Venting Lockdown Hell

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Hey everyone... I hope I don't annoy people with my posts, please tell me if I do.

I live in the UK and so we are in lockdown and not allowed to leave the house until they say we can because of the coronavirus. It's making me feel real bad, my depression is plummeting more. I am trying to get hold of SN but it's failing as my anxiety about police coming over takes over, I just want my life to end now. This lockdown is killing me. I haven't seen anyone in two weeks and stuck at home with a toxic family who I don't get along with. I just stay in my room drinking and taking a cocktail of drugs, though right now I failed as I only got to 4 drugs and vomited. I'm so pathetic, I had an impulse to drink cough mixture but couldn't get the safety cap off because of how stupid I am.

I've tried everything, I've tried reaching out to my therapist, reaching out to the people who support me but no one cares about suicide and so I don't have an option anymore. I do currently have a list i'm following to get things done before I go. That's the honest truth, no one actually cares. I told my therapist I was planning to kill myself and she did nothing, I did that to test her and see what she would do. Sometimes I dream that someone will be able to help me but they never do. I just can't see a way out. Everyone will be better off without me as i'm burden to everyone and i'll do everyone a favor. I just need the pain and loneliness to end. I can't stay in my room for months for a lockdown with my thoughts, not see anyone in person and be trapped with my family. I just miss seeing people. I have nothing to do either as I don't work due to having support for my autism but that's cancelled at the moment. Even though I'm autistic, I am perfectly capable of thinking for myself. I feel like I'm cursed, everything I try to do to help to improve my life just goes to sh*t.

I'm hoping to take SN with my antiemetic and antacid (If I can get hold of them) I have written my notes and getting my will done. I will send a delayed text to 999 to say to enter my room and take my body (which is possible as 999 has a texting service for people who are either deaf or unable to communicate, so for me i'm autistic)

I was hoping to finish the book I'm writing before I go but I'm struggling to last that long. My thinking is, if my bestfriend can kill himself and leave his 5 kids and partner behind then I can leave the world behind and reunite with him.

But tonight I will chill with Lil Peep as he makes me feel so much better. I'll see what hell tomorrow brings me.

 

[Iloveyouall]

Oh man, I feel so sorry for what you're experiencing. This lockdown is getting on the nerves of everyone but I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you. I know it's really hard to cope with boredom and loneliness but please be careful with drugs and alcohol, be careful with yourself. I feel dumb saying that as I drink way too much too but still.
I can't believe your therapist did nothing when you told her you were going to commit suicide, that's horrible of her. I'm so sorry that your family is not helping you either and that they are toxic. I feel sorry too for the loss of your bestfriend, I can't imagine how I would feel as I don't feel I ever had a bestfriend.
What is your book about ? How much did you already write ?
I'm glad that at least music can help you to cope with reality.

 

[faust]

Sorry, this post is very sad...
I can feel the pain in your words because loneliness may be the last thing you need right now...
And I see you are anxious about police so I made this meme, do not know if you will like my humor but anyway, I will try!

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

What would you want your therapist or the people to whom you reached out do to help you?

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

Oh man, I feel so sorry for what you're experiencing. This lockdown is getting on the nerves of everyone but I can't imagine how much harder it must be for you. I know it's really hard to cope with boredom and loneliness but please be careful with drugs and alcohol, be careful with yourself. I feel dumb saying that as I drink way too much too but still.
I can't believe your therapist did nothing when you told her you were going to commit suicide, that's horrible of her. I'm so sorry that your family is not helping you either and that they are toxic. I feel sorry too for the loss of your bestfriend, I can't imagine how I would feel as I don't feel I ever had a bestfriend.
What is your book about ? How much did you already write ?
I'm glad that at least music can help you to cope with reality.

My book is about life as an autistic adult and how society makes me feel like I have to mask my difficulties to fit in. I am close to finishing it. About another 15 thousand words. I am already at 55 thousand. Thanks for being so compassionate. I don't see that often.

