Story Life's hard and I got therapy!

[a.fool]

I started therapy.
Today was my first session of therapy ever. My therapist is very pretty first of all and I even complimented her.
She's very straight forward and she said she won't sugarcoat things she wants to tell or explain me even if I'm very young.
The session was good. I liked her. I don't remember most of the things from the session because of my bad memory like what she meant to explain me and what all she said.
But to sum it up, she meant that I should live in the present and not worry about the future and she said that she would have given me coping mechanism if the stress was caused because of my parents but it's me who's giving myself stress so she sent me some grounding exercises which basically is for you to calm yourself when you are having anxiety. Also she said that anxiety and depression are closely related and she told me that is should do what makes me happy and I should enjoy life but I said that there's nothing in life to enjoy. She also sent me an exercise where I have to fill the answers like what I like about myself and all but tbh I don't want to do that exercise.
Also my therapist said that it's alot about perspective and how we can have a mindset where we think how weak we are and another where we focus on how much strength we carry. She wants me to focus on how strong and smart I am and she said that I should live in the present.
She said that she'd love to talk to my mom if I want but I denied for that.
It was my first session and I did open up alot because I'm very extroverted (which she was happy to hear) but I still didn't open up fully but I hope i open up more in next session and actually tell other things that bother me and that I'm suicidal. I don't know how she'll react to hearing that I'm suicidal.
So here comes the problem, I can't talk to her very openly because I did the session on my terrace and it's all open so the neighbours could hear me, it's good that they don't know English properly but they still can understand and mental health is a taboo here so I'm a bit sceptical about the next session. I can't do it in my house as I don't have my own room and I don't want to do it infront of my sister. There's no privacy at my house but I'm very comfortable with my mom, the problem is with my sister being there during the session. Give suggestions on this if you have any!
Today was actually terrible as just after the session in the afternoon, I had to go out for some work with my sister which was very tiring. Then I got home and I had to cook dinner because my mom was unwell. My heart was aching all alone seeing my mom in pain. I cried too. I just felt like I'm stuck as I felt like dying but I couldn't. I'm trying so hard everyday even to just survive, it takes so much of my energy and I'm drained every single day but still things are never going well.
Please God help me in this and please show me the ray of light at the end of the tunnel which I'm unable to see at the time. I have lost hope and I'm still hanging on for my mother, I can't see her suffer, it makes me wanna die and hurts me alot. I'm very grateful for everything in my life, every little thing I've got but it's very hard for me now.
I feel like I'm breaking from inside. I showed my therapist that I'm all good though. She wants me to stay tough and she didn't wanna label me with a depressive person tag or anything. She also said that she'll see me next week but I told her that I can barely afford therapy and I can't afford to see her every week and that the maximum I can see her is just twice a month.
I would not want anyone to say anything bad about my therapist as I really like her.
How was everyone else's day? How's life treating you?

 

[Slow_Farewell]

hmm..i'm curious...if the therapy (or aspects of it) causes you to repress or minimize or cease discussing your challenges or whatever it is your feeling, does it mean it's working? sort of like..reverse psychology?
Today was okay for me, but a bit weird? i guess.
I'm with my best friend and she said that mosquitoes were biting her. She considered getting those mosquito coil things, basically incense that you light up and let burn throughout a certain area.
I told her it was okay as long as you didnt light it up in an enclosed area as the fumes are toxic if inhaled enough. Similar to charcoal/gas methods. I shared an experience I had wherein when I was younger i basically placed a lot of them around the room because of mosquitoes and I slept.
I woke up with a headache, dizzy, and I couldnt breath very well.
anyways, i took a nap while she did chores and when I woke up, i immediately knew by scent that she lit some of the coils.
I am annoyed but i didnt show it, and it made me think:
I dont understand the thought process of people who say they value you, etc and go against your instructions or advice about certain things. I really dont. And when I tell her about it in a conversation, about how she's hardheaded and shit, she genuinely thinks she isnt and then gets annoyed when I list the times she went against what I advised her, or told her to do.
So yeah, aside from that, I recently read the manga version of an anime I was following. Originally because I was too impatient for the next episode. now im sorta regretting it.
Thank you for asking, hope your day is better.

