LemonadeArc
L'Arc
- Sep 11, 2023
- 11
In late february I took the bet and finally managed to gather the words I needed. I came out to my mother, as a trans woman. The scenarios I made thousands of times were wrong, I was fortunate enough and she promised her full support. Later on I made the mistake of wearing some skimpy clothes to sleep, and next morning Mother discovered the scars I hid through years, she was appalled and I had to confort her and continuosly say how sorry I was, there I thought she might have actually comprehended how much I needed her support. But life is still the same, nothing changed, I keep feeling like the wreck I truly am, I know things won't be solved in less than two months, but as big as the step was, now is just a constant stalemate, it is like nothing ever happened. Now I'm going to seek higher education, medschool to be precise, but I'm not very passionate about it, I just feel it like some kind of atonement for some foolish sin, or some vague memories of playing Trauma Center when I was severely depressed taking the stage. I could have pursued any kind of art if I wanted but doing any of that is just heavy for me, grabbing a pen is for me the same as trying to lift steel beams, even writing this is a chore I cannot bear. I don't see myself functioning correctly in university, people tend to say this is the place where you can wear your true face, but that is not true for me, a face is the lesser part of who I should be. Waking up and seeing my face on the mirror, scarred by all the turmoil time chanted upon me, I don't think I can live with it any further. Mother promised me a future, but to this day I'm just running out of time, my movement so sluggish and my will just gone. I don't see myself finishing one year of career, not even the actual year, every path I see leads to an early death and me being another statistic.
