Help Like a pendulum

[NotForThisWorld]

Is anyone else oscillating between death and hope?

I was intending on ctb this week of November. I've basically spent all of October 2019 really deciding if I really want to ctb. Made my mind up. Arranged everything. When I'm so close to executing it, for some fucked up reason my mind has this teeny little thing that feels I should give it another shot at life.

I am 27. I have crippling depression along with hallucinations. It is a contribution of trauma, horrific abuse and torture in the past. It has kind of like really fucked my life. I am unable to perform basic tasks every day like brushing teeth, cleaning the house, etc. I have quit jobs because I coudn't cope because of my condition. My mental capacity, memory and energy have drastically reduced. I feel like a shell of who I used to be. Especially at my age feeling this way feels like shit. I don't even feel my age. I feel terrible. I can only imagine that continuing this way would lead to further decline. My brain and body both feel reduced for a person who is just 27. I have been on medication and to therapy. Nothing really worked. They just had horrible side effects. I felt better to some degree but that was about it. I am back into that abyss spiralling down. This time it feels worse though. I haven't been so low ever in my entire life. It feels really terrible and it feels stupid to have hope.

There is no cure to this condition. You can just "manage symptoms". You will probably be on medication for the rest of your life just to "manage symptoms". I don't really want to live this way. What is the point of living this way?

Sometimes I feel like I'm too sensitive for this world. I'm an empath and an HSP. I am very intuitive and have had different spiritual practices. I feel like I feel everything 10x. Any altercation or if someone just said something bad or mean or even looked at/touched me in a wrong way would take me a long time to heal from. Or I don't know if this is an effect of trauma and abuse. I don't think I'm made for this world.

I don't know if I should go back on medication and try different treatments again and give it more time. I just don't want to fail again. I don't want to live with side effects. I don't want to live a half life where my functionality is reduced. I want to be normal again. I don't know if that's even possible. I'm at the same spot I was 3 years back. Or I wonder if this hope thing is just all useless.

I also come from a wealthy family and would have certain things to my name down the line, things that would take people a lifetime to achieve. I don't know if I'm throwing it all away by ctb. But then again what is the point of living this way when there is no cure for my condition?

I had dreams of starting my own family, having children, studying further and moving to a different country. But now I feel that they are just that, "dreams". I don't think any of that is possible given my current condition. I feel like I've just been living in a dream world.

 

[Alucard]

For my part, it's like a pendulum between pain and boredom... (as Schopenhauer said)

 

[khw777]

Is anyone else oscillating between death and hope?

I was intending on ctb this week of November. I've basically spent all of October 2019 really deciding if I really want to ctb. Made my mind up. Arranged everything. When I'm so close to executing it, for some fucked up reason my mind has this teeny little thing that feels I should give it another shot at life.

I am 27. I have crippling depression along with hallucinations. It is a contribution of trauma, horrific abuse and torture in the past. It has kind of like really fucked my life. I am unable to perform basic tasks every day like brushing teeth, cleaning the house, etc. I have quit jobs because I coudn't cope because of my condition. My mental capacity, memory and energy have drastically reduced. I feel like a shell of who I used to be. Especially at my age feeling this way feels like shit. I don't even feel my age. I feel terrible. I can only imagine that continuing this way would lead to further decline. My brain and body both feel reduced for a person who is just 27. I have been on medication and to therapy. Nothing really worked. They just had horrible side effects. I felt better to some degree but that was about it. I am back into that abyss spiralling down. This time it feels worse though. I haven't been so low ever in my entire life. It feels really terrible and it feels stupid to have hope.

There is no cure to this condition. You can just "manage symptoms". You will probably be on medication for the rest of your life just to "manage symptoms". I don't really want to live this way. What is the point of living this way?

Sometimes I feel like I'm too sensitive for this world. I'm an empath and an HSP. I am very intuitive and have had different spiritual practices. I feel like I feel everything 10x. Any altercation or if someone just said something bad or mean or even looked at/touched me in a wrong way would take me a long time to heal from. Or I don't know if this is an effect of trauma and abuse. I don't think I'm made for this world.

I don't know if I should go back on medication and try different treatments again and give it more time. I just don't want to fail again. I don't want to live with side effects. I don't want to live a half life where my functionality is reduced. I want to be normal again. I don't know if that's even possible. I'm at the same spot I was 3 years back. Or I wonder if this hope thing is just all useless.

I also come from a wealthy family and would have certain things to my name down the line, things that would take people a lifetime to achieve. I don't know if I'm throwing it all away by ctb. But then again what is the point of living this way when there is no cure for my condition?

I had dreams of starting my own family, having children, studying further and moving to a different country. But now I feel that they are just that, "dreams". I don't think any of that is possible given my current condition. I feel like I've just been living in a dream world.

What is your diagnosis. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. I cannot imagine what your pain. It difficult to have hope. I understand. I think about suicide every day and night. It's a constant struggle. I'm glad you didn't ctb and you have hope. I wish I could be more positive and encouraging.

 

[MeltingHeart]

Is anyone else oscillating between death and hope?

