Venting Life isn't what I thought it'd be.

[FailGirl]

I never thought I'd make it this far. A little after turning 18, I ran away from an abusive household and became homeless. Due to the instability of my living situation and mental health, I was unemployed for the majority of the time. I ended up enlisting in the military, but was discharged after a couple of months because of a variety of reasons. However, I was rewarded a lifetime monthly compensation/pension (on top of other benefits) for disability, so I was able to move into a rented apartment.

I don't know if this should've been posted in Suicide Discussion or not because I've made it a long way and I'm happy about that--being able to pay all of my bills in full and on time; but it's hard. I don't work, so I live off of my disability. And I earn quite a bit (~$4K), but I still have to calculate my spending.
When I do so, I stop to think 'Wow. I'm an adult.' Like I said, I never thought I'd make it this far, but it's been...

Maybe I need to give it time. Get acclimated to peace. I've only been receiving my disability payments for a couple of months and living in my apartment for less than that. I'd say life is...good. It's better than before. Definitely. But I believe the 'before' has ruined me. Now, I can't 'enjoy' anything. I get happy, but it doesn't last for long.

 

[timf]

Having reach a point of stability can be welcome as well as raise questions about the future. There can be two paths forward from a point of stability. One can dabble with indulgences and sensations. These are usually short lived and can become increasingly less satisfying. This is why the Epicureans measured their pleasure more than the Hedonists.

The Stoics kind of gritted their teeth and pursued virtue. Today one might not need grim faced determination but rather cultivate an appreciation for seeing what you can do for others. For example volunteer work can provide both satisfaction as well as provide a way to meet people socially.

 

[8leveloquenfrn4evr8]

I am sorry your past might have permanently damaged you and prevents you from being able to be happy. I have existed in a similar realm and unfortunately it never does get better. Preparing for death is all that is really left.

 

[intothenight]

You've never had stability, now you do and it feels strange, obviously. It's a change. No matter if a change is good or bad, it takes getting used to.
When I started my last job after being unemployed for a long time, I suffered heavily from impostor syndrome. Co-workers would wish me a good weekend or whatever and I'd feel like I hadn't earned it, not like they had. But of course I did, because I worked just as hard as them. Took me about 6 months to get used to it.

So yeah, give it time. You've got peace, but your mind is still used to the turmoil. Don't stress out over it, allow yourself to get used to the change.

I wish you all the best.