 

[a.fool]

hmm..i'm curious...if the therapy (or aspects of it) causes you to repress or minimize or cease discussing your challenges or whatever it is your feeling, does it mean it's working? sort of like..reverse psychology?

I don't understand what you mean, would you mind elaborating it in simple way? English is my third language that's why.

Today was okay for me, but a bit weird? i guess.
I'm with my best friend and she said that mosquitoes were biting her. She considered getting those mosquito coil things, basically incense that you light up and let burn throughout a certain area.

Ya I know those.

I told her it was okay as long as you didnt light it up in an enclosed area as the fumes are toxic if inhaled enough. Similar to charcoal/gas methods. I shared an experience I had wherein when I was younger i basically placed a lot of them around the room because of mosquitoes and I slept.
I woke up with a headache, dizzy, and I couldnt breath very well.

Ya they are very bad for our health, the chemicals that those things have.

anyways, i took a nap while she did chores and when I woke up, i immediately knew by scent that she lit some of the coils.
I am annoyed but i didnt show it, and it made me think:
I dont understand the thought process of people who say they value you, etc and go against your instructions or advice about certain things. I really dont.

Ya like that's just disrespecting and not understanding boundaries.

And when I tell her about it in a conversation, about how she's hardheaded and shit, she genuinely thinks she isnt and then gets annoyed when I list the times she went against what I advised her, or told her to do.

Is she a good friend?

So yeah, aside from that, I recently read the manga version of an anime I was following. Originally because I was too impatient for the next episode. now im sorta regretting it.

Why do you regret it?

Thank you for asking, hope your day is better.

It cannot actually get better. It's night now.

 

[Slow_Farewell]

I don't understand what you mean, would you mind elaborating it in simple way? English is my third language that's why.

Ah, sorry, I probably didnt explain it very well.
Therapy is supposed to help you be able to open up about what's really inside you, with the goal of helping you get through whatever it is you're facing.

I showed my therapist that I'm all good though.

based on this though, it seemed you showed your therapist something different.
so maybe in a way you're learning how to repress stuff even further?

Is she a good friend?

I'd like to think so, she certainly is one of the people that have stayed the longest. But good question..I might not know what a "good friend" is. LOL.

Why do you regret it?

because now the anticipation is a bit..lessened? because i already know how it's going to go. It may be a case of being careful what I wish for. LOL. I wished to know what happens next in the anime, now I do based on the manga, and it has spoiled the anime.

It cannot actually get better. It's night now.

oh, sorry, it's 2 AM where I am.

 

[h.s.p.]

First of all, I'm really glad you're giving recovery a chance. And your English is fine enough, don't worry.

she said that she would have given me coping mechanism if the stress was caused because of my parents but it's me who's giving myself stress

Yes, it looks like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. This shows that you're a caring and intelligent person, possibly quite mature for your very young age.
The downside is you're maybe taking responsibility for things which are not under your control. Think about this, if you agree with me it may be crucial to discuss the topic with your counselor

Also she said that anxiety and depression are closely related

She's right, they are indeed. You can be anxious but not depressed and viceversa, but quite often the two are related

She also sent me an exercise where I have to fill the answers like what I like about myself and all but tbh I don't want to do that exercise.

Why not? I really think you should do it. It may seem useless to you but mental health professionals often use these "exercises" to your benefit. If you are skeptical about it, ask her what this exercise is for. If you have questions, do not hesitate to ask her

I don't know how she'll react to hearing that I'm suicidal.

You don't have to worry about that, seriously. It's her job. We both know that the topic is often considered taboo, but mental health pros know how to deal with that.
Suicidal thoughts come from suffering and hopelessness. Both are human emotions, you don't have to be afraid to talk about that. When you feel comfortable, just tell her.
She won't be shocked.

I can't talk to her very openly because I did the session on my terrace and it's all open so the neighbours could hear me

If you can't find a place at your school, could a quiet spot in a public park be an option? Sorry but these are the only ideas I have at the moment

I showed my therapist that I'm all good though. She wants me to stay tough and she didn't wanna label me with a depressive person tag or anything.