I was intending on ctb this week of November. I've basically spent all of October 2019 really deciding if I really want to ctb. Made my mind up. Arranged everything. When I'm so close to executing it, for some fucked up reason my mind has this teeny little thing that feels I should give it another shot at life.

I am 27. I have crippling depression along with hallucinations. It is a contribution of trauma, horrific abuse and torture in the past. It has kind of like really fucked my life. I am unable to perform basic tasks every day like brushing teeth, cleaning the house, etc. I have quit jobs because I coudn't cope because of my condition. My mental capacity, memory and energy have drastically reduced. I feel like a shell of who I used to be. Especially at my age feeling this way feels like shit. I don't even feel my age. I feel terrible. I can only imagine that continuing this way would lead to further decline. My brain and body both feel reduced for a person who is just 27. I have been on medication and to therapy. Nothing really worked. They just had horrible side effects. I felt better to some degree but that was about it. I am back into that abyss spiralling down. This time it feels worse though. I haven't been so low ever in my entire life. It feels really terrible and it feels stupid to have hope.

There is no cure to this condition. You can just "manage symptoms". You will probably be on medication for the rest of your life just to "manage symptoms". I don't really want to live this way. What is the point of living this way?

Sometimes I feel like I'm too sensitive for this world. I'm an empath and an HSP. I am very intuitive and have had different spiritual practices. I feel like I feel everything 10x. Any altercation or if someone just said something bad or mean or even looked at/touched me in a wrong way would take me a long time to heal from. Or I don't know if this is an effect of trauma and abuse. I don't think I'm made for this world.

I don't know if I should go back on medication and try different treatments again and give it more time. I just don't want to fail again. I don't want to live with side effects. I don't want to live a half life where my functionality is reduced. I want to be normal again. I don't know if that's even possible. I'm at the same spot I was 3 years back. Or I wonder if this hope thing is just all useless.

I also come from a wealthy family and would have certain things to my name down the line, things that would take people a lifetime to achieve. I don't know if I'm throwing it all away by ctb. But then again what is the point of living this way when there is no cure for my condition?

I had dreams of starting my own family, having children, studying further and moving to a different country. But now I feel that they are just that, "dreams". I don't think any of that is possible given my current condition. I feel like I've just been living in a dream world.

You said you felt a little better before despite the side effects after medication/ treatment - so maybe maintaining it & continuing could help eventually? Sometimes treatments - including therapy will make you feel worse before you can feel better as it envitably means going over & facing past traumas - which of course will be a mentally painful process - but in the longer term sometimes it can help. Do you have private healthcare ? I stated yr family have wealth - would they/ could they pay for the best therapist money can buy / even a residential stay somewhere for intensive therapy- perhaps with people that specialise in the type of trauma you went though? I can understand you are in so much pain & want that pain to end- and only you can make that decision at the end of the day- but before that you need to think of u have considered all the options & given treatment the time it takes to work- it sounds like you have some hopes and dreams , things you would like to do...despite of all yr woes- you might be able to still realise some of them. Not pro- life here by the way. Just pro- exhausting ALL options first.

 

[NotForThisWorld]

What is your diagnosis. I'm so sorry for your pain and suffering. I cannot imagine what your pain. It difficult to have hope. I understand. I think about suicide every day and night. It's a constant struggle. I'm glad you didn't ctb and you have hope. I wish I could be more positive and encouraging.

Thank you for your kind words. You are positive and encouraging. I don't really have one official diagnosis. It is a bunch of things that have to be treated specifically like depression, hallucinations, mood swings, etc.

I have been misdiagnosed with schizophrenia in the past by a stupid doctor. Was even put on medication for it. I never had schizophrenia. It was corrected by a doctor later. It just shows that medical diagnosis can be wrong and that doctors can be crazy.

You said you felt a little better before despite the side effects after medication/ treatment - so maybe maintaining it & continuing could help eventually? Sometimes treatments - including therapy will make you feel worse before you can feel better as it envitably means going over & facing past traumas - which of course will be a mentally painful process - but in the longer term sometimes it can help. Do you have private healthcare ? I stated yr family have wealth - would they/ could they pay for the best therapist money can buy / even a residential stay somewhere for intensive therapy- perhaps with people that specialise in the type of trauma you went though? I can understand you are in so much pain & want that pain to end- and only you can make that decision at the end of the day- but before that you need to think of u have considered all the options & given treatment the time it takes to work- it sounds like you have some hopes and dreams , things you would like to do...despite of all yr woes- you might be able to still realise some of them. Not pro- life here by the way. Just pro- exhausting ALL options first.

Thank you for your reply. The thing is I don't really think things could get better. I have read about people being on medication for 10-20 years and are still not cured or healed. I don't think there is a cure. Not that I know of. People are in therapy for decades sometimes. Some would probably need it for the rest of their lives. I don't think there is a cure with mental issues. Medication and therapy seem like crutches you live with.

No point in having hopes and dreams when you can't accomplish basic day-to-day activities. Feels unreal and far fetched. No point in realising them either.