AnimeSlayersFan
Student
- Jul 18, 2025
- 125
Well, we are at a crossroads again here, the people around me want to help me, but at the same time, they reinforce to me the idea that life is suffering and toil and work.
Wouldn't it make more sense to... You know, kill yourself anyways? If you feel that it's "not worth all the hassle"? That's what I'm starting to feel now, my uncle is 40something, and my mom I think close to 50, they both complain about how hard life was for them and them both weren't satisfied by it, lots of people tell me that, my dying grandma says the same shit.
So really, right now, as I need to "get better", I will need to face a lot of hardships, I will need to go outside more often, partake in activities/therapy, all while my mom is bitching at me cause I'm leeching off of her, while I say I wanna get better. But then, as I get better I also have more and more responsibilities. Which I find just as an IDEA hard to handle.
Working a regular job and being stressed, or like trying to come up with some idea to run a bussiness, and then the toil of actually running it day by day.
Just that, coping with all that shit has me worried a ton, life itself as it is, do you think it's worth it? Not worth it? Isn't it fucking boring? Isn't it torture? I was feeling bad leeching off my mom and being depressed all day at home, but, is that that bad? And now, I can't keep doing it though, I need to find other things to do. Can't we have it like in japan where you can live in a manga café and sleep there for cheap? I think I'm too lazy for life, my dad was a mess and a drug addict and still is. And I'm starting to understand why. My copes are just more "digital" than his, but oh god, not that different now that I realize it, he used to bum around and was even homeless at one point.
Is that maybe a life that's easier on the body and soul? A life where you live in like a van or a car, or just crash somewhere and eat cheap food? The only thing that worries me is like my privacy, being on the street means you are never "alone".
But that's what I want, a bubble, where I'll be isolated, and entertained, then maybe I kill myself.
I figured out, AGAIN as I did when I was like 17-18 that toiling in work is something to dread, maybe dread enough to die for? I don't know.... Of course if I could find a job that I would know is deeply satisfying to me, that I can do and live on that salary and not feel exhausted and stressed everyday.
Yes, it is escapism in a way, tuning out of society, but wouldn't it be nice? If you have online to connect with people and you just do that? Oh god if I found an alternative way to do things in which I didn't need to suffer so much. Because what I for-see for my future is just a ton of pain and suffering, with random rewards sprinkled in along the way.
Tonight I will be happy, I will go to some random chat and roleplay, then, I might conjure up another kind of "escapism" that I can easily consume while outside, something that's "good enough" for me for now. But then, I'm totally lost on the rest, on what to do, how to get a job, keep it, pay bills and live out my life, I feel lazy really, the reward not worth the effort.
What do you guys think about life? If you are at the bottom and you got better, would it suddenly everything become "okay" and that's it? Or is it just the fantasy of a great possible life that keeps you going? Mundane feels like HELL to me.
Wouldn't it make more sense to... You know, kill yourself anyways? If you feel that it's "not worth all the hassle"? That's what I'm starting to feel now, my uncle is 40something, and my mom I think close to 50, they both complain about how hard life was for them and them both weren't satisfied by it, lots of people tell me that, my dying grandma says the same shit.
So really, right now, as I need to "get better", I will need to face a lot of hardships, I will need to go outside more often, partake in activities/therapy, all while my mom is bitching at me cause I'm leeching off of her, while I say I wanna get better. But then, as I get better I also have more and more responsibilities. Which I find just as an IDEA hard to handle.
Working a regular job and being stressed, or like trying to come up with some idea to run a bussiness, and then the toil of actually running it day by day.
Just that, coping with all that shit has me worried a ton, life itself as it is, do you think it's worth it? Not worth it? Isn't it fucking boring? Isn't it torture? I was feeling bad leeching off my mom and being depressed all day at home, but, is that that bad? And now, I can't keep doing it though, I need to find other things to do. Can't we have it like in japan where you can live in a manga café and sleep there for cheap? I think I'm too lazy for life, my dad was a mess and a drug addict and still is. And I'm starting to understand why. My copes are just more "digital" than his, but oh god, not that different now that I realize it, he used to bum around and was even homeless at one point.
Is that maybe a life that's easier on the body and soul? A life where you live in like a van or a car, or just crash somewhere and eat cheap food? The only thing that worries me is like my privacy, being on the street means you are never "alone".
But that's what I want, a bubble, where I'll be isolated, and entertained, then maybe I kill myself.
I figured out, AGAIN as I did when I was like 17-18 that toiling in work is something to dread, maybe dread enough to die for? I don't know.... Of course if I could find a job that I would know is deeply satisfying to me, that I can do and live on that salary and not feel exhausted and stressed everyday.
Yes, it is escapism in a way, tuning out of society, but wouldn't it be nice? If you have online to connect with people and you just do that? Oh god if I found an alternative way to do things in which I didn't need to suffer so much. Because what I for-see for my future is just a ton of pain and suffering, with random rewards sprinkled in along the way.
Tonight I will be happy, I will go to some random chat and roleplay, then, I might conjure up another kind of "escapism" that I can easily consume while outside, something that's "good enough" for me for now. But then, I'm totally lost on the rest, on what to do, how to get a job, keep it, pay bills and live out my life, I feel lazy really, the reward not worth the effort.
What do you guys think about life? If you are at the bottom and you got better, would it suddenly everything become "okay" and that's it? Or is it just the fantasy of a great possible life that keeps you going? Mundane feels like HELL to me.
