Venting letting go of the fantasy

[february in alaska]

I've had moments of regret or hesitation when thinking about the fact that I'm actually going to be catching the bus within the next few months and I've been writing it off as pure SI, but I think it's actually just regret over a fantasy of a life that I never had/never would have had. Like, I've spent my entire life daydreaming and fantasizing about being someone else, about living somewhere else, about being different or being this or having that. Pure escapism from my actual life. And in my mind that ideal world exists, a life where I would've been happy or where I would've wanted to stay alive

And while I'm preparing for the end, sometimes it really feels like I'm grieving for that fantasy of a life that was never really mine to begin with

 

[Lookoutbelow]

I've had moments of regret or hesitation when thinking about the fact that I'm actually going to be catching the bus within the next few months and I've been writing it off as pure SI, but I think it's actually just regret over a fantasy of a life that I never had/never would have had. Like, I've spent my entire life daydreaming and fantasizing about being someone else, about living somewhere else, about being different or being this or having that. Pure escapism from my actual life. And in my mind that ideal world exists, a life where I would've been happy or where I would've wanted to stay alive

And while I'm preparing for the end, sometimes it really feels like I'm grieving for that fantasy of a life that was never really mine to begin with

Well said.

 

[leavingsoon99]

I've had moments of regret or hesitation when thinking about the fact that I'm actually going to be catching the bus within the next few months and I've been writing it off as pure SI, but I think it's actually just regret over a fantasy of a life that I never had/never would have had. Like, I've spent my entire life daydreaming and fantasizing about being someone else, about living somewhere else, about being different or being this or having that. Pure escapism from my actual life. And in my mind that ideal world exists, a life where I would've been happy or where I would've wanted to stay alive

And while I'm preparing for the end, sometimes it really feels like I'm grieving for that fantasy of a life that was never really mine to begin with

God, this describes me. I envisioned a life totally different from what it turned out to be. Like you, I daydreamed a life that never was (and probably never could've been.) A life where I was happy. A life where I was loved. A life where I mattered. I guess we're in the same boat. Most, if not all, of my hope that I too passed off as SI was just trying so desperately to realize at least part of what is now just a fantasy. To meet that woman who will love me. To meet those people I'd help. Only to realize that it will never be. That world can never be in this reality. Part of my hope is that I can live that fantasy in another life.

I hope so. Good luck to you.

 

[february in alaska]

God, this describes me. I envisioned a life totally different from what it turned out to be. Like you, I daydreamed a life that never was (and probably never could've been.) A life where I was happy. A life where I was loved. A life where I mattered. I guess we're in the same boat. Most, if not all, of my hope that I too passed off as SI was just trying so desperately to realize at least part of what is now just a fantasy. To meet that woman who will love me. To meet those people I'd help. Only to realize that it will never be. That world can never be in this reality. Part of my hope is that I can live that fantasy in another life.

I hope so. Good luck to you.

At least it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. Good luck to you too. For my sake, for your sake, for the sake of anyone who managed to end up on this site, I hope the other side is brighter and kinder than this life has ever been to us

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i've noticed your name many times. kept thinking it was so familiar. i just realized it was lalena (song)

 

[134340]

Me too. I always think about ways things could've gone differently. What if i hadn't gone through this or done this or developed this or that. When I was first developing serious mental health issues (around age 12-13), I would obsessively write my future life plans in my journal. Colleges, majors, jobs (i wanted to be a journalist! Lol). It was like somehow I knew these aspirations were slipping through my hands already. Sometimes I read the entries back and grieve the girl I was and could've been. It makes sense that you would feel this way. You're definitely not alone in it.

God, this describes me. I envisioned a life totally different from what it turned out to be. Like you, I daydreamed a life that never was (and probably never could've been.) A life where I was happy. A life where I was loved. A life where I mattered. I guess we're in the same boat. Most, if not all, of my hope that I too passed off as SI was just trying so desperately to realize at least part of what is now just a fantasy. To meet that woman who will love me. To meet those people I'd help. Only to realize that it will never be. That world can never be in this reality. Part of my hope is that I can live that fantasy in another life.

I hope so. Good luck to you.

I've always believed that what happens on the other side/in another life/whatever you believe happens after you die is personalized to each person, whatever they envision it to be. I just hope we all get the peace we deserve.

 

[february in alaska]

i've noticed your name many times. kept thinking it was so familiar. i just realized it was lalena (song)

I've never heard it haha, I'm guessing it's the one by Deep Purple? Yelena isn't my real name, but it's a name I've always loved

 

[suicidalgirl96]

I really relate to the daydreaming, I would spend hours and hours pacing up and down while imagining a life that wasn't mine, I wasn't me. I think it's what got me through most days, just blocking out my reality.
It sucks so much, I'm so sorry. Wishing you all the best <3

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

I've never heard it haha, I'm guessing it's the one by Deep Purple? Yelena isn't my real name, but it's a name I've always loved

it is. i used to listen to it a lot. doesn't have to be your real name.. be surprised if anyone does. elena ia the name of a long time friend. first gf was called elaina. weird.
i appreciate you looking up that old song btw

 

[february in alaska]

I really relate to the daydreaming, I would spend hours and hours pacing up and down while imagining a life that wasn't mine, I wasn't me. I think it's what got me through most days, just blocking out my reality.
It sucks so much, I'm so sorry. Wishing you all the best <3

Living vicariously through a daydream is so bittersweet, everything gets as top-tier perfect as you can imagine but you're always gonna come crashing back down eventually. Man, it's hard. But thank you, best of luck to you too. I hope things get better for all of us someday

 

[leavingsoon99]

At least it's nice to know I'm not the only one who feels like this. Good luck to you too. For my sake, for your sake, for the sake of anyone who managed to end up on this site, I hope the other side is brighter and kinder than this life has ever been to us

You just articulated something that has kept me from ctb for so long. This dumb belief that it might get better. Life has a funny way of giving you just enough delusion to keep holding onto nothing. This post gave me all the clarity I need to go forward. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. I'm going through with it.

