Hello everyone,
I wanted to hear your opinions, thoughts, and the like, in my feelings of the last few days.
I have come to accept that my demise will arrive soon. This means in perhaps a few days, weeks, or months as much, but it will most certainly be soon.
I believe it will be by my own hand, I would hope it is from SN, but as I am concerned if it may be ineffective, I may end up jumping. I live in a 21st floor apartment, my balcony is all covered by a net made of rope to ensure pigeons can't come in, but I can easily take it off, then it'll be a lil bit messy to climb the iron fence but... well we will see.
I have shared my situation that by now I am fine! rather cozy at my apartment, still having a job, with food. But I have also shared my apocalyptic visions of the future and that I will CTB before enduring the horrors that I believe the future holds for me.
So for now, with the certainty that I will soon face my demise, I am living one day at a time. Enjoying from playing videogames and watching youtube videos. Talking with people, some very fascinating people, who see or hear things. I talk with them about it, such fascinating conversations, and may even try help them if their visions are mean with them. I believe I did help, and this also makes me feel better.
I don't know... how I achieved this peace of mind. Truly living one day at a time. At this point I think what I fear the most is loosing this harmony. I think it's inevitable... I am certain when the things I believe will happen, happen, and they push me over the edge, I won't die with a peaceful mind thinking everything is fine. If I was so peaceful I would most certainly not CTB.
So... what is this? why have I all of a sudden been able to reach this peace of mind, specially as my mind is convinced in such horrible thoughts? instead of such thoughts disstressing me... they sooth me, the certainty of horrors ahead of me are more soothing than terrifying at this point.
I don't know why am I sharing all this. Sometimes I think it is hoping some of you may contradict me, telling me I am exaggerating. Or perhaps to find others who have also found this same peace, and can teach me more about why am I able to keep such peace in this point.
Last but not least, in other posts I have started writing this, and now I wanna share it again: If any of you is planning to CTB, and would like to talk with someone, it would be a pleasure. Perhaps talk to me about your hobbies and geeks, your passions or qwirks, anything that may help you wind down as you wait for the moment you decide to go for it. I think I find it soothing to hear of others taking the decision, as it reminds me that is a decision I can still take, when things might, and I think will, become an intolerable nightmare. And altrough I haven't had much of a chance to talk with anyone who has decided to CTB, seeing the posts of those who have decided that and how relieved and happy they sound fills my soul with joy, to know that's how those last moment feel, not scary or sad, but relieved. And I would like to be part of that expierence for someone else. To accompany someone on their last moments and to give them as little peace and joy as I can before they decide to end it all.
Anyways, thank you guys for making this community what it is. We will see all togheter in the other side, when our time comes, from our hand, or Destiny's.
I wanted to hear your opinions, thoughts, and the like, in my feelings of the last few days.
I have come to accept that my demise will arrive soon. This means in perhaps a few days, weeks, or months as much, but it will most certainly be soon.
I believe it will be by my own hand, I would hope it is from SN, but as I am concerned if it may be ineffective, I may end up jumping. I live in a 21st floor apartment, my balcony is all covered by a net made of rope to ensure pigeons can't come in, but I can easily take it off, then it'll be a lil bit messy to climb the iron fence but... well we will see.
I have shared my situation that by now I am fine! rather cozy at my apartment, still having a job, with food. But I have also shared my apocalyptic visions of the future and that I will CTB before enduring the horrors that I believe the future holds for me.
So for now, with the certainty that I will soon face my demise, I am living one day at a time. Enjoying from playing videogames and watching youtube videos. Talking with people, some very fascinating people, who see or hear things. I talk with them about it, such fascinating conversations, and may even try help them if their visions are mean with them. I believe I did help, and this also makes me feel better.
I don't know... how I achieved this peace of mind. Truly living one day at a time. At this point I think what I fear the most is loosing this harmony. I think it's inevitable... I am certain when the things I believe will happen, happen, and they push me over the edge, I won't die with a peaceful mind thinking everything is fine. If I was so peaceful I would most certainly not CTB.
So... what is this? why have I all of a sudden been able to reach this peace of mind, specially as my mind is convinced in such horrible thoughts? instead of such thoughts disstressing me... they sooth me, the certainty of horrors ahead of me are more soothing than terrifying at this point.
I don't know why am I sharing all this. Sometimes I think it is hoping some of you may contradict me, telling me I am exaggerating. Or perhaps to find others who have also found this same peace, and can teach me more about why am I able to keep such peace in this point.
Last but not least, in other posts I have started writing this, and now I wanna share it again: If any of you is planning to CTB, and would like to talk with someone, it would be a pleasure. Perhaps talk to me about your hobbies and geeks, your passions or qwirks, anything that may help you wind down as you wait for the moment you decide to go for it. I think I find it soothing to hear of others taking the decision, as it reminds me that is a decision I can still take, when things might, and I think will, become an intolerable nightmare. And altrough I haven't had much of a chance to talk with anyone who has decided to CTB, seeing the posts of those who have decided that and how relieved and happy they sound fills my soul with joy, to know that's how those last moment feel, not scary or sad, but relieved. And I would like to be part of that expierence for someone else. To accompany someone on their last moments and to give them as little peace and joy as I can before they decide to end it all.
Anyways, thank you guys for making this community what it is. We will see all togheter in the other side, when our time comes, from our hand, or Destiny's.
