Help Livestream/request

[lixiane]

It caused me to lose everyone around me, but other than my children, I don't care what anyone else believes. I appreciate that though.

That's a good mindset to have. Of course

 

[TheLastGreySky]

That's a good mindset to have. Of course

Probably 95% of people on here are only here because they love everyone with all their hearts.. but they don't love themselves.

I've been there. You should let me know what you're going through, what's your story?

 

[CatLvr]

It caused me to lose everyone around me, but other than my children, I don't care what anyone else believes. I appreciate that though.

This happened to me. I naively thought my children would come to realize that what they had been told about me was not true and that they would come to realize, as adults, that they were my life and everything I did was for them. That did not happen. I have tried to rekindle relationships but they have each made it clear they are not interested. I don't know. Maybe I was a horrible parent. But I know better than that and it is much more likely that I just trusted the wrong people (family) to do the right thing. I was such a fool.

One of the many reason I am now here, constantly contemplating whether I should stay here or I should go.

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

Why don't you call every soldier who's ever fought and killed for their country a psychopath? America and the UK are two of the most powerful Nations on the face of the planet, and yet they jump into the Middle East to make a profit. Do you know what happens when a bunch of kids surround Humvees or try to block it? They get mowed down as presumed suicide bombers or as traps.
Everyone has their role to play in life regardless of their mental wiring or their personal interests.
We are mere pawns for those in power.
For sociopaths it seems that life makes sense only when they take the wheel and put themselves in positions of power. That self-awareness becomes a crown on their head, and though I do not condone any sort of toxicity or abuse, such topics are always gray and never black and white.

I don't judge anyone based on their mental wiring or their past experiences. Why I would film myself CTB and share it would be for a myriad of different reasons.That may be the only way a lot of you ever know who I am. And as personal as that may be to essentially dismantle myself live in front of an audience of total strangers, if it inspires one person to choose life because their situation isn't as bad as mine, then it's a well worth investment. And if it brings peace to one single person who decides to CTB by making them feel like they're not alone in this... Then that's just as important.

I am a highly sensitive person. There are some tiny things that upset me like the way people change their tone or their texting ever so slightly. And that's what makes me dangerous. Because as sensitive as I am... I can be completely oblivious to the sufferings or the discomfort of the people around me if I am not consciously considering them. I have single-handedly derailed my own life out of my arrogance and my unwillingness to face my emotions. I built a wall and when it came crashing down it hurt all the people that I loved, and now I have to face that fucking bitch - that fucking bastard - every single time I look in the mirror. And the worst part is,
There are things that I am legitimately innocent in.
But it's the word of a monster versus the word of a master manipulator. And in that regard for no longer having the evil in me to burn everything down at all costs to get my children home,
I have failed my children.

I am literally on my hands and my knees asking for the help from a God that although I believe in and have reason to believe without a doubt that he exists... In my arrogance and in my youth I have not only spit on him and his holy name, as well as his son and my Lord and Savior,
but I have denied him out of spite and out of senselessness.
The only one that can help me is someone that a lot of you don't believe in and frankly, I don't blame any of you for that. I had one "undeniable" spiritual event in my life that's really worthwhile that I can count as a testimony and I ran from it.
I basically saw something that people beg for for their entire lives, and flipped my Creator off and walked away out of fear of what that type of life might entail. And now I'm begging him, and I'm hoping that at least brings him some Glory that he might perform a miracle for me and for my family.

So whether you look at this with an open mind,
Or you see this as a delusion that helps me cope,
It's pretty clear I need a miracle or maybe even a few, and the variables exist.
But how do you gamble with your life without dozens of sleepless nights? I think we get to a point where we're all here, and that's why I want to film myself if I CTB.

To me this is the waiting room between growing as a person or choosing to quit.

I'm so sorry for the late reply! I literally deleted my cookies and stopped receiving notifications. And even more sorry for what you have to deal with. I know it's hard, but I have one thing to say. They say that internet never forgets. I don't know how old your children are but, when they grow old enough to use the internet, they might end up seeing the recorded video of your CBT, and I think that would be as traumatizing as hell. You need to consider that. Hope everything gets better for you.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I'm so sorry for the late reply! I literally deleted my cookies and stopped receiving notifications. And even more sorry for what you have to deal with. I know it's hard, but I have one thing to say. They say that internet never forgets. I don't know how old your children are but, when they grow old enough to use the internet, they might end up seeing the recorded video of your CBT, and I think that would be as traumatizing as hell. You need to consider that. Hope everything gets better for you.

I really do appreciate that you let me know that because I wasn't thinking about that.

I had intended to leave goodbye videos for them on Facebook and send them to my mom and sister in the hopes that it would eventually get to them.

