Like a flipping coin

[Archness]

Sometimes I'm very depressed. Some days I'm thinking "I should ctb now".
Other times, I'm fine. Hell, I'm even in an "Everything will be alright" kind of mood writing this. Things could get a lot better, could that happen?
Anything's possible, but only one thing happens out of everything else. Honestly, I know this state of contentedness is temporary, and that not alot will come out of it.

The result remains to be seen in person, but can be seen from afar to reasonable extent.

Honestly, to wish death or life on oneself... Is it from what we see with our eyes? logic or reasoning alone? Either way, it's a transcendent will. I can't reason with this, not even by myself. I can only explain and theorize why it's there, the orientation it points, between life and death.

I'll only be sure when one of these opposing forces wins. When there's nothing left in life but self. One of the two, perhaps a few rare triggers.

This sense of contentedness feels like... A good log rotting on the insides. I'm fearful of when the decay bubbles past my skin.

 

[SilentSadness]

Life and death swim in circles, ultimately though death will always prevail. It's true that things can "get better", but it won't change the fact that we all die and that the amount of suffering we can experience is practically boundless. I also experience highs but it always feel better to continue floating onto the lows rather than crash back to the ground from the highs. To me, death seems like a rational choice, but everyone can make their own mind up on the topic. That said, I hope you do find peace, even in this tragic game of life.

 

[Sulyya]

Transcendent will is an interesting way to view it. Making the decision based on careful reasoning, emotions, passions etc is there but will it happen or not, sort of feels as though it's already decided - a complete life to natural death of all kinds of pain, or ctb.

Thank you for the perspectives.

 

[AllMyDreams]

I used to be like this constantly and sometimes still am. What helped me was remembering that you have to make happiness from within, you can't rely on other people or outside events/accomplishments, because then your happiness won't be consistent.

Try adopting a mindset that says "I love myself always, if good things happen it's great, if bad things happen it's 'interesting'. I am valuable and bring something unique to the world that only I can". The only way to be consistently content with life is to create unconditional self-love, and once you do, other people will be attracted to you, and you'll be able to focus on other people.

You could also have a mental condition that makes you predisposed to mood swings; I would check with a therapist. I have Asperger's/OCD for example and my moods can be very black and white.

 

[Archness]

Transcendent will is an interesting way to view it. Making the decision based on careful reasoning, emotions, passions etc is there but will it happen or not, sort of feels as though it's already decided - a complete life to natural death of all kinds of pain, or ctb.

Thank you for the perspectives.

Yeah. I meant... It feels like something from the soul? Like all my knowledge, experience, emotion, logic, irrationality, etc culminate in wanting to live or die. Can't really explain much better then that. It's not something you "calculate out", but "emerges" from variables and factors and oneself.

I used to be like this constantly and sometimes still am. What helped me was remembering that you have to make happiness from within, you can't rely on other people or outside events/accomplishments, because then your happiness won't be consistent.

Try adopting a mindset that says "I love myself always, if good things happen it's great, if bad things happen it's 'interesting'. I am valuable and bring something unique to the world that only I can". The only way to be consistently content with life is to create unconditional self-love, and once you do, other people will be attracted to you, and you'll be able to focus on other people.

You could also have a mental condition that makes you predisposed to mood swings; I would check with a therapist. I have Asperger's/OCD for example and my moods can be very black and white.

Ahh, I'm the kind of person with their head in the clouds all the time, stuck in my own head etc. But even then I'm grounded in reality. I can't love myself without something real to base it off, and other's saying "I love you" doesn't cut it.

You could also have a mental condition that makes you predisposed to mood swings; I would check with a therapist.

Mood-swings? I mean, I guess I experience those. Like I go from stuck thinking about ctb to just fine in the same day, but it's normal (healthy even) to feel a variety of emotions during the day.

Therapist. Uh, no. I'm too spooked at that prospect. At the end of the day you're talking to a stranger who happens to have the "License" and "Authority" for that job... for $$$. People helping me would be fruitless if I can't help myself (I believe the psychologists will agree with me on that). Besides, I don't feel being comfortable with someone like that, let alone writing/recording everything down for scrutiny, and reporting "bad thoughts" to authorities etc.

I have Asperger's/OCD for example and my moods can be very black and white.

Hmm... I billeve those things are on/related-to the autism-spectrum. As an autist, that's interesting...

 

[AllMyDreams]

Yeah. I meant... It feels like something from the soul? Like all my knowledge, experience, emotion, logic, irrationality, etc culminate in wanting to live or die. Can't really explain much better then that. It's not something you "calculate out", but "emerges" from variables and factors and oneself.


Ahh, I'm the kind of person with their head in the clouds all the time, stuck in my own head etc. But even then I'm grounded in reality. I can't love myself without something real to base it off, and other's saying "I love you" doesn't cut it.


Mood-swings? I mean, I guess I experience those. Like I go from stuck thinking about ctb to just fine in the same day, but it's normal (healthy even) to feel a variety of emotions during the day.