Sorry, this post is very sad...
I can feel the pain in your words because loneliness may be the last thing you need right now...
And I see you are anxious about police so I made this meme, do not know if you will like my humor but anyway, I will try!
View attachment 30414

HAHAHAHAHA That is my type of humour!

What would you want your therapist or the people to whom you reached out do to help you?

I guess just firstly validate what every I'm feeling and say that they can see that I'm hurting and that they are there to guide me through it. To let me vent without consequences. I guess just do what My best friend used to do. Just tell me that they acknowledge what is going on and give me advice on what to do.

 

[faust]

My book is about life as an autistic adult and how society makes me feel like I have to mask my difficulties to fit in. I am close to finishing it. About another 15 thousand words. I am already at 55 thousand. Thanks for being so compassionate. I don't see that often.

HAHAHAHAHA That is my type of humour!

I guess just firstly validate what every I'm feeling and say that they can see that I'm hurting and that they are there to guide me through it. To let me vent without consequences. I guess just do what My best friend used to do. Just tell me that they acknowledge what is going on and give me advice on what to do.

A few threads ago I mentioned that I was writing a book too. Though do not know how I will finish it now, haven't been working on it for a few months now... It may allow me to show the full spectrum of feelings, but it is a huge amount of work yet.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

A few threads ago I mentioned that I was writing a book too. Though do not know how I will finish it now, haven't been working on it for a few months now... It may allow me to show the full spectrum of feelings, but it is a huge amount of work yet.

That's great that you even tried though! It take dedication to be even able to start thinking about a book. I would say have a look at it and see what you have written so far, you might surprise yourself!

 

[faust]

That's great that you even tried though! It take dedication to be even able to start thinking about a book. I would say have a look at it and see what you have written so far, you might surprise yourself!

I find it very hard to read now, I often even reread threads what to say about a book with 200 pages which is half-written...

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I find it very hard to read now, I often even reread threads what to say about a book with 200 pages which is half-written...

I guess it would depend if you still have a passion for writing books, if you do then you could start a new one and incorporate your previous ideas into this book but if you don;t then I would just leave it for a while and come back to it. Whatever the case may be, it's good that you started to write a book.

 

[SuicideDJ]

Sorry, this post is very sad...
I can feel the pain in your words because loneliness may be the last thing you need right now...
And I see you are anxious about police so I made this meme, do not know if you will like my humor but anyway, I will try!
View attachment 30414

Love this photo
I too live in England and am alone in the house on Lockdown with high functioning ASD.
Finding it hard at the moment with the loneliness.
Feel free to contact me on here any time

 

[Iloveyouall]

I wish I could do better than just being compassionate. I'm sorry I never manage to give myself a representation of how much words an actual book contain but I understand that you're pretty close from finishing it. I feel it's really important to testify about our experience with life. If everyone did that, mankind could learn a lot about itself and a lot of things might change. It's not easy to write a book as it is a lot of work but even a short testimony on every one's experience might be very useful and interesting. I wish you to finish your book.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

I guess just firstly validate what every I'm feeling and say that they can see that I'm hurting and that they are there to guide me through it. To let me vent without consequences. I guess just do what My best friend used to do. Just tell me that they acknowledge what is going on and give me advice on what to do.

Do you feel they are safe and trustworthy enough to ask them to do that?

 

[faust]

I guess it would depend if you still have a passion for writing books, if you do then you could start a new one and incorporate your previous ideas into this book but if you don;t then I would just leave it for a while and come back to it. Whatever the case may be, it's good that you started to write a book.

