Letter to the 99 Percent

[Meretlein]

One nursery rhyme particularly stands out from my childhood; it is one that I am sure many of you here also remember. It goes-

"So-and-so and So-and-so sitting in a tree, K I S S I N G, first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes the baby in the baby carriage."

It is a timeless nursery rhyme, one that I heard playfully sung many times as a little girl and many more times as an adult working with kids. While on the surface, the song exists to tease, its existence alludes to the fact that romance and partnering up is on the mind of most people from a very young age. How much of this is mimicry of adults, as children often do, or genuine attraction is something that I cannot ascertain.

I have never had a crush. I always thought the proverbial butterflies people talked about getting around their crushes were metaphorical. Because of this, I do not know when people experience their first, nascent flutterings of attraction. However, I do know when I began to hear the first susurrations of my divergence and when those faint susurrations turned into a cacophony. It is time for a walk down memory lane.

I had no clue that I was different as a child. Other girls often talked about their crushes, and I spoke of my own "crushes." I always thought that having a crush on someone meant that you found them aesthetically appealing, so I would simply pick a boy I found to be good-looking and say that I had a crush on him. One such instance of this occurred in 2nd grade when I thought I had a crush on a third-grade boy. Consequently, I would gleefully tell my friends that I liked a third-grader whenever the topic arose. As I said before, I do not know how much of the other girls talking about crushes was merely mimicking adult behavior.


"I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way."

• Jessica Rabbit

As would be expected, my teen years were when those faint susurrations hinting at my asexuality turned into a cacophony that I could no longer be deaf to. When I entered my teen years, I became an object of desire. I was both amused and confused by this new form of attention that I was beginning to get. I could start writing about moments I was leered at by grown men or when boys in my school would harass me, but those moments were not instrumental in discovering my asexuality.

What was instrumental in discovering my asexuality was experiencing relationships firsthand and being confused by my partners' effusive emotionality and sexual interest. When I was 15, I decided that I should get a boyfriend in order to experience my first kiss. It was a confusing and uncomfortable experience. I would mostly spend my time avoiding him. Everything he did made no sense to me. I broke up with him the day after we first kissed. I immensely regret that relationship, not for my sake but for his. My next relationship was not nearly as regretful. After realizing that I was not attracted to men, I assumed I was a lesbian. My friend asked me out, and I accepted. Memories of this relationship feel like a fond fever dream of a time when I was almost a typical teenage girl. Nonetheless, I realized that I was not sexually or romantically attracted to my girlfriend, so I broke the relationship off.

There was no eureka moment in realizing that I am asexual. Over time I came to accept that I am absent of all sexual and romantic feelings. At first, I was immensely disheartened by this, as I desperately wanted to be normal.

The asexual experience is fundamentally one of separation. It is as if everyone is dancing to music that you cannot hear. Sexual relationships are elevated as the paragon of the human experience, and therefore anyone who does not participate in them is pitied as missing out on something essential to being human.

The question of whether I would change my sexuality is one that I am hopelessly torn on. The world is imbued with romance and sexuality, from the books we read, movies we watch, and the songs we listen to. Seemingly everyone is striving for a sexual relationship, and I am nothing but an outsider looking in. Just a few weeks ago, I was visiting my elderly neighbor, and she decided to tell me the story of how she and her first husband met. It was a delightfully charming story. Even though I am absent of all romantic inclinations, I still find the sentiment beautiful. I couldn't help but feel a flash of sadness while listening to her story, knowing that I am barred from those experiences. On the other hand, sexual and romantic feelings are deeply alien to me. They seem to change a person, and I am quite comfortable with who I am. In either case, there is no way to change your sexuality. I will always be watching people dance to music I cannot hear, whether I wish to join them or not.

I have written this post to share my experience of being asexual. It should be noted that not only am I asexual but also aromantic, so my experience is different from the majority of the asexual community. I would love it if other asexuals shared their own stories here.

 

[pole]

powerful.

as always, well written.

things that we bottle up and bury deep down inside of us are hard to speak about. i commend you for opening up and sharing your experience of being asexual.

 

[senti-mental]

That was so well written, thank you for sharing your experience.

I don't consider myself asexual, but I did lose my sexuality after a traumatic event. Ever since I lost it my ability to relate to the sexuality of other people has severely decreased, and its frustrating. I still want romance and love, just not sex, but nobody else my age wants to date someone who isn't interested in sex. However I don't think my experience is comparable to how frustrating it must be for someone who is asexual and aromantic to be surrounded by a culture that puts so much importance on sex and relationships.

 

[Wrennie]

I can't put into words how much I appreciate this post. It resonates with me on a deeply personal level. My circumstances may be slightly different from yours because my asexuality was likely induced by being involuntarily drugged as a small child, but my confusion and disinterest toward sexual relations and the resulting isolation from my peers was a truly devastating ordeal. I tried so hard to comprehend something that my body was utterly incapable of feeling. I used to hope that one day my body would attain physical enlightenment and I'd suddenly "get it". It's somewhat similar to trying to understand and know death despite never having experienced it for yourself.

