life feels so insane and unreal lately and i don´t have anyone to tell this stuff so i´m just gonna share it here.
- on monday my socialworker called the ambulance and police on me to get me admitted to the psychward because i told him my plans on ctb someday in the following 2-3 weeks. we talked about this before and also in pretty explicit detail so i was sort of suprised of his reaction. he is/was the most important person to me for the last 6 month and i felt so betrayed and hurt in that moment, that i don´t know if i can trust him again (well maybe this won´t be relevant because, as i said, i think i´m going to ctb soon)
- at the psych ward i had to fully undress myself for the first time because they were very suspicious about me smuggleing (english is not my first language so i don´t know if this word is right/does exist lol) razor blades into it. i´ve never been controlled like this before and it just feels really weird that i just moved on from it like it was nothing (+ i actually managed to smuggle an old razor blade in my shoe but it wasn´t sharp anymore so it was useless but i felt kind of proud because they didn´t catched it)
- i lied my ass of and told them basically that my socialworker is overreacting and lying so i got to go home the following day
- my meds arrived and now i have everything i need to do it, which feels kind of weird and it makes me nervous. but in the last couple days i kind of overcame the fear of death and the thought to ctb makes me look forward to do it, which is also kind of weird
- i´ve met up with my friend for (maybe) the last time. he obviously doesn´t know it but it is a really strange feeling to hug someone goodbye when you think it´s gonna be a goodbye for forever
in the meantime while i´ve been having a horrible time i was a lot on instagram to distract myself and it´s just wild that other people who i once counted as my friends are now living in almost a parallel universe. they are going on vacations or just enjoying the sun while i´m planning my last days. the immense difference is just insane to me. i really can´t put it into words how insane and surreal everything feels. on of these people is actually in some way still my friend but a very shitty one. she knows that i´m struggleing extremly with depression/suicidal thoughts/suicidal actions. but she seems to really not care and instead is focused on her vacations with her other friends etc. . 2 weeks ago was my birthday and this is always one of the most difficult days of the year but since i tried to ctb on my birthday last year, it´s been way more challenging to just survive and not try it again this year. my friend knows that but nonetheless she forgot my birthday and hasn´t messaged me/checked up on me since.
now to my last point: i´ve got an ed and want to relapse pretty bad because of the unbearable self-hatred. i think this is my brain trying to cling on to life and distract me with silly dumb things so it gets to survive but nevertheless it feels so insane to have this urge right now when i´m literally about to end it all anyway. like, how my body looks should be one of the least problems to overthink right know but it still happens. i´m actually a little afraid that my ed will get the overhand over my thoughts so i don´t ctb but instead will focus on relapsing. i need some kind of state of mind in which i acutally am able to ctb and if my ed gets stronger i might not get in the right mindset, do you know what i mean? i hope so so so much i´m able to ctb in the next 2 weeks because i still live with my mum and she is away for the next 2 weeks and i won´t get that good of an opportunity anytime soon again.
sorry if things didn´t made sense and also sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes. i think i just needed to get this of my chest and out of my brain
- on monday my socialworker called the ambulance and police on me to get me admitted to the psychward because i told him my plans on ctb someday in the following 2-3 weeks. we talked about this before and also in pretty explicit detail so i was sort of suprised of his reaction. he is/was the most important person to me for the last 6 month and i felt so betrayed and hurt in that moment, that i don´t know if i can trust him again (well maybe this won´t be relevant because, as i said, i think i´m going to ctb soon)
- at the psych ward i had to fully undress myself for the first time because they were very suspicious about me smuggleing (english is not my first language so i don´t know if this word is right/does exist lol) razor blades into it. i´ve never been controlled like this before and it just feels really weird that i just moved on from it like it was nothing (+ i actually managed to smuggle an old razor blade in my shoe but it wasn´t sharp anymore so it was useless but i felt kind of proud because they didn´t catched it)
- i lied my ass of and told them basically that my socialworker is overreacting and lying so i got to go home the following day
- my meds arrived and now i have everything i need to do it, which feels kind of weird and it makes me nervous. but in the last couple days i kind of overcame the fear of death and the thought to ctb makes me look forward to do it, which is also kind of weird
- i´ve met up with my friend for (maybe) the last time. he obviously doesn´t know it but it is a really strange feeling to hug someone goodbye when you think it´s gonna be a goodbye for forever
in the meantime while i´ve been having a horrible time i was a lot on instagram to distract myself and it´s just wild that other people who i once counted as my friends are now living in almost a parallel universe. they are going on vacations or just enjoying the sun while i´m planning my last days. the immense difference is just insane to me. i really can´t put it into words how insane and surreal everything feels. on of these people is actually in some way still my friend but a very shitty one. she knows that i´m struggleing extremly with depression/suicidal thoughts/suicidal actions. but she seems to really not care and instead is focused on her vacations with her other friends etc. . 2 weeks ago was my birthday and this is always one of the most difficult days of the year but since i tried to ctb on my birthday last year, it´s been way more challenging to just survive and not try it again this year. my friend knows that but nonetheless she forgot my birthday and hasn´t messaged me/checked up on me since.
now to my last point: i´ve got an ed and want to relapse pretty bad because of the unbearable self-hatred. i think this is my brain trying to cling on to life and distract me with silly dumb things so it gets to survive but nevertheless it feels so insane to have this urge right now when i´m literally about to end it all anyway. like, how my body looks should be one of the least problems to overthink right know but it still happens. i´m actually a little afraid that my ed will get the overhand over my thoughts so i don´t ctb but instead will focus on relapsing. i need some kind of state of mind in which i acutally am able to ctb and if my ed gets stronger i might not get in the right mindset, do you know what i mean? i hope so so so much i´m able to ctb in the next 2 weeks because i still live with my mum and she is away for the next 2 weeks and i won´t get that good of an opportunity anytime soon again.
sorry if things didn´t made sense and also sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes. i think i just needed to get this of my chest and out of my brain
