Life is not for me

[FuneralCry]

I have come to the conclusion that I am not meant for this world. There is nothing in this life for me. It has never felt right being alive. I see life as a pointless, unnecessary thing that I have no interest in. There is nothing that would make me want to live. I will never achieve or accomplish anything and I do not want to either. I have never been able to cope with life well, I have always struggled with everything. I am easily upset and overwhelmed and I have low capacity to deal with suffering.

There is no reasons for me to stay and yet it is hard to leave. I see my existence as a mistake. The place I belong is in the nothingness, I was perfectly fine there before I was born. Death is true peace to me. I see death as returning home and it is the only thing that seems right to me. Life is just pain and suffering. I simply do not like experiencing things. I think many of us die inside even know we are still alive. Life has many ways of breaking us down. If there is anything positive about life, it never lasts. If you experience anything positive and it is taken away it just leads to more pain.
I wish it was easier to let go, that is all.
The tiredness I feel is one that no amount of sleep would take away.

 

[goldenvirginia]

I have come to the conclusion that I am not meant for this world. There is nothing in this life for me. It has never felt right being alive. I see life as a pointless, unnecessary thing that I have no interest in. There is nothing that would make me want to live. I will never achieve or accomplish anything and I do not want to either. I have never been able to cope with life well, I have always struggled with everything. I am easily upset and overwhelmed and I have low capacity to deal with suffering.

There is no reasons for me to stay and yet it is hard to leave. I see my existence as a mistake. The place I belong is in the nothingness, I was perfectly fine there before I was born. Death is true peace to me. I see death as returning home and it is the only thing that seems right to me. Life is just pain and suffering. I simply do not like experiencing things. I think many of us die inside even know we are still alive. Life has many ways of breaking us down. If there is anything positive about life, it never lasts. If you experience anything positive and it is taken away it just leads to more pain.
I wish it was easier to let go, that is all.
The tiredness I feel is one that no amount of sleep would take away.

I'm sad you feel like this. I get it though. Struggling through the days when you're so unhappy is so hard. Try and stay strong.

 

[mentalhealthfighter]

I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I always enjoy reading your comments. I hope you stay a little longer, you make my life better. I wish you as much peace as possible before you CTB and I wish you eternal peace forever after my friend

 

[littlelungs]

You put it very well. I've been at odds with myself and my environment since I was a tiny baby, and I've always had this very strong feeling that I'm just not supposed to be here. You know that feeling of being uncomfortable when you go somewhere you know you shouldn't, like being underage in a pub, for example, and you're just kind of waiting for someone to check your ID and kick you out, or you just decide to leave before that can even happen because that uncomfortable feeling and lingering guilt is just too much? That's the kind of feeling I've had my whole life, but instead of being underage in a pub, I just feel like I'm not supposed to be here; I'm not supposed to exist.

I've tried to find a sense of belonging and purpose since I learned to recognize myself in the mirror – it's always been there – and then shit really hit the fan. I came out of it traumatized and borderline, and any real potential for developing a stable sense of self had already been fundamentally damaged. I know that it sounds cliche, but I truly believe that a very significant and critical part of me died when I tried to kill myself when I was 8. My spirit was broken and I just never got it back; I'm a dead (wo)man walking, as they say.

For a while as a kid I had to tell myself that I was really just an alien from an unknown, faraway planet who was sent here to observe; not necessarily because I believed it, but because it made it somewhat easier to manage this feeling I'd always had; this constant longing for a place I could never identify, and struggling to cope with merely being alive in a such a basic way that everyone else seemed to be able to do just fine. I realize now that this feeling of homesickness and longing that I've had my whole life, in combination with this constant feeling of being unwelcome in this world and being so fucking uncomfortable and miserable with basic existence (aside from all of the additional problems that have accumulated over the years), is me simply longing to go back to where I came from before I was brought into this shit-show of a world. It's hard to live, and it's hard to die.

I don't know if that even makes sense, as it's more complicated than it seems and it's a difficult thing to really reflect on... but, as you can probably tell by this point (sorry, sometimes I don't know when to shut up, and I always feel guilty talking about my own experiences on here – just feel constantly guilty for "taking up space"), your words resonate a lot with me. I just want you to know, for whatever it's worth, that there are others out there who understand where you're coming from. It's such a hopeless, isolating and exhausting feeling, and I'm so sorry that it's like this for you, @FuneralCry. From the bottom of my heart, I hope that someday you will get the peace you deserve, no matter where it is.

Also, I enjoy seeing you around here, despite the horrible circumstances. You're a familiar "face" on this forum and from what I gather, you're a very kind and compassionate person, and as far as I'm concerned, we can never have too many people like you. I know it's corny, but sometimes that's just the way it is. We're rooting for you.