I think I would have to do the live stream anonymously then.

 

[DontTouchMeImFamous]

I really do appreciate that you let me know that because I wasn't thinking about that.

I had intended to leave goodbye videos for them on Facebook and send them to my mom and sister in the hopes that it would eventually get to them.

I think I would have to do the live stream anonymously then.

Sending you love and hugs. You really deserve to be happy. No matter what you choose, I really hope you find eternal peace and happiness, here or in the next life. You're not alone

 

[req9619]

if you dont mind, i can be the one to record it. No problem.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

if you dont mind, i can be the one to record it. No problem.

You're not going to add any sound effects are you? *Boy-yoi-yoing!!!* I don't want to see no computer generated support characters like R2-D2 either.

 

[req9619]

You're not going to add any sound effects are you? *Boy-yoi-yoing!!!* I don't want to see no computer generated support characters like R2-D2 either.

Im not that type of guy who edits videos, i can just record , no need for other bullshit

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Im not that type of guy who edits videos, i can just record , no need for other bullshit

I would be okay with a laugh track being edited in, or maybe the Seinfeld outro jingle. That's about it

 

[req9619]

I would be okay with a laugh track being edited in, or maybe the Seinfeld outro jingle. That's about it

nobody dying deserves to be laughed at, if u really want something in the video sure.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

nobody dying deserves to be laughed at, if u really want something in the video sure.

I do sincerely appreciate that you said that. I have just been disenchanted with life for a long time.
I've been spit on and I've been kicked, and every time I check someone I get treated like the wolf.
I've been to prison merely because I chose to be a good father.

After all I endured I'm sure my ex-wife at the very least will call me weak just so she can feel better than me. I apologize if I make anyone uncomfortable with this self-deprecating humor.
I'm just praying for miracles and feeling like a fool.

 

[req9619]

Whens ur time to cbt ?,

I do sincerely appreciate that you said that. I have just been disenchanted with life for a long time.
I've been spit on and I've been kicked, and every time I check someone I get treated like the wolf.
I've been to prison merely because I chose to be a good father.

After all I endured I'm sure my ex-wife at the very least will call me weak just so she can feel better than me. I apologize if I make anyone uncomfortable with this self-deprecating humor.
I'm just praying for miracles and feeling like a fool.

When is ur time to CBT ?

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Whens ur time to cbt ?,

When is ur time to CBT ?

Between the 27th and the 31st most likely

 

[req9619]

Between the 27th and the 31st most likely

Oh okay, will u let me know then ? so i can come record

 

[0utsider.]

i want to film mine to! i might just do it on discord. sadly i have no one to record it. im also not sure how it would work, considering its in more on a public place and idk how to get a good angle to show it. message me if someone's interested tho! >_<

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Oh okay, will u let me know then ? so i can come record

i want to film mine to! i might just do it on discord. sadly i have no one to record it. im also not sure how it would work, considering its in more on a public place and idk how to get a good angle to show it. message me if someone's interested tho! >_<

haha what if we do a two-for-one special? We can hang on three... two... one. Lol I shouldn't joke about this sorry.

 

[req9619]

i want to film mine to! i might just do it on discord. sadly i have no one to record it. im also not sure how it would work, considering its in more on a public place and idk how to get a good angle to show it. message me if someone's interested tho! >_<

sure, i can.

 

[lixiane]

Probably 95% of people on here are only here because they love everyone with all their hearts.. but they don't love themselves.

I've been there. You should let me know what you're going through, what's your story?

Ah hi! Sorry for the late response. I've just struggled with isolation and bullying for my whole life, being hurt by people around me repeatedly, and was recently assaulted and betrayed by all of my friends, which led me to lock myself away from everybody which then led me to have no one around me anymore. I practically have nothing to live for anymore and suffer intense nightmares every night from everything i've been through, so I can't even find solace in my sleep. That's the watered down version of it all lmao.

 

[HangingBlossom]

I am not averse to filming myself committing suicide. If I'm going to hang myself in an aesthetic image, why only for myself and not to inspire others?

To be honest, I have no idea how to make sure that the clip actually ends up on the relevant portals.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

I am not averse to filming myself committing suicide. If I'm going to hang myself in an aesthetic image, why only for myself and not to inspire others?

To be honest, I have no idea how to make sure that the clip actually ends up on the relevant portals.

I know this might sound a little avant-garde but, I'd rather be a piece of art - even if it's an ugly corpse, and be like a lotus on display then to die in darkness.

Your concern about getting the clip where it needs to go is exactly why I made this post. You can't really just die and then hit send, or do you like Justin Bieber dead in Zoolander 2 and take a selfie first and then die. You need a friend with a strong stomach to film your last special moment.