My time is limited. If I write the new book, it means I won't have time to be there and I may simply go insane. What is the point in trying my best and doing something without a clear purpose. 200 pages maybe equivalent to 14-28 days of writing, 7-14 days of editing, 14-28 days of translating and then 7-14 editing what is translated. This is in the case if I work at least 6-7 hours a day. If it is 3 hours, then we may double up all the days. I don't have so much time.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

My time is limited. If I write the new book, it means I won't have time to be there and I may simply go insane. What is the point in trying my best and doing something without a clear purpose. 200 pages maybe equivalent to 14-28 days of writing, 7-14 days of editing, 14-28 days of translating and then 7-14 editing what is translated. This is in the case if I work at least 6-7 hours a day. If it is 3 hours, then we may double up all the days. I don't have so much time.

I totally understand how you feel and that's ok. I wish you the best with whatever you decide.

Do you feel they are safe and trustworthy enough to ask them to do that?

I really trust my therapist but I just feel stuck with her, I don't know how else to approach this subject with her. If I die then they can see my pain and the maybe they will acknowledge it. I'm currently editing my suicide notes.

 

[NotMeantForHere]

Hey everyone... I hope I don't annoy people with my posts, please tell me if I do.

I live in the UK and so we are in lockdown and not allowed to leave the house until they say we can because of the coronavirus. It's making me feel real bad, my depression is plummeting more. I am trying to get hold of SN but it's failing as my anxiety about police coming over takes over, I just want my life to end now. This lockdown is killing me. I haven't seen anyone in two weeks and stuck at home with a toxic family who I don't get along with. I just stay in my room drinking and taking a cocktail of drugs, though right now I failed as I only got to 4 drugs and vomited. I'm so pathetic, I had an impulse to drink cough mixture but couldn't get the safety cap off because of how stupid I am.

I've tried everything, I've tried reaching out to my therapist, reaching out to the people who support me but no one cares about suicide and so I don't have an option anymore. I do currently have a list i'm following to get things done before I go. That's the honest truth, no one actually cares. I told my therapist I was planning to kill myself and she did nothing, I did that to test her and see what she would do. Sometimes I dream that someone will be able to help me but they never do. I just can't see a way out. Everyone will be better off without me as i'm burden to everyone and i'll do everyone a favor. I just need the pain and loneliness to end. I can't stay in my room for months for a lockdown with my thoughts, not see anyone in person and be trapped with my family. I just miss seeing people. I have nothing to do either as I don't work due to having support for my autism but that's cancelled at the moment. Even though I'm autistic, I am perfectly capable of thinking for myself. I feel like I'm cursed, everything I try to do to help to improve my life just goes to sh*t.

I'm hoping to take SN with my antiemetic and antacid (If I can get hold of them) I have written my notes and getting my will done. I will send a delayed text to 999 to say to enter my room and take my body (which is possible as 999 has a texting service for people who are either deaf or unable to communicate, so for me i'm autistic)

I was hoping to finish the book I'm writing before I go but I'm struggling to last that long. My thinking is, if my bestfriend can kill himself and leave his 5 kids and partner behind then I can leave the world behind and reunite with him.

But tonight I will chill with Lil Peep as he makes me feel so much better. I'll see what hell tomorrow brings me.

Friend, I'm so sorry to hear this. You can PM me anytime if you want!

 

[Kumachan]

Economy, virus, stupidity, bad decisions, bad luck, aging, accidents, boredom, regret, hopelessness... I hate this place. And good things are there only to be taken away...

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I'm sorry to hear you are suffering so. It must be so tough locked away like that for you. I'm isolated too and they tell me I'm autistic, though at 47 I've lived with it fine all my life, so I've told them to fuck off. I'm okay in isolation, I'm used to it, but I can see how it will be getting to you.
And writing a book is hard, I've tried it, even if you are good at writing there's so much craft to it and getting a good editor really helps too. Kudos to you for making that effort.
It would be so good if you could talk to your therapist about things. I understand that you just want someone to listen, even if they do nothing? There's going to be so many people fall through the cracks in this new world. But you know FWIW people on here will listen to you and probably understand more too.

 

[ManWithNoName]

Hey everyone... I hope I don't annoy people with my posts, please tell me if I do.

