Venting life's better than ever, still need to ctb

[hexerei]

I've basically always wanted to ctb, it's weird. Literally when I found out what the word was, and what it conveyed, I wanted it. It's only been recently that I've been trying to find a way out of that feeling, I would say more than three quarters of my life was spent wanting to kill myself and not feeling bad about it. I've been a little worried about that recently. I've tried basically everything to make me not want to do it; years of counseling, different medications, recreational substances, changed my life and viewpoint around multiple times, and it just doesn't matter. My family is very crunchy and have talked me out of every single medication I've taken, and then used the withdrawals as proof that they were bad for me. If they know I'm taking something, it becomes the focal point of every discussion. If I feel just a little off, it's the meds. If I let myself down, it's the meds. If I feel weird, it's the meds. Instead it was all because I'm just not busy enough.

I went out and fixed that too, right? I have a hobby now, I go out and see people on the weekends, I work 40 hours a week. I have a job that more than sustains me in a field that's technically something I trained for, with bosses that care and I could stay there for twenty odd years and be taken care of.

But I still wanna do it!!

Any success just serves to help make sure that when it inevitably happens, it's better taken care of. I have hopes for paying for my funeral and arranging things to be alright when I die. Nothing else really matters to me. It makes me sad knowing that everything is still like this even when I get things figured out. I knew, intuitively, that it wouldn't just end if I started making a little more money, but it still kind of stings. I've spent years thinking the root of all of this is just hating myself for being a burden, and now I'm not and it's still this bad.

 

[areagarden]

Absolutely relate to this. Sucks because i thought things getting better would change things. Nope.

 

[alivebutnotliving]

i'm sorry you have to experience that loss of hope. not to rant under ur post but maybe you relate- the worst part is i can't even confide in those close to me because it'll weigh on them too. suicide is too taboo. idek if it's better they know my mindset before i ctb because it would distress them more than necessary. theres nothing anyone can do about it so what's the point? it would be nice to talk abt my headspace with someone close to me tho. this forum comes pretty close

 

[PanaxMan]

I've basically always wanted to ctb, it's weird. Literally when I found out what the word was, and what it conveyed, I wanted it. It's only been recently that I've been trying to find a way out of that feeling, I would say more than three quarters of my life was spent wanting to kill myself and not feeling bad about it. I've been a little worried about that recently. I've tried basically everything to make me not want to do it; years of counseling, different medications, recreational substances, changed my life and viewpoint around multiple times, and it just doesn't matter. My family is very crunchy and have talked me out of every single medication I've taken, and then used the withdrawals as proof that they were bad for me. If they know I'm taking something, it becomes the focal point of every discussion. If I feel just a little off, it's the meds. If I let myself down, it's the meds. If I feel weird, it's the meds. Instead it was all because I'm just not busy enough.

I went out and fixed that too, right? I have a hobby now, I go out and see people on the weekends, I work 40 hours a week. I have a job that more than sustains me in a field that's technically something I trained for, with bosses that care and I could stay there for twenty odd years and be taken care of.

But I still wanna do it!!

Any success just serves to help make sure that when it inevitably happens, it's better taken care of. I have hopes for paying for my funeral and arranging things to be alright when I die. Nothing else really matters to me. It makes me sad knowing that everything is still like this even when I get things figured out. I knew, intuitively, that it wouldn't just end if I started making a little more money, but it still kind of stings. I've spent years thinking the root of all of this is just hating myself for being a burden, and now I'm not and it's still this bad.

This was basically a near clone of myself until all the regrets poured in. Now ill be a homeless neet with infinitely more freedom and happiness of a hermit. It's weird how freeing it feels to disconnect from responsibilities. It could be a solution or not just putting a drop into the ocean of thoughts

 

[Forever Sleep]

I relate to this a great deal. To an extent, I've got what I thought I most wanted in life. (A creative job.) But, the sense of fulfilment has diminished enormously. I still fear losing what I have and, I don't want anything else.

I suppose in my head- it proves to me that nothing will be enough to make this life ok. That I was right all along.

I wonder if one of the factors though- is that our ideation started in early childhood. I suspect- growing up with these thoughts, they have become ingrained and almost a part of who we are. Like that amazing line in 'The Matrix': 'Like a splinter in your mind.' I tend to think- once they are there and established, they stay there to return to.

Do you think maybe you have positive associations with suicide? Passive ideation at least. For me- I do. I tend to link ideas of rest, peace, an end to suffering with it. To that end- I've never actually wanted to get rid of my thoughts. They were like the exit door when the building is on fire.