nonexistance
Member
- Jun 16, 2018
- 40
I kept hoping I will find closure with the world, that I would reach a state in which I would know for sure that I want to die, with no hesitation, day after day. That might never happen and if I want to choose a rational suicide, I will have to work around that illusion.
Even if I were old, crippled, poor, lonely and in pain, I would still hesitate to end it, because something good might happen the next day. I would meet someone with whom I would laugh a lot or something and that would somehow make the whole thing worth it. That illusion will never go away, even if I am aware that it is an illusion. It's a glitch I have to work around. I will feel like I have an unfinished business and an undefined hope till the very end. It is what it is. Now, even if my desires do come true they will fade away and they will make my suicide even harder, since they will make me cling to life.
There is not a single day from my life which I would like to live again. And I usually lived life "my way", I traveled a lot, I had a lot of spare time, etc.. I have what would be called a good life, maybe even an "awesome" life from some standards. And yet - not one single day that I would live again. None. The best days I had were days in which I was under the illusion of hope (working hard while expecting a reward, traveling to an event expecting it to be great, getting to know a person hoping for some romantic "happily ever after" etc). And now I'm not that young anymore, so whatever comes now - it can't be that good. My "best case scenario" at this point is for me to befriend other like-minded people (philosophical pessimists) with which I would laugh a lot and have intellectual conversations, mixed with a lot of traveling as a way of escapism and a very graceful and healthy aging. Chances of that happening are low and would fade into ennui, suffering and old age regardless.
But my brain refuses to understand that so my strategy around it (since I cannot cancel it) is to simply think that the chances of it happening are too low - say 5% with a level of satisfaction of mild intensity, with the rest of the probability 95% of suffering, ennui, misanthropy, loneliness, aging, etc. So why gamble?
Another problem I have regarding suicide and closure is that I will not know that it worked. I will perform the hardest action a man can perform and there will be no reward in me knowing that I did it. None. All the struggle, zero the reward.
So yes. It will be a frustrating end, full of mixed feelings and uncertainty. It is what it is. I will have no deal with it.
This imperfect, frustrating, hard and torturous end is the best I can get. It is what it is.
Even if I were old, crippled, poor, lonely and in pain, I would still hesitate to end it, because something good might happen the next day. I would meet someone with whom I would laugh a lot or something and that would somehow make the whole thing worth it. That illusion will never go away, even if I am aware that it is an illusion. It's a glitch I have to work around. I will feel like I have an unfinished business and an undefined hope till the very end. It is what it is. Now, even if my desires do come true they will fade away and they will make my suicide even harder, since they will make me cling to life.
There is not a single day from my life which I would like to live again. And I usually lived life "my way", I traveled a lot, I had a lot of spare time, etc.. I have what would be called a good life, maybe even an "awesome" life from some standards. And yet - not one single day that I would live again. None. The best days I had were days in which I was under the illusion of hope (working hard while expecting a reward, traveling to an event expecting it to be great, getting to know a person hoping for some romantic "happily ever after" etc). And now I'm not that young anymore, so whatever comes now - it can't be that good. My "best case scenario" at this point is for me to befriend other like-minded people (philosophical pessimists) with which I would laugh a lot and have intellectual conversations, mixed with a lot of traveling as a way of escapism and a very graceful and healthy aging. Chances of that happening are low and would fade into ennui, suffering and old age regardless.
But my brain refuses to understand that so my strategy around it (since I cannot cancel it) is to simply think that the chances of it happening are too low - say 5% with a level of satisfaction of mild intensity, with the rest of the probability 95% of suffering, ennui, misanthropy, loneliness, aging, etc. So why gamble?
Another problem I have regarding suicide and closure is that I will not know that it worked. I will perform the hardest action a man can perform and there will be no reward in me knowing that I did it. None. All the struggle, zero the reward.
So yes. It will be a frustrating end, full of mixed feelings and uncertainty. It is what it is. I will have no deal with it.
This imperfect, frustrating, hard and torturous end is the best I can get. It is what it is.