As @Slow_Farewell already said, you must not hide your feelings, otherwise she won't be able to help you.
Tags, labels, etc. don't mean anything. You're not just "a depressive person or anything", you are YOU. Each one of us is unique.
Yes, you may be depressed, but you are way more than that. Try to forget what "depression" is and tell her how you feel - being honest is extremely important.
Much love to you

 

[a.fool]

Ah, sorry, I probably didnt explain it very well.
Therapy is supposed to help you be able to open up about what's really inside you, with the goal of helping you get through whatever it is you're facing.

Yeah but I can't really open up till I am actually alone with no one listening except my therapist. Wish it was easier plus it was my first session so I couldn't fully open up.

based on this though, it seemed you showed your therapist something different.
so maybe in a way you're learning how to repress stuff even further?

Well I did open up but I didn't say that I'm very vulnerable and I didn't cry or anything. She talked to me very straightforward while explaining things to me and she wants me to be strong so now I feel like I shouldn't cry about things in my life to her.

I'd like to think so, she certainly is one of the people that have stayed the longest. But good question..I might not know what a "good friend" is. LOL.

Good friends are those who actually understand you and respect your choices. They can be annoying but there's still a limit that they shouldn't cross. Also the most important is that they should think about your good too instead of being all selfish.

because now the anticipation is a bit..lessened? because i already know how it's going to go. It may be a case of being careful what I wish for. LOL. I wished to know what happens next in the anime, now I do based on the manga, and it has spoiled the anime.

Ohh I can understand. Maybe leave it in between so that you won't know the whole thing and there still will be some suspense.

oh, sorry, it's 2 AM where I am.

Sleep well. Whenever you sleep, do try to get a big good sleep, it's very necessary for the body!
Take care:)

First of all, I'm really glad you're giving recovery a chance. And your English is fine enough, don't worry.

Oh thanks.

Yes, it looks like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself. This shows that you're a caring and intelligent person, possibly quite mature for your very young age.

My therapist said the same to me that I'm very mature for my age.

The downside is you're maybe taking responsibility for things which are not under your control. Think about this, if you agree with me it may be crucial to discuss the topic with your counselor

Yes yes. I need to discuss this with her. Now that I'm a bit close to her after 1 session, I worry what she'll say and think after I tell her things but she told me that she won't be judgemental at all so it's just my mind playing tricks with me. Also she respected my choice of her not involving my parents in my recovery.

She's right, they are indeed. You can be anxious but not depressed and viceversa, but quite often the two are related

Yes I relate. I think my depression developed because of my anxiety being untreated and undiagnosed.

Why not? I really think you should do it. It may seem useless to you but mental health professionals often use these "exercises" to your benefit. If you are skeptical about it, ask her what this exercise is for. If you have questions, do not hesitate to ask her

Ok I'll try to do it. Also she sent me a video to listen to while I'm sleeping to sleep well but I didn't watch it because I don't have trouble sleeping.

You don't have to worry about that, seriously. It's her job. We both know that the topic is often considered taboo, but mental health pros know how to deal with that.

Ok.

Suicidal thoughts come from suffering and hopelessness. Both are human emotions, you don't have to be afraid to talk about that. When you feel comfortable, just tell her.
She won't be shocked.

I'll tell her eventually or maybe by just texting her but she'll ask me reasons as to why I want to die. She was also asking my reasons of anxiety but I couldn't mention everything as I was kinda nervous. I also didn't make notes before sitting for the session because I was too lazy to do that. The session was an online video call.

If you can't find a place at your school, could a quiet spot in a public park be an option? Sorry but these are the only ideas I have at the moment

It's not possible. Mental health is a taboo so I can't take the session in a public place like park infront of people.

As @Slow_Farewell already said, you must not hide your feelings, otherwise she won't be able to help you.

Yes. Also she said that I should take atleast 3 sessions in a month if not every week as it'll help me but I can't afford that.

Tags, labels, etc. don't mean anything. You're not just "a depressive person or anything", you are YOU. Each one of us is unique.

She said the same.

