I have some friends but I can't get too close to them or ask them for the kind of attention I actually need or I'll have no friends. I can't talk about how isolated I feel when certain parts of me or my interests are painted as disgusting or awful by a couple of them without feeling like I'll lose the whole support group and my closest friend doesn't see me as his closest: he's surrounded by people and also his job is draining him dry, I could never take priority even if it were killing me.
I can't let my siblings know how bad it is because they're dealing with worse. Chronic illness, abuse and neglect. I can't add more onto that, one of our cats just died, one who was part of our family for over a decade.
So I'm just sitting here. Going to support groups, hoping someone will accept me enough to let me live the life I was tricked into staying in and now I'm stuck living it until everyone else's lives get better. Getting told I'm not trying hard enough to get out of my situation might prove lethal soon, I do have an easy way out now, maybe. It gets harder and harder to leave the powder in the drawer, I'm trying not to open it until I need it. It'd be easier if I were actively employed, maybe.