I live in the UK and so we are in lockdown and not allowed to leave the house until they say we can because of the coronavirus. It's making me feel real bad, my depression is plummeting more. I am trying to get hold of SN but it's failing as my anxiety about police coming over takes over, I just want my life to end now. This lockdown is killing me. I haven't seen anyone in two weeks and stuck at home with a toxic family who I don't get along with. I just stay in my room drinking and taking a cocktail of drugs, though right now I failed as I only got to 4 drugs and vomited. I'm so pathetic, I had an impulse to drink cough mixture but couldn't get the safety cap off because of how stupid I am.

I've tried everything, I've tried reaching out to my therapist, reaching out to the people who support me but no one cares about suicide and so I don't have an option anymore. I do currently have a list i'm following to get things done before I go. That's the honest truth, no one actually cares. I told my therapist I was planning to kill myself and she did nothing, I did that to test her and see what she would do. Sometimes I dream that someone will be able to help me but they never do. I just can't see a way out. Everyone will be better off without me as i'm burden to everyone and i'll do everyone a favor. I just need the pain and loneliness to end. I can't stay in my room for months for a lockdown with my thoughts, not see anyone in person and be trapped with my family. I just miss seeing people. I have nothing to do either as I don't work due to having support for my autism but that's cancelled at the moment. Even though I'm autistic, I am perfectly capable of thinking for myself. I feel like I'm cursed, everything I try to do to help to improve my life just goes to sh*t.

I'm hoping to take SN with my antiemetic and antacid (If I can get hold of them) I have written my notes and getting my will done. I will send a delayed text to 999 to say to enter my room and take my body (which is possible as 999 has a texting service for people who are either deaf or unable to communicate, so for me i'm autistic)

I was hoping to finish the book I'm writing before I go but I'm struggling to last that long. My thinking is, if my bestfriend can kill himself and leave his 5 kids and partner behind then I can leave the world behind and reunite with him.

But tonight I will chill with Lil Peep as he makes me feel so much better. I'll see what hell tomorrow brings me.

No doubt the current circumstance is not helping, but IMHO nobody should ctb without having a clear head, and this damned lock down is not helping at all.

Please work on your book. Are you published? Do you self publish via Amazon? If not please consider doing so.

And indeed this is a rather uncaring world, so please do not feel that you have been singled out as someone people should avoid.

Just hang in there for the time being, man. The USA is scheduled to get back to normalcy on April 12, and supposedly the EU in May. But the EU might follow the States and resume before May because everyone across the board wants to get on with their lives.

What's your book about, if I may ask? Fiction? Non-fiction? You do not have to answer if you feel it might be too revealing or comprise your anonymity.

My book is about life as an autistic adult and how society makes me feel like I have to mask my difficulties to fit in. I am close to finishing it. About another 15 thousand words.

Sounds like a book that will be quite helpful and useful—I'm not just saying that. Take advantage of this lockdown bullshit to continue writing.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

No doubt the current circumstance is not helping, but IMHO nobody should ctb without having a clear head, and this damned lock down is not helping at all.

Please work on your book. Are you published? Do you self publish via Amazon? If not please consider doing so.

And indeed this is a rather uncaring world, so please do not feel that you have been singled out as someone people should avoid.

Just hang in there for the time being, man. The USA is scheduled to get back to normalcy on April 12, and supposedly the EU in May. But the EU might follow the States and resume before May because everyone across the board wants to get on with their lives.

What's your book about, if I may ask? Fiction? Non-fiction? You do not have to answer if you feel it might be too revealing or comprise your anonymity.

Sounds like a book that will be quite helpful and useful—I'm not just saying that. Take advantage of this lockdown bullshit to continue writing.

I have an editor and an illustrator and they working on my first part of my book whilst I finish it. The UK doesn't have an end date yet so it feels never ending.
To be honest does anyone who CTB have a clear mind?

 

[Deleted member 1465]

To be honest does anyone who CTB have a clear mind?