Therapist. Uh, no. I'm too spooked at that prospect. At the end of the day you're talking to a stranger who happens to have the "License" and "Authority" for that job... for $$$. People helping me would be fruitless if I can't help myself (I believe the psychologists will agree with me on that). Besides, I don't feel being comfortable with someone like that, let alone writing/recording everything down for scrutiny, and reporting "bad thoughts" to authorities etc.



Hmm... I billeve those things are on/related-to the autism-spectrum. As an autist, that's interesting...

That's the thing- you have to develop self-love unconditionally. No matter what happens, even when you are depressed or feel like you are making the wrong choices in life. It's not about telling yourself 'I love you' so much as acknowledging that you are a flawed person, as is everyone, but that there's real beauty in that, and never losing sight of your good qualities. It's about remembering that without bad days/decisions we can't appreciate the good parts of our life, and that you as a person bring something unique to this world in all sorts of ways.

It is normal to feel a range of emotions but it's not normal to want to constantly ctb. Psychologists aren't meant to 'fix' you instantly like a doctor, but they can develop techniques with you that can help you feel better. They won't report you to the authorities unless you're a danger to others, they'll probably just talk to you, suggest types of therapy or other things you can do, or prescribe medication (if they are a psychiatrist). And if you're worried you don't have to tell them everything, you don't have to say 'I want to ctb and regularly make plans' but more like 'I don't want to do anything, I'm constantly sad, I don't see a future for myself'. You get the same message across.

Also maybe it would help you to talk to a stranger than someone you know. I personally prefer it because if you talk to someone you know you'll likely hurt them. Psychologists are used to this and can help you from a more objective standpoint.

 

[FuneralCry]

It does seem as though if someone is not suffering as much in life that feeling will soon be taken away as I believe that it's impossible to escape from the fact that existing really is something so worthless. And the way that I see it anything that is seen as being positive in life only exists to lead to more pain. It must be tiring being in that situation, but anyway, I wish you the best in whatever happens going forward.

 

[Archness]

That's the thing- you have to develop self-love unconditionally. No matter what happens, even when you are depressed or feel like you are making the wrong choices in life. It's not about telling yourself 'I love you' so much as acknowledging that you are a flawed person, as is everyone, but that there's real beauty in that, and never losing sight of your good qualities. It's about remembering that without bad days/decisions we can't appreciate the good parts of our life, and that you as a person bring something unique to this world in all sorts of ways.

It is normal to feel a range of emotions but it's not normal to want to constantly ctb. Psychologists aren't meant to 'fix' you instantly like a doctor, but they can develop techniques with you that can help you feel better. They won't report you to the authorities unless you're a danger to others, they'll probably just talk to you, suggest types of therapy or other things you can do, or prescribe medication (if they are a psychiatrist). And if you're worried you don't have to tell them everything, you don't have to say 'I want to ctb and regularly make plans' but more like 'I don't want to do anything, I'm constantly sad, I don't see a future for myself'. You get the same message across.

Also maybe it would help you to talk to a stranger than someone you know. I personally prefer it because if you talk to someone you know you'll likely hurt them. Psychologists are used to this and can help you from a more objective standpoint.

sounds a bit like cope.

Did you understand my post? I'm not literally thinking about ctb 24/7. If I was, you wouldn't be reading this.

Yeah "Unconditional Self Love", "Knowing flaws, but knowing your good". I mean, really, unconditional love based on nothing? Like being confident without any proficiency. Even when I keep what I'm good @ in mind, it's like only <10% of everything rip.

Honestly, you're acting like you know me, even when giving generic advice like that. The recovery section would fit you better.

 

[AllMyDreams]

sounds a bit like cope.

Did you understand my post? I'm not literally thinking about ctb 24/7. If I was, you wouldn't be reading this.

Yeah "Unconditional Self Love", "Knowing flaws, but knowing your good". I mean, really, unconditional love based on nothing? Like being confident without any proficiency. Even when I keep what I'm good @ in mind, it's like only <10% of everything rip.

Honestly, you're acting like you know me, even when giving generic advice like that. The recovery section would fit you better.

Yeah, unconditional love doesn't have to be based on anything specific. Simply loving yourself for existing (when so many potential people were never created), for your good intentions, for trying your best every day, even if 10%. It's hard to do for sure, but the alternative is relying on outside events/people for happiness, and that's never consistent. Therapy could help you learn, and get to the root cause of why you sometimes feel depressed.

I said "constantly" because it seemed like you wanted to ctb often. Am sorry if that was exaggerating, it wasn't my intention to.

I don't know you. I tried to give you as honest of an answer I could based on your post, and what I know from my/others' experience.

 

[OutOfTheVoid]

i understand what you mean. ive kinda been in a similar spot myself lately. at least, ive been able to tolerate existing more than usual, but im almost certain it wont last. or hell, maybe its possible things will be alright... cant say i have much hope in that myself, but i cant speak for your situation obviously.

i believe that "transcendent will" can go in any direction. impossible to truly predict though.