Venting Life sure loves punching down on someone

[Lost Kin]

It always feels like when life begins to go uphill again for me something has to happen that just takes all wind out of my sails again.
When I'm done with processing the past problems or they get resolved the next just hits me. And if that wasn't enough I also got hospitalized because of sudden health issues.

At times the problems do not effect me directly but the love one's in my life and seeing them this hurt just breaks my heart.
It really seem I don't deserve much happiness in my life. I'm tired.

Anyways hope you all have a better time then me and take care.

 

[Lost Kin]

It's also incredibly boring in the hospital. I have not much to do here mainly passing the time with my phone but unfortunately the free internet I got here is just unusable for YouTube or Discord. I have mobile data but I almost use it up for the month so I hope I can leave soon. My other entertainment option is my Steam deck but I don't really have the motivation right now to play most things, mainly just played some the binding of isacc and that's it. I just hope I don't have to stay too long here

 

[Lost Kin]

Well had to have a surgery. At least I don't feel any pain after the surgery because of the constant flow of painkillers, but I hate anesthesia. I always have to vomit after waking up from the anesthesia and I also feel nausea for a few days. I still have to stay some days in the hospital.

 

[VanillaCake]

Its good that you're at least not in pain. Anesthesia can be pretty hard on the body yeah, good luck for the next few days with the nausea I hope you'll manage to rest and get well soon enough.
Are your health issues completely resolved with the surgery?

 

[Lost Kin]

Its good that you're at least not in pain. Anesthesia can be pretty hard on the body yeah, good luck for the next few days with the nausea I hope you'll manage to rest and get well soon enough.
Are your health issues completely resolved with the surgery?

Thank you for your kind words, really means a lot right know

For my health issues, they should be resolved most likely. There still will be some testing and x-raying tomorrow. The issue I had also has a very small chance to come back after successful surgery and there are also a low risk for long term issues. That means I don't have to worry much about my recovery, which is comforting.

 

[Lost Kin]

Today a family member died. Yet again the cycle continues.

I was feeling quite hopeful again after recovering from my surgery. The first few weeks after the surgery were agonizing. The part that was so agonizing was not the physical pain I was feeling from time to time, but the isolation and the time spent alone with my thoughts. After some time though it got better and I was feeling alright again. I was working regularly again and could exhaust my body almost to the same capacity as before my surgery.

But yet again, when things finally begin to look up again, something has to happen that brings me down again.

A close relative died. Seeing other family members grief and being in pain is more hurtful than my own pain. I want to help them, cheer them up, comfort them, but I don't know how. I just always feel so useless when it comes to those things and I hate myself for that.

 

[VanillaCake]

Today a family member died. Yet again the cycle continues.

I was feeling quite hopeful again after recovering from my surgery. The first few weeks after the surgery were agonizing. The part that was so agonizing was not the physical pain I was feeling from time to time, but the isolation and the time spent alone with my thoughts. After some time though it got better and I was feeling alright again. I was working regularly again and could exhaust my body almost to the same capacity as before my surgery.

But yet again, when things finally begin to look up again, something has to happen that brings me down again.

A close relative died. Seeing other family members grief and being in pain is more hurtful than my own pain. I want to help them, cheer them up, comfort them, but I don't know how. I just always feel so useless when it comes to those things and I hate myself for that.

I feel for you and send you all the internet hugs I can send your way

When it comes to grief, I feel like it's such a complex thing that it's hard to know how to deal with it.
Everyone has their own way of navigating through the pain...
You are allowed to let yourself feel the pain of the loss as well, even if others seem to suffer more. If you can, it may help to stay close to your family and go through this together - although you'll all deal with it differently.

You showing empathy and compassion to your loved ones despite yourself suffering from the loss goes on to show how kind and caring you are but yeah, as I've said, you're allowed to be affected and want/need support as well

 

[Lost Kin]

I feel for you and send you all the internet hugs I can send your way

When it comes to grief, I feel like it's such a complex thing that it's hard to know how to deal with it.
Everyone has their own way of navigating through the pain...
You are allowed to let yourself feel the pain of the loss as well, even if others seem to suffer more. If you can, it may help to stay close to your family and go through this together - although you'll all deal with it differently.

You showing empathy and compassion to your loved ones despite yourself suffering from the loss goes on to show how kind and caring you are but yeah, as I've said, you're allowed to be affected and want/need support as well

Thank you for your kind word again. You're to kind to me.

We also went to say our last goodbye to the departed, but when I saw him I couldn't feel anything, it was just a void I was feeling. The only thing I felt afterward was self-hatred, because even at moments like that I was unable to cry. I just feel like an empty shell when it comes to those emotions. Because of that, I feel like I don't deserve the empathy and support of others. I know rationally I shouldn't feel that way, cause I deserve it to some degree, but I can't help myself from feeling this way.

 

[VanillaCake]

Thank you for your kind word again. You're to kind to me.

It is completely normal. You deserve the kindness and empathy

We also went to say our last goodbye to the departed, but when I saw him I couldn't feel anything, it was just a void I was feeling. The only thing I felt afterward was self-hatred, because even at moments like that I was unable to cry. I just feel like an empty shell when it comes to those emotions. Because of that, I feel like I don't deserve the empathy and support of others. I know rationally I shouldn't feel that way, cause I deserve it to some degree, but I can't help myself from feeling this way.