That's a good question! Many claim to, at least approaching the act, but who knows? It is an act of desperation after all. There are those who would claim we are all mad and shouldn't be allowed such a choice. And there are those that might say that suicidal people are just being realistic and are the only ones who actually have a clear mind. Sorry, I realise it was a rhetorical question

It strikes me that this is a good time to be writing a book.

 

[Antibody246]

I have an editor and an illustrator and they working on my first part of my book whilst I finish it. The UK doesn't have an end date yet so it feels never ending.
To be honest does anyone who CTB have a clear mind?

I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm in a similiar situation. I am interesting in your book. could you send me a piece of first chapter to read? :d

 

[Iloveyouall]

It strikes me that this is a good time to be writing a book.

I guess it's a good time to do or try any "artistic" thing as we don't have anything better to do.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I guess it's a good time to do or try any "artistic" thing as we don't have anything better to do.

LOL yes! I enjoy writing. Writing for the newspaper was fun as i got to do fun stuff, like travel pieces. But trying to write a book is tough, especially fiction. Bogged down in grammar and suddenly you realise how hard it is to do dialogue properly and make it convincing. I can't make myself re-start it.

I used to paint oil colours too, but all my supplies are in a loft 200 miles away. And my new (crappy) place has nowhere I could paint.

 

[Iloveyouall]

LOL yes! I enjoy writing. Writing for the newspaper was fun as i got to do fun stuff, like travel pieces. But trying to write a book is tough, especially fiction. Bogged down in grammar and suddenly you realise how hard it is to do dialogue properly and make it convincing. I can't make myself re-start it.

I used to paint oil colours too, but all my supplies are in a loft 200 miles away. And my new (crappy) place has nowhere I could paint.

I don't know much about writing, I guess dialogues get easier to write as your characters get more consistency, I don't know. What is your fiction about ? If you don't mind talking about it.

It sucks when you don't have gear. Maybe you can just do sketches and draw, it's not the same thing but at least it doesn't require much gear.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I kinda wrote the book in my head when I was going through a very bad phase. The characters, plot and set pieces dialogues plus some action. It was a a surreal urban fantasy, about a town cut off from the outside with some very odd characters, all of them broken in some way. Like a gambler who was the most charming man alive as long as he kept a small amount of alcohol in his system permanently, but completely sober he turned into an uncaring sociopath. Characters were the easy part for me. It was dialogue and action that I found hard.

 

[Darkhaven]

We have been in lockdown and quanrantine for the past 13 days, and will continually to do so at least untill 16th April, perhaps even longer.
Doesn't bother me one bit. In this 2 weeks that passed i only left the once twice to go take the trash to the bin and that's it.
Didn't change much in my lifestyle, i already spent most of my time locked away on my bedroom so it's just more of the same, just on a bigger dose. What bothers me is having both my grandparents and my mentally disabled aunt here in the house with us. They can be very demanding at times.

 

[Sad_Autistic_boy_101]

I'm sorry for your troubles. I'm in a similiar situation. I am interesting in your book. could you send me a piece of first chapter to read? :d

I'll have a think about it and get back to you

 

[ManWithNoName]

I have an editor and an illustrator and they working on my first part of my book whilst I finish it. The UK doesn't have an end date yet so it feels never ending.
To be honest does anyone who CTB have a clear mind?

The States resumes normalcy on April 12, Suspect the UK will probably be around the same time.

Yes I think it's possible to have a clear mind and want to cbt, but this is why pursuit of recovery is important—don't leave any rock uncovered, and look into every means possible to get well. A lockdown is not a healthy condition, so it is normal not to feel right. Serious decisions should be made under normal circumstances.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Serious decisions should be made under normal circumstances.

Yes, That's the key thing. Anything else is a decision made under duress. I've never made a good decision like that in my life.

 

[UpandDownPrincess]

Retired librarian here. If you are looking for an editor, please PM me.