 

[Sittichmutter]

I have come to the conclusion that I am not meant for this world. There is nothing in this life for me. It has never felt right being alive. I see life as a pointless, unnecessary thing that I have no interest in. There is nothing that would make me want to live. I will never achieve or accomplish anything and I do not want to either. I have never been able to cope with life well, I have always struggled with everything. I am easily upset and overwhelmed and I have low capacity to deal with suffering.

There is no reasons for me to stay and yet it is hard to leave. I see my existence as a mistake. The place I belong is in the nothingness, I was perfectly fine there before I was born. Death is true peace to me. I see death as returning home and it is the only thing that seems right to me. Life is just pain and suffering. I simply do not like experiencing things. I think many of us die inside even know we are still alive. Life has many ways of breaking us down. If there is anything positive about life, it never lasts. If you experience anything positive and it is taken away it just leads to more pain.
I wish it was easier to let go, that is all.
The tiredness I feel is one that no amount of sleep would take away.

I am sorry you feel this way. I wish you can find a way out of your sorrow and hopelessness. I wish you lots of love and joy. You matter. Please, stay with Us. Depression twist our emotions and perception. But It will pass. Hugs and love for you.

 

[MeltedJello]

You explain my thoughts exactly. Everytime I wake up and before I go to bed, I just wished I were dead. Life has nothing to offer me too, and because I am mentally weak, it really destroys any hope of achieving anything. Being young too, there's so much societal pressures we face just to prove our suffering to other people sometimes, and so, it can add on to the mentally suffering we experience. I believe I'm in a similar situation as you, as we're both waiting for the perfect chance to ctb. It's tough having to wait, because of living at home with family, and its mentally draining having to constantly pretend that you're okay.

I'm really sorry you feel this way. I just hope you can come across more bearable, and peaceful days than these days that bring you this much suffering. Wishing you peace.

 

[Pisceslilith]

I'm sorry you feel that way, hopefully you'll find peace soon. I can totally relate, I dread living so much, life is not appealing at all. There's nothing that could make me want to stay. Sometimes I have fantasies of someone "saving" me but I know that's not realistic at all. I hate this place and I'm so ready to leave. And I agree with everyone else on this thread, it's nice having you around and you are very compassionate.

 

[Existingnotliving]

I feel like this all the time. I actually just think I wasn't meant to be alive. I can't deal with it and I've never wanted it yet I'm here and it fucking sucks. SI always kicks in when I try kill myself because I'm so scared of death. That doesn't mean I want to live at all because I don't. I've thought if I've not managed to kill myself and I end up dying of old age or what ever may get me in the mean time, I'm just as terrified of that. I'm literally so terrified of death it doesn't matter what age it hits me at I'm gonna struggle and be scared either way. So I'd prefer to go now, life is shit and always has been. I've nothing to live for and don't see the point anyway.. Life results in death no matter how you live it, so why prolong my suffering when I know I'm gonna die anyway? Fucking wish I wasn't so scared of death but fuck me 25 years on this earth is more than enough, I wish I'd never been born and I'm angry that I was.

 

[Mistake of Nature]

I see death as returning home and it is the only thing that seems right to me.

This reminded me of this quote from The Good Place:
"Picture a wave. In the ocean. You can see it, measure it, its height, the way the sunlight refracts when it passes through. And it's there. And you can see it, you know what it is. It's a wave.

And then it crashes in the shore and it's gone. But the water is still there. The wave was just a different way for the water to be, for a little while. You know it's one conception of death for Buddhists: the wave returns to the ocean, where it came from and where it's supposed to be."

I'm not religious/spiritual but this way of thinking about death is comforting to me. Life was never meant for me either, and hopefully those of us who want so badly to return home and go back to where we belong are able to do so soon.

 

[meetapple]

It is sad that you are suffering so much. I hope you can find something to distract yourself with to make your suffering less.

 

[ClownMe]

I feel the exact same way, im simply not made for this world, nothing here interests me. I'm sorry you're suffering.

 

[Midgardsorm]

Seeing you so much active here is both joyful and sad.

I see you commenting on everybody's threads, making them feel comfortable seeing as someone can finally comprehend them, something that nearly all people here craved for so long.
Many of us are simply out of this world, feeling overwhelmed, surrounded by people that they simply can't connect to. Then they come here and find you, a gentle post, sometimes a long post, sometimes a very short post, but always gentle and warm.

Seeing you write about your suffering simply breaks my heart. I wish you never had to suffer.

That being said, I want to share something with you, about comments that you probably have heard a thousand times outside of here or maybe even here.

I don't know what kind of life you had or what experiences led you to this, but I think there are people that would simply be against your feelings, because you're young and stuff.

I feel different. Even though I wish I could live, I see life as a right, not an obligation (A phrase from the movie "Sea Inside").
Trying to make someone want to live is like trying to make someone like chocolate.
("Oh my god, You don't like chocolate, that's not possible. I'll make you like it.")