 

[letmejoindeath]

The system is designed to keep us in the class we were born in with the illusion of hope. We are only entitled to "the pursuit of happiness" not actual happiness.

That way the upper and middle class kids can feel like they earned something while the lower class subsidizes all of them.

Who else is going to work all the shit jobs barely scraping by while their parents pay their way through college and they live at home until their 25?

Don't waste your time on a college degree or trade unless you already know for sure you will get the job. Nepotism and affirmative action are the only way to make it. Nothing is based on merit in this Country.

 

[leavingsoon99]

The system is designed to keep us in the class we were born in with the illusion of hope. We are only entitled to "the pursuit of happiness" not actual happiness.

That way the upper and middle class kids can feel like they earned something while the lower class subsidizes all of them.

Who else is going to work all the shit jobs barely scraping by while their parents pay their way through college and they live at home until their 25?

Don't waste your time on a college degree or trade unless you already know for sure you will get the job. Nepotism and affirmative action are the only way to make it. Nothing is based on merit in this Country.

The fact that happiness is more a carrot to be dangled rather than a deeply held value to the human says everything about this life.

 

[avaruus]

I've had moments of regret or hesitation when thinking about the fact that I'm actually going to be catching the bus within the next few months and I've been writing it off as pure SI, but I think it's actually just regret over a fantasy of a life that I never had/never would have had. Like, I've spent my entire life daydreaming and fantasizing about being someone else, about living somewhere else, about being different or being this or having that. Pure escapism from my actual life. And in my mind that ideal world exists, a life where I would've been happy or where I would've wanted to stay alive

And while I'm preparing for the end, sometimes it really feels like I'm grieving for that fantasy of a life that was never really mine to begin with

God, this describes me. I envisioned a life totally different from what it turned out to be. Like you, I daydreamed a life that never was (and probably never could've been.) A life where I was happy. A life where I was loved. A life where I mattered. I guess we're in the same boat. Most, if not all, of my hope that I too passed off as SI was just trying so desperately to realize at least part of what is now just a fantasy. To meet that woman who will love me. To meet those people I'd help. Only to realize that it will never be. That world can never be in this reality. Part of my hope is that I can live that fantasy in another life.

I hope so. Good luck to you.

Yeah, i can totally relate about the 'daydreaming' thing. I've had so many fantazies over the years of living as someone completely different.

For the most part of this year, i've had a fantasy where i'm a handsome 34 year millionare living in Switzerland, i have 4 kids, 2 girls and 2 boys and a loving wife.
People look up to me and i have many friends and connections.

Then at times, i wake up and come to the brutal realization that i'm a 20 year old loser neet from Finland, without anykind of social connections.

For the last couple of months i've been slowly waking up from this 'daydream', for some reason i cannot keep the fantasy going on. The reality has hit me hard in the face.

Which is why i cannot take it anymore, i need to go.

 

[february in alaska]

The system is designed to keep us in the class we were born in with the illusion of hope. We are only entitled to "the pursuit of happiness" not actual happiness.

That way the upper and middle class kids can feel like they earned something while the lower class subsidizes all of them.

Who else is going to work all the shit jobs barely scraping by while their parents pay their way through college and they live at home until their 25?

Don't waste your time on a college degree or trade unless you already know for sure you will get the job. Nepotism and affirmative action are the only way to make it. Nothing is based on merit in this Country.

Yep. Living under capitalism has been a huge factor in my apathy towards everything and my motivation to CTB. I used to be massively into politics and advocating for change but it all just makes me violently suicidal these days. Had to watch my dad get hate crimed, constantly watching my mom living paycheck to paycheck, thinking about my friend who died because they couldn't afford medical treatment. Seriously. How is this living? Nothing ever changes. The idea of working myself to the bone and repaying debt and being another cog in the system with only a tiny sliver of hope that I'll be able to retire someday is fucking horrific to me

It's ironic. Even just basic survival is difficult, but once you say you want to die, suddenly you're not allowed to. I mean, they won't try to change the system or make life more bearable in any substantial way, but god forbid we put ourselves out of our misery

You just articulated something that has kept me from ctb for so long. This dumb belief that it might get better. Life has a funny way of giving you just enough delusion to keep holding onto nothing. This post gave me all the clarity I need to go forward. I wish you luck in whatever you decide to do. I'm going through with it.

I know how it feels. I'm so sorry. Good luck to you too, seriously. I hope you find peace however you can

For the last couple of months i've been slowly waking up from this 'daydream', for some reason i cannot keep the fantasy going on. The reality has hit me hard in the face.

Which is why i cannot take it anymore, i need to go.

"Waking up from this daydream" describes how I feel perfectly. Some of my fondest memories exist only in my imagination. That sucks. This sucks. I wish things were different.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The more I look at CTB just like any other exciting goal, the more desirable it becomes to me. The thought of being able to sleep forever conjures up so much endorphins and urge in me, much in the way working preparing for a nice expensive vacation does.

 

[february in alaska]

The more I look at CTB just like any other exciting goal, the more desirable it becomes to me. The thought of being able to sleep forever conjures up so much endorphins and urge in me, much in the way working preparing for a nice expensive vacation does.

This is such an interesting way of looking at it. I've always been an anxious person so the thought of this big date looming over me has not been super fun. This sounds stupid but I've personally been imagining it like a video game, and when the day comes around I'll just need to turn the game off and go to sleep. Easy as that