Yes, you may be depressed, but you are way more than that. Try to forget what "depression" is and tell her how you feel - being honest is extremely important.

She said that my depression or anxiety is just a part of me or my life but I'm way more than that.

Much love to you

Thank you for being there for me. You and @Kit1 are the people who are helping me push through life when I just want to give up. You make me feel loved and I feel like I matter when I'm around you both.

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

I had my first therapy session as well. In my experience, I told my therapist about my feelings of depression and loneliness. He really helped give me some perspective on my situation and he gave me some resources to help alleviate my negative thinking. It really helped me personally to finally have someone to discuss my depression with.

I wish you the best of luck with your recovery. We both have a long road ahead of us it seems like.

 

[a.fool]

I had my first therapy session as well. In my experience, I told my therapist about my feelings of depression and loneliness. He really helped give me some perspective on my situation and he gave me some resources to help alleviate my negative thinking. It really helped me personally to finally have someone to discuss my depression with.

I wish you the best of luck with your recovery. We both have a long road ahead of us it seems like.

I'm very happy for you. Good that you had your first session too. I had the same experience as you.
Hope you recover faster. How many times a month will you be seeing him? Also do you just talk on session or you text him too?

 

[SMG08ABUSER]

I'm very happy for you. Good that you had your first session too. I had the same experience as you.
Hope you recover faster. How many times a month will you be seeing him? Also do you just talk on session or you text him too?

I'm able to get therapy through my job benefits, unfortunately I only have 4 sessions before the service will start charging me. Planning on seeing the therapist once per week until I have no more sessions.

I'm able to both text and have video sessions with my therapist.

 

[a.fool]

I'm able to get therapy through my job benefits, unfortunately I only have 4 sessions before the service will start charging me. Planning on seeing the therapist once per week until I have no more sessions.

I'm able to both text and have video sessions with my therapist.

Oh wow. That sounds amazing. In my country, there aren't any benefits like that even as a student. I can barely afford therapy. We are in debt but my mom still wants me to get therapy and not die.
That's nice.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Good luck with therapy. All the best!

 

[a.fool]

Good luck with therapy. All the best!

Thank you so much!

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm so happy that you went to see your therapist! It's even better that you enjoyed the experience. I hope that things continue to go well with that, especially now that it may be easier to see how many people are in your corner and want you to get better. You don't have to open up right away, but over time, your therapist is going to create an environment where you will feel safe to do so. And as others have said, don't worry about how she will react to you being suicidal. It will be scary to open up like that, but it's necessary. Some accounts will make it seem like as soon as you open up like that, professionals will send you directly to a facility. I have no idea how it is in your country, but I think once you communicate that you are not an immediate danger to yourself and these are thoughts that you really want to work on, you will be safe. Your therapist is trained to handle it. But you're also allowed to take your time and say that when you are ready.

In regards to your sister, does she have a schedule where she is out of the house at any time that you can schedule a meeting? Maybe if she goes to school or has a job and you're home during that time, you could try to request a specific time with your therapist?

I'm sorry about the lack of privacy because that really sucks, but I'm happy that you went anyway, and I hope that things go well in your recovery.

 

[a.fool]

I'm so happy that you went to see your therapist! It's even better that you enjoyed the experience. I hope that things continue to go well with that, especially now that it may be easier to see how many people are in your corner and want you to get better. You don't have to open up right away, but over time, your therapist is going to create an environment where you will feel safe to do so. And as others have said, don't worry about how she will react to you being suicidal. It will be scary to open up like that, but it's necessary. Some accounts will make it seem like as soon as you open up like that, professionals will send you directly to a facility. I have no idea how it is in your country, but I think once you communicate that you are not an immediate danger to yourself and these are thoughts that you really want to work on, you will be safe. Your therapist is trained to handle it. But you're also allowed to take your time and say that when you are ready.

