Funny that I come across this when the loneliness kicks in. I feel old but I know I'm young yet it doesn't feel that way, I feel a lot older than I am. 19 and I'm still alone, wasted my best years doing a bunch of nothing. Let anxiety rule my youth, let myself become a truant because I hated when people looked at me. I hate feeling their eyes on me. Two years ago I thought this loneliness was a lack of love-type of relationship but honestly I don't know. I don't care too much for falling in love with someone and seeing where it leads. Love is something I view to be dangerous, there are a lot of times where I wish I could experience that love again.
Mmm, yep, not having regular in person contacts does feel isolating sometimes.
I also see the risks in love, and have no idea whether the effort (for me) would be worth the result or not.
The love I held for family and friends is something I wish to feel again. i just wish I didn't feel so isolated from them but I know if I tell them how I feel they wouldn't really get it, they have people to call friends, they have support networks. I don't got friends anymore besides my online ones who I play games with. I don't got any real support, I can barely support myself. I'm aware of how contradictory I can be, I hated people looking at me yet I was willing to let them have their way with me just to feel noticed by somebody.
I also spend more time with online friends than in person friends,
There's one fling that's stuck in my head on occasions, he was gentle most times and he often held me close after we were done. It confused me so much...yet I liked that warmth. Nothing ever came from it but it's just a memory that confuses me. Sorry for the long shtick. I'm just tired and want to chat I suppose? I barely speak with my sister's or mom anymore, my mom's even told my sister that I don't got much of a presence even when I'm out there interacting with them. Probably wasn't for my ears but it's kind of comforting. I'd rather know how my mom views me than left thinking she cares about me like how she cares for the others. I should sleep... I hope y'all all get some good rest, I should get mine too.
...and have memories of some friends in the past, would be nice to reconnect to whoever is willing to connect.
Good night, and dw, the message wasn't too long.
