i will end up committing suicide before she passes, and i dont know what will happen to her after that... the guilt is so fucking bad, but it's worse this time of year, when it comes close to the anniversary of his death....
not really looking for advice... idk why im even writing this... every year keeps getting worse and worse and i just need to fucking die. nothing eases my pain, not even drugs anymore
i made an attempt at living again after isolating myself for 10 years... i started going back to university and i am getting amazing grades, but i still can't feel happy for myself or see any hope for the future. i will never love anyone again, i dont want to be loved by anyone ever again... we knew eachother since we were babies... they are the only memories ive been able to hold on to, everything else gets washed away and forgotten about... it's so hard to focus on anything...
i keep failing my attempts... thankfully no one has ever found me, and i just woke up the next morning and went back to life as usual without anyone knowing... but i know its having effects on me... i feel stupider and stupider by the day.... I'm really tired of this, I dont know why I'm trapped here to suffer with these constant thoughts of self hatred and self harm. i wish i was taken instead of him, he had such a bright future ahead of him and all i wanted to do was follow him in his shadows... now im left here alone, trying to find my way in a world i never wanted to exist in... i have no friends... my family ignores me... im so alone.... i have my cat, i guess... but i regret getting her too because i know i will end up committing suicide before she passes, and i dont know what will happen to her after that... the guilt is so fucking bad, but it's worse this time of year, when it comes close to the anniversary of his death....
not really looking for advice... idk why im even writing this... every year keeps getting worse and worse and i just need to fucking die. nothing eases my pain, not even drugs anymore