Ultimately, I'm a broken individual (not necessarily due to my ace/aro tendencies, but because of the severe psychological trauma I endured as a child which was never properly addressed through therapy). In that regard, I am at least thankful that I never sought out to become one with another, for my mentality is too far removed from the norm to ever fully love or relate to another human being through romantic bonds.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

This must be really difficult, as it is always difficult to feel different. I don't really have a defined sexuality myself, and no labels. I feel like I feel love though, and it's probably the romantic kind.

I want to ask some questions about how you feel about love, but you don't have to answer them, it's purely curiousity. Which is how you experience other kinds of love, like familial love, and love between comrades. Or the way you feel, there's no such love? I always feel like there are a lot of different kinds of love, like the love for family, friends, people you look after, partner/s, people you entertain if you're an influencer etc, and kids/adoptees are all different kinds. Anyway, it's purely curiousity.

 

[Capsicum_Corral]

In either case, there is no way to change your sexuality.

I believe you can change your sexual desires, just as you can change your other beliefs and desires. A phobia is an example of belief and desire change that typically happens within a matter of minutes or seconds.

 

[Life sucks]

I'm sorry you suffered from the previous experiences and separation. I'm not asexual but sometimes I lose sexuality when I'm anhedonic.

Unfortunately this is how the humans as species, full of paradoxes and contradictions. In the past, sexuality was a taboo (and it's still in some areas in the world) which is a completely different thing but there is a shared core problem. The problem is how humans as a species don't care about the suffering of the individuals and they are forced and used for reproduction. Everyone talks about sex and love as controversial topics, however, reproduction is not touched and is always welcomed although it's the cause of all of those problems. The pressure from the species isn't for someone to get love, it's for reproduction. To make things clearer, they appear to glorify one side while ignoring the other side, relationship problems, divorces, abuse, etc. and that's a forced positive way just to ensure reproduction.

That's why there is no true help or understanding for the different experiences or suffering of people in general, and in case of asexuality, you'll feel what you described as the unheard music, this unheard music, isn't for love or romance, it's for reproduction and all of that is species programming. If the world wasn't cruel and filled with forced natalism programming, asexuals and everyone else would feel better and get more understanding.

I hope I didn't annoy you and sorry for the long reply.

 

[Meretlein]

This must be really difficult, as it is always difficult to feel different. I don't really have a defined sexuality myself, and no labels. I feel like I feel love though, and it's probably the romantic kind.

I want to ask some questions about how you feel about love, but you don't have to answer them, it's purely curiousity. Which is how you experience other kinds of love, like familial love, and love between comrades. Or the way you feel, there's no such love? I always feel like there are a lot of different kinds of love, like the love for family, friends, people you look after, partner/s, people you entertain if you're an influencer etc, and kids/adoptees are all different kinds. Anyway, it's purely curiousity.

As I said above, romantic love is a beautiful sentiment but also one that freaks me out a bit. Romantic love seems to change people, and it affects how the person sees their object of desire on a fundamental level. While I believe romantic love exists, it strikes me as the most conditional form of love. How we feel about someone romantically is based on a host of "shallow" factors that are mostly beyond control, such as looks.

Platonic love is the love that I have the most to say about. I experience deep platonic love for my friends. Talking to many of them is like coming home to a warm bed. I even get what I call platonic crushes which, is an intense desire to be around someone and get to know them better. Platonic bonds are forged through enjoying each other's company and appreciating each other's essence. I view platonic love as the purest form of love for that reason.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

As I said above, romantic love is a beautiful sentiment but also one that freaks me out a bit. Romantic love seems to change people, and it affects how the person sees their object of desire on a fundamental level. While I believe romantic love exists, it strikes me as the most conditional form of love. How we feel about someone romantically is based on a host of "shallow" factors that are mostly beyond control, such as looks.

Platonic love is the love that I have the most to say about. I experience deep platonic love for my friends. Talking to many of them is like coming home to a warm bed. I even get what I call platonic crushes which, is an intense desire to be around someone and get to know them better. Platonic bonds are forged through enjoying each other's company and appreciating each other's essence. I view platonic love as the purest form of love for that reason.

I definitely feel like I can separate romantic love from the way somebody looks, or doesn't look. People definitely fall for other people without knowing what they look like sometimes so it's not just me for sure! Like falling for someone in text, I think it can go beyond a crush, as long as there's enough time to get to know each other and depending on how easily people fall in love and so on!:)

Romance that was based on 'looks', wouldn't feel very romantic to me? Not really. On the other hand, I can still see how it could be, because a lot of romantic feelings can come pure attraction as you said, so there is being sweeped off by feet by someone handsome, but to me the looks aren't the important part? Romance is more, thoughts & gestures for me, you have romantic thoughts, you make romantic gestures, that kind of thing? It's how I view it. Like making a special surprise for someone of their favourite things might be a little bit romantic? Or just, wanting to make some feel better is a teeny bit romantic if that person is your partner? Not sure, they might not feel romantic but it would feel to me, special in that way.

Romantic love for sure changes people. I think I can only have romantic love for one person at a time? I can't imagine more, at most there's just one person that is above all the rest, or none at all. Therein lies the change perhaps.

Likewise I feel like I can maintain a platonic, romantic love relationship with someone I'm sexually attracted to. Have in the past! We can't help who we fall in love with, that might be some of the difference. So sexual attraction can be molded around the other, you can be sexually attracted and still maintain platonic relationships, with a partner I mean. I think it has to be different for other people, probably some people only feel sexual attraction, and for some it's