I can somewhat relate. I went through a bad depressive episode in 2021 - it wasn't over when a relative died. I was already dealing with anhedonia and apathy, so I didn't explicitly feel much.
Felt very guilty about it until I eventually realised that:
1) it could've been the shock of learning they had died (I didn't expect it at all).
2) the absence of feelings might've been a way for me to not just... crumble. I was already so depressed and low. If my mind had let itself feel all the sadness from the loss as well, I probably would've had a mental breakdown.
3) the loss might've triggered turbo apathy, completely extinguishing any affect for me.

Ultimately, I think it was a mix of those three as well as maybe perhaps some other things I don't know. I'm not you though so I can only speak about my own experience.

What I know is that it's so hard in those times to give yourself grace and compassion. I do believe you deserve them though

 

[Lost Kin]

I can somewhat relate. I went through a bad depressive episode in 2021 - it wasn't over when a relative died. I was already dealing with anhedonia and apathy, so I didn't explicitly feel much.
Felt very guilty about it until I eventually realised that:
1) it could've been the shock of learning they had died (I didn't expect it at all).
2) the absence of feelings might've been a way for me to not just... crumble. I was already so depressed and low. If my mind had let itself feel all the sadness from the loss as well, I probably would've had a mental breakdown.
3) the loss might've triggered turbo apathy, completely extinguishing any affect for me.

Ultimately, I think it was a mix of those three as well as maybe perhaps some other things I don't know. I'm not you though so I can only speak about my own experience.

What I know is that it's so hard in those times to give yourself grace and compassion. I do believe you deserve them though

I also deal with apathy and anhedonia on and off for a good part of my life. It always comes in phases, like the last one I had was after my surgery. I couldn't bring myself to do the things I like to do, like gaming or talking with friends.

Right now it could be apathy that is caused to soften the blow of the news, but I also think that I was not that close to the person. I've seen him many times, but I rarely talked to him or interacted with him in a meaningful way. Could be, because I didn't have a strong emotional connection to him, that I didn't feel much when he died. The lack of feelings and emotions, feel like I didn't appreciate his existence or that I didn't like him, and for this I hate myself.

In general I have a hard time accepting myself, because of the self-hatred I feel most of the time. Most likely the cause of that was back in 2017. A loved one tried to commit suicide. Before he attempted, he messaged only one person to say goodbye. The person he messaged was me. The message was along the lines that he loved me and that I shouldn't never forget that. Back then, I was too naive and young to understand what he meant by that and what he was trying to do. I only found out 1,5 years later that he had tried to take his life.

Still to this day, I hate myself for that, that I was too naive back then and that I couldn't provide any help. I know I shouldn't feel that way, because it wasn't my fault and that I was still too young to comprehend it.

 

[VanillaCake]

I also deal with apathy and anhedonia on and off for a good part of my life. It always comes in phases, like the last one I had was after my surgery. I couldn't bring myself to do the things I like to do, like gaming or talking with friends.

Same here my "down" phases are now much longer and more pervasive.

Right now it could be apathy that is caused to soften the blow of the news, but I also think that I was not that close to the person. I've seen him many times, but I rarely talked to him or interacted with him in a meaningful way. Could be, because I didn't have a strong emotional connection to him, that I didn't feel much when he died. The lack of feelings and emotions, feel like I didn't appreciate his existence or that I didn't like him, and for this I hate myself.

I think it's pretty normal to not be that affected if you didn't have a strong emotional connection to him. Imagine if we broke down each and every time we learnt someone had died!

I don't think it's fair to hold yourself to such a high standard. If it was a loved one who confided into you and admitted they didn't feel much when one of their family members (that they weren't close to) died, would you think they'd deserve to have themselves for it?

In general I have a hard time accepting myself, because of the self-hatred I feel most of the time. Most likely the cause of that was back in 2017. A loved one tried to commit suicide. Before he attempted, he messaged only one person to say goodbye. The person he messaged was me. The message was along the lines that he loved me and that I shouldn't never forget that. Back then, I was too naive and young to understand what he meant by that and what he was trying to do. I only found out 1,5 years later that he had tried to take his life.

Self-hate is a plague... I am somewhat hateful towards myself and this has wrecked a lot of good things for me.

From what I understand, this person sent you a message simply stating his love to you. You couldn't have inferred that he was trying to ctb... It's not even about naivety and youth. Even someone older and with more experience would've possibly not made much of this message.

Still to this day, I hate myself for that, that I was too naive back then and that I couldn't provide any help. I know I shouldn't feel that way, because it wasn't my fault and that I was still too young to comprehend it.

Yes, it wasn't your fault...

 

[Lost Kin]

Same here my "down" phases are now much longer and more pervasive.

I think it's pretty normal to not be that affected if you didn't have a strong emotional connection to him. Imagine if we broke down each and every time we learnt someone had died!

I don't think it's fair to hold yourself to such a high standard. If it was a loved one who confided into you and admitted they didn't feel much when one of their family members (that they weren't close to) died, would you think they'd deserve to have themselves for it?

Self-hate is a plague... I am somewhat hateful towards myself and this has wrecked a lot of good things for me.

From what I understand, this person sent you a message simply stating his love to you. You couldn't have inferred that he was trying to ctb... It's not even about naivety and youth. Even someone older and with more experience would've possibly not made much of this message.

Yes, it wasn't your fault...

All I can say is thank you for your kind words. It rare to hear those words, as sad as it sounds, but thats because I rarely talk about my feelings.

 

[VanillaCake]