living for her, cbt when shes gone

[Vanny.exe]

Growing up with mental illness is hard. Attempt after attempt as a teenager, making a promise I don't think people are taking seriously is even harder.
My grandmother saved me from my bio mom. I'm 22 now and made a promise after one of my failed attempts as a teenager I'd stick around for her, but I'd be joining her when she leaves. Being shamed by therapists "dont you think shed want you to grow old?" maybe, but its not about what shed think. she's still here. I know many people in this forum are sticking around because of family but want to do it. I'm the same way. Everyday I wake up and see her. She's my rock and my guidence. I love her so much. She shaved me. No one would be able to save me after shes gone.

a childhood of being SA'd, only to be taken in by my grandma, saved by her. I can't live without her. She's not gone yet, but alas, w all know the pain of wondering if someone older will pass at any moment. I'm just sick of feeling guilty for this promise i made at 17. I've kept it so far. I'm getting the "help". But after a BPD diagnosis last year, and things going bad slowly with my grandma's health. I need to get prepared. I think about CBT every day, at least twice. About how I could do it; but then I remember the promise. "I won't go until you do."

i guess I'm just looking for emotional support by people who may understand why I want to carry out this promise I made. She saved me. She's been the only person whos never abandoned me. And now she's older.. I don't want to live without the one person whos ever loved me.

 

[jodes2]

Well done for getting this far

 

[FuneralCry]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's undeniably such a cruel world that we exist in, but of course it's very much understandable deciding to wait. I wish you the best.

 

[Vanny.exe]

It really sounds like you've suffered a lot, it's undeniably such a cruel world that we exist in, but of course it's very much understandable deciding to wait. I wish you the best.

thank you; if immortality was truely a thing in a human form, id stay forever, if she'd stay forever. She's my everything, and I will wait, and be as healthy as I can be until she sleeps forever, and I will join her short after. I knew people here would understand. Thank you for the comfort.

 

[stoopid]

Have someone like that is an insane gift and the most respectable way to go is in honor to that person, you're like an warrior with ice cold principles that is so rare these days, I would be so happy from my heart if someone would be like that to me. You're so strong that you made it this far, your choice is the one that matters. Leaving this cruel and disturbing world in honor to someone, im kinda speechless.

 

[Vanny.exe]

Have someone like that is an insane gift and the most respectable way to go is in honor to that person, you're like an warrior with ice cold principles that is so rare these days, I would be so happy from my heart if someone would be like that to me. You're so strong that you made it this far, your choice is the one that matters. Leaving this cruel and disturbing world in honor to someone, im kinda speechless.

A lot of people seem to hate their family, and no shame to them if thats their story. My grandmother saved me before, walked in on me and gave me chest compressions. She's the reason I'm alive because I want her to think im okay and not suicidal. she does not deserve to bury her granddaughter. That's why I'm waiting. I don't want to die, but I dont want to live without her, and who knows. Maybe when she sleeps, I'll be better, and never do it. But it's in the back of my head, and I need a place like this to talk about it before I go insane from doctors and friends telling me "She wouldn't want that."

I'm not going to say its set in stone. Life happens, life sometimes gets better. But if she were to pass tomorrow for whatever reason, i'd do it.

thanks for the kind words. My grandma deserves the world.

 

[ranaway]

Best wishes for you and your grandmother things will get better.

 

[Hotsackage]

im around for my parents. after that i cant make guarantees

 

[listless]

i wish i could say something to make it easier, but all i can say is that youre not alone feeling like that. i have a couple reasons for staying, but if/when they are gone from my life, my only relief is knowing ill be free then.

 

[Caoine01]

Thank you for letting us share your thoughts. You will surely find many good souls here with whom you can continue to exchange ideas. I wish you all the best on your ways.