shinitai_sh0jo
Is it so selfish to want to feel a little better?
- Dec 30, 2023
- 102
I got two tattoos on my arms this beginning on the month. It's supposed to be a sign to support myself, and to recall me of how much my family supports me and all the same shit-but is tough to actually believe it when I remember I'm not trusted enough even to be alone (not that I don't understand it) and their last reaction when I took two days more to tell about my self-harm episode.
Is it normal to forget that your family around you love you because you're just you? Because i'm pretty sure I shouldn't feel so apathetic over how they might feel the intense grief of losing someone. The only thing I can feel when thinking about my own ctb, is how I'm tired of feeling so much pain and spending so much time awake and unable to sleep because of people who don't even remember me anymore, and actual rage, for how I always have to put other people's feelings before mine. It's always "your mom is going to miss you", "your family is going to miss you", "It would be way too selfish with all the support we've been giving you." "What else do we have to do for you to stop it?" when even myself don't have the answer. I feel the urge of getting angry with my own mother for her to have decided to "have a family" just so she wouldn't be lonely-how she didn't even consider that the person she would bring to this fucked up world would just have the same suicidal thoughts she did-and for her to not be able to even understand it.
She could've adopted someone. Waited and tried to get her college done, to get stable and meet someone better than the asshole that is my biological father.
Or even killed herself.
if she did, she wouldn't have to deal with her parents who ruined her life.
and I'd never been born.
It's a pretty dark shit, so idk if I'll even agree with this tomorrow. But I know that, for more that I deny it, part of my problems are her fault.
I'm sure I probably shoudn't blame anyone for giving birth to a child.
but I just don't know. She keeps pulling the blame to herself a lot of times with me not even saying anything. I got the "blame-myself-for-everything" from her, in the end.
I guess I wish I could just make people hate me before I died. Then, everyone would be too upset or angry to care and feel bad that I'd be gone.
Is it normal to forget that your family around you love you because you're just you? Because i'm pretty sure I shouldn't feel so apathetic over how they might feel the intense grief of losing someone. The only thing I can feel when thinking about my own ctb, is how I'm tired of feeling so much pain and spending so much time awake and unable to sleep because of people who don't even remember me anymore, and actual rage, for how I always have to put other people's feelings before mine. It's always "your mom is going to miss you", "your family is going to miss you", "It would be way too selfish with all the support we've been giving you." "What else do we have to do for you to stop it?" when even myself don't have the answer. I feel the urge of getting angry with my own mother for her to have decided to "have a family" just so she wouldn't be lonely-how she didn't even consider that the person she would bring to this fucked up world would just have the same suicidal thoughts she did-and for her to not be able to even understand it.
She could've adopted someone. Waited and tried to get her college done, to get stable and meet someone better than the asshole that is my biological father.
Or even killed herself.
if she did, she wouldn't have to deal with her parents who ruined her life.
and I'd never been born.
It's a pretty dark shit, so idk if I'll even agree with this tomorrow. But I know that, for more that I deny it, part of my problems are her fault.
I'm sure I probably shoudn't blame anyone for giving birth to a child.
but I just don't know. She keeps pulling the blame to herself a lot of times with me not even saying anything. I got the "blame-myself-for-everything" from her, in the end.
I guess I wish I could just make people hate me before I died. Then, everyone would be too upset or angry to care and feel bad that I'd be gone.