Thanks for caring:) It did go well but I feel like I shouldn't continue therapy. My brain keeps telling me that I'm worthless and that I don't deserve anything good. Also telling everything to the therapist is kinda scary to me like it makes me anxious. Also like the thought that I have to pay someone to listen to me and then tell me things I already know? Like the exercises she told me, I already knew them from a psychologist who is on YouTube. To be honest my brain is kinda searching for a reason to be unhappy and I've tons of those.
Things aren't going ok. I'm not ok. Something keeps happening every single day which triggers my depression and my anxiety. And I feel tired everyday, tired of living. I feel like I should die.

In regards to your sister, does she have a schedule where she is out of the house at any time that you can schedule a meeting? Maybe if she goes to school or has a job and you're home during that time, you could try to request a specific time with your therapist?

No she's home 24/7.

I'm sorry about the lack of privacy because that really sucks, but I'm happy that you went anyway, and I hope that things go well in your recovery.

Thank you for atleast caring.

 

[Labyrinth]

How does the public mental health service work in your country? Calling a therapist to my house to talk intimately is something unthinkable for me. On the verge of ignorant people listening and judging me? Doubly unthinkable.

I am admired by your determination and perseverance to stay alive, I hope you can win.

Today was another wasted and unproductive day filled with anguish and loneliness. I don't know how long I will continue.

 

[a.fool]

How does the public mental health service work in your country? Calling a therapist to my house to talk intimately is something unthinkable for me. On the verge of ignorant people listening and judging me? Doubly unthinkable.

I don't call anyone to my house. It's not even possible to. It was an online video call session. And the public mental health service is literally useless here like even the helpline numbers show busy when dialled as shown in a news article. Mental health whole scenerio is fucked up here.

I am admired by your determination and perseverance to stay alive, I hope you can win.

I feel like I'm losing tbh.

Today was another wasted and unproductive day filled with anguish and loneliness. I don't know how long I will continue.

Can relate. Do you have any method to ctb like if you've thought any? Maybe it can help me.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Thanks for caring:)

Of course!

No she's home 24/7.

That's unfortunate. I wish I had more options but that's a tough situation to be in, it seems the terrace would be the only option if you do continue.

It did go well but I feel like I shouldn't continue therapy. My brain keeps telling me that I'm worthless and that I don't deserve anything good.

Ultimately, it's your decision. I don't want to sit here and tell you that you should continue if you don't want to. But if you think it over again, I hope that you will consider that how you feel is normal. It's exactly the kind of thing that therapy could address and potentially alleviate for you. Our brains are tricksters and under the influence of depression, they will seek to make us feel like everything is useless, like there's no use in trying. But you are a person who is in pain, and that reason alone makes you deserving of healing and therapy. You are not worthless, but your brain is sadly making you feel that way.

Also like the thought that I have to pay someone to listen to me and then tell me things I already know? Like the exercises she told me, I already knew them from a psychologist who is on YouTube. To be honest my brain is kinda searching for a reason to be unhappy and I've tons of those.

Maybe you should try to think of it in a different way. Everything that is taught in therapy is not on Youtube. You're seeing those things because coping exercises are one of the first things you learn from a counselor or therapist. You've only scratched the surface of what you can talk to your therapist about and what she can teach you or help you with. Youtube psychologists are pretty useful when we don't have any other alternatives, though.

What you will really be paying money for is to sit down with another human who is qualified to help you out of a tough situation. Your problems are unique to you. You are the only person that exists as you are, there is nobody else in this world who is like you, so a psychologist on a prerecorded video that does not know you or the specific things that trouble you won't give you the kind of help that sitting down with one will.

I'm not ok.

It's okay to not be okay! There's no shame in having a bad day, or a setback. I hope that things will be better for you one way or another. I'm sorry if anything I said came off as pushy, or as me trying to force something onto you. I just wanted to give you more things to consider.

 

[h.s.p.]

I'll tell her eventually or maybe by just texting her but she'll ask me reasons as to why I want to die. She was also asking my reasons of anxiety but I couldn't mention everything as I was kinda nervous. I also didn't make notes before sitting for the session because I was too lazy to do that. The session was an online video call.

