broken_songbird
Member
- Aug 27, 2022
- 65
The closer I got to my ctb date of 08/08, the more I could feel myself letting go. I was tying up loose ends, getting rid of things, acquiring supplies, finalizing plans. But even during the non-busy times, I found myself not really wanting anything. Not even the crutches I've used for years or the recent vices in which I've indulged. I wanted to finish putting together some thank you cards and a gift for the most important someone, but I had no desire to feed the birds or do yoga. I didn't want to get a beer and play guitar, or smoke cigarettes. I didn't long for the comfort of sharing a laugh or the feeling of a man's hands on me. I didn't want to eat french fries or sugar. I didn't want to smoke weed. The sugar and weed were by far the most surprising. There was a peace that washed over me, knowing things were going to be better.
It took a few days to feel angry about missing the date. When I postponed my plan, I didn't realize I had missed my courage arc. Such a rookie mistake. When it finally sunk in that my brain had tricked me into survival AGAIN, I was fucking pissed off. I was so pissed off I thought maybe enough of a fire had ignited within me to prolong this struggle for another five years like the last time I allowed myself to be distracted. My renewed energy wrestled furiously against my awareness of how unwanted I am.
II: Diphens don't bring sleep.
Restless legs. Cigarette strolls.
Nobody to call.
Ghost finished business.
Binge Jeopardy on YouTube.
Feelings. Weed. Repeat. :ll
It's only been a couple weeks and the anger has already left. Sadness, numbness and acceptance are moving back in along with a (meta)hope that I can still follow through reasonably soon. It feels like I'm letting go again. My energy has decreased and my motivation to eat or even leave the bed is rapidly declining. My guitar had to be sold and I'm not even sad about it. Perhaps she was the final straw.
Tomorrow morning I'll move back into my car after several months in a hotel. This will mean more sun exposure which brings the possibility of mood elevation and unwarranted optimism. But I've taken measures to try and minimize that.
Once I work through the remaining residue of my attachment to understanding why this is the only reasonable goal for a person like me, hopefully it will be over.
It took a few days to feel angry about missing the date. When I postponed my plan, I didn't realize I had missed my courage arc. Such a rookie mistake. When it finally sunk in that my brain had tricked me into survival AGAIN, I was fucking pissed off. I was so pissed off I thought maybe enough of a fire had ignited within me to prolong this struggle for another five years like the last time I allowed myself to be distracted. My renewed energy wrestled furiously against my awareness of how unwanted I am.
II: Diphens don't bring sleep.
Restless legs. Cigarette strolls.
Nobody to call.
Ghost finished business.
Binge Jeopardy on YouTube.
Feelings. Weed. Repeat. :ll
It's only been a couple weeks and the anger has already left. Sadness, numbness and acceptance are moving back in along with a (meta)hope that I can still follow through reasonably soon. It feels like I'm letting go again. My energy has decreased and my motivation to eat or even leave the bed is rapidly declining. My guitar had to be sold and I'm not even sad about it. Perhaps she was the final straw.
Tomorrow morning I'll move back into my car after several months in a hotel. This will mean more sun exposure which brings the possibility of mood elevation and unwarranted optimism. But I've taken measures to try and minimize that.
Once I work through the remaining residue of my attachment to understanding why this is the only reasonable goal for a person like me, hopefully it will be over.