We all have our interests. We all have our choices. It's natural that we experience good things that make we want to keep living, but that's not the case for everyone and even for those who experienced good things in life still might find difficulty to simply enjoy life for a variety of problems.
So, if you ever heard things like: "You're too young for that !" or "Why would you want that ?". Know that there is no age for simply wanting to disappear neither you need to have a reason to die or live. It's always your choice. It's your life.

No one will understand your life better than yourself, so don't try to explain things, especially for those who refuse to understand.

However, I also want to state something. I really wouldn't want to see you leave. It would break my heart, to see such a gentle being leave this existence.
It's rare to see people like you. Maybe that's one of the reasons you want to leave, there is simply no one that you can relate to.

But in the end, it's always your choice. Know that the day you leave, a whole world will shed tears. Certainly, I will.

Sorry for the long post. I see you post a lot here but we never talked, so I took this opportunity to say this to you.
May you find happiness. Existing or not, I wish you all the happiness ever.

Be well, FuneralCry.

 

[suisuiforum]

I'm sorry you are feeling this way, I can relate to this and a lot of other posts that you've made here as well. I wish life was better for you and that you didn't have to experience this type of suffering.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Thank you for replying to my posts. It can be quite lonely sometimes, I appreciate that you're one of the people who always seems to be there. I'm sorry that you feel this way about life, I wish I could change that for you. May I ask, why do you feel that it's hard for you to leave?

 

[JFED]

I have come to the conclusion that I am not meant for this world. There is nothing in this life for me. It has never felt right being alive. I see life as a pointless, unnecessary thing that I have no interest in. There is nothing that would make me want to live. I will never achieve or accomplish anything and I do not want to either. I have never been able to cope with life well, I have always struggled with everything. I am easily upset and overwhelmed and I have low capacity to deal with suffering.

There is no reasons for me to stay and yet it is hard to leave. I see my existence as a mistake. The place I belong is in the nothingness, I was perfectly fine there before I was born. Death is true peace to me. I see death as returning home and it is the only thing that seems right to me. Life is just pain and suffering. I simply do not like experiencing things. I think many of us die inside even know we are still alive. Life has many ways of breaking us down. If there is anything positive about life, it never lasts. If you experience anything positive and it is taken away it just leads to more pain.
I wish it was easier to let go, that is all.
The tiredness I feel is one that no amount of sleep would take away.

I know this feeling. Know that you aren't alone.

 

[Amumu]

Never made for me either. I'll die anonymously and alone after my last grandparent dies. Too much suffering.

 

[SuicideRun]

For as long as I can remember I have always felt out of time, out of place, too much empathy for things that go wrong. And I've been pretending to be comfortable inside for years, and pretending costs a lot of energy. I am tired, very tired. Resisting no longer makes sense, the dark black eats me every day. I'm so tired of opening my eyes every day.

 

[czx85]

Thank you funeral cry, for offering compassion and comfort to everyone when they are so blue. You are such kind and gentle soul, which deserves a painless environment

 

[deadverysoon]

I have come to the conclusion that I am not meant for this world. There is nothing in this life for me. It has never felt right being alive. I see life as a pointless, unnecessary thing that I have no interest in. There is nothing that would make me want to live. I will never achieve or accomplish anything and I do not want to either. I have never been able to cope with life well, I have always struggled with everything. I am easily upset and overwhelmed and I have low capacity to deal with suffering.

There is no reasons for me to stay and yet it is hard to leave. I see my existence as a mistake. The place I belong is in the nothingness, I was perfectly fine there before I was born. Death is true peace to me. I see death as returning home and it is the only thing that seems right to me. Life is just pain and suffering. I simply do not like experiencing things. I think many of us die inside even know we are still alive. Life has many ways of breaking us down. If there is anything positive about life, it never lasts. If you experience anything positive and it is taken away it just leads to more pain.
I wish it was easier to let go, that is all.
The tiredness I feel is one that no amount of sleep would take away.

you had some nice words for me and that made me feel better for some time.

im sorry that you are going through that pain.

my inbox is always open. and as long as i dont finish my ctb i will answer you asap.

 

[FuneralCry]

Thank you for replying to my posts. It can be quite lonely sometimes, I appreciate that you're one of the people who always seems to be there. I'm sorry that you feel this way about life, I wish I could change that for you. May I ask, why do you feel that it's hard for you to leave?

I think in my case, for me to actually ctb, I believe I will need to reach a point of desperation and hopelessness to overcome the survival instinct. It is hard to leave this world as we are programmed to survive. If it was easier, I would have been gone a long time ago.

 

[newave3]

Well @FuneralCry if it's any consolation, it's obvious you are very well liked by everyone on this forum. I hope that thought gives you some relief from your suffering. 55 reactions as I write this. Amazing.