Feeling nervous is normal when you're suffering, let alone when talking about your issues with a stranger, even if she's a mental health pro.
You say that she'll be asking reasons and this makes you even more nervous, but facing your discomfort is necessary if you want to gry getting better.
IMHO, you are just thinking too much - you should try focusing on your emotions instead, and allow them to "flow" accordingly so your counselor knows what you're feeling.
Of course, this may take some time, you have to build a bond between you and her - when you feel comfortable enough, just tell her "something" about how you feel.
The following session, you tell her a little bit more, and so on... when you start opening up, it will eventually be easier to let your emotions flow.
Just take your time, you've got to trust the process.

Thank you for being there for me. You and @Kit1 are the people who are helping me push through life when I just want to give up. You make me feel loved and I feel like I matter when I'm around you both.

You do matter even if I'm just a random stranger. You told me a bit of your story and it's not hard to sympathize with you. I appreciate your words very much and will try to support you for as long as I can

 

[a.fool]

Of course!

That's unfortunate. I wish I had more options but that's a tough situation to be in, it seems the terrace would be the only option if you do continue.

I don't know.

Ultimately, it's your decision. I don't want to sit here and tell you that you should continue if you don't want to. But if you think it over again, I hope that you will consider that how you feel is normal. It's exactly the kind of thing that therapy could address and potentially alleviate for you. Our brains are tricksters and under the influence of depression, they will seek to make us feel like everything is useless, like there's no use in trying. But you are a person who is in pain, and that reason alone makes you deserving of healing and therapy. You are not worthless, but your brain is sadly making you feel that way.

I don't even have that much money to do weekly sessions. I don't think twice a month will help which is the max I can afford.

Maybe you should try to think of it in a different way. Everything that is taught in therapy is not on Youtube. You're seeing those things because coping exercises are one of the first things you learn from a counselor or therapist. You've only scratched the surface of what you can talk to your therapist about and what she can teach you or help you with. Youtube psychologists are pretty useful when we don't have any other alternatives, though.

Yes I agree.

What you will really be paying money for is to sit down with another human who is qualified to help you out of a tough situation. Your problems are unique to you. You are the only person that exists as you are, there is nobody else in this world who is like you, so a psychologist on a prerecorded video that does not know you or the specific things that trouble you won't give you the kind of help that sitting down with one will.

But at last they can only help but I'll be the one who'll have to help myself actually do stuff. They can just advise me and help me with what I should do but I'll have to do it . if you get what I mean.

It's okay to not be okay! There's no shame in having a bad day, or a setback. I hope that things will be better for you one way or another. I'm sorry if anything I said came off as pushy, or as me trying to force something onto you. I just wanted to give you more things to consider.

I pray to God that things actually get better!
Take care please!

Feeling nervous is normal when you're suffering, let alone when talking about your issues with a stranger, even if she's a mental health pro.

Yes it's hard to discuss things. Alot of time I was just wondering what extent should I share.

You say that she'll be asking reasons and this makes you even more nervous, but facing your discomfort is necessary if you want to gry getting better.

I kinda agree.

IMHO, you are just thinking too much - you should try focusing on your emotions instead, and allow them to "flow" accordingly so your counselor knows what you're feeling.

My brain is completely fucked up tbh. My feelings control me.

Of course, this may take some time, you have to build a bond between you and her - when you feel comfortable enough, just tell her "something" about how you feel.
The following session, you tell her a little bit more, and so on... when you start opening up, it will eventually be easier to let your emotions flow.
Just take your time, you've got to trust the process.

How long does it take to get completely normal like for the depression to go away?

You do matter even if I'm just a random stranger. You told me a bit of your story and it's not hard to sympathize with you. I appreciate your words very much and will try to support you for as long as I can

Thanks for saying that. You matter too, atleast to me. Thanks for being there<3
What in my story makes you sympathize with me? Just curious

 

[h.s.p.]

How long does it take to get completely normal like for the depression to go away?

Can't tell you exactly. Good thing is you're very young and the sooner you get treatment, the better it is. It may take some time, be patient and keep trying. It's too early to give up

Thanks for saying that. You matter too, atleast to me. Thanks for being there<3
What in my story makes you sympathize with me? Just curious

You're a human being and you're suffering. That's enough for me to sympathize. It's not your fault and you don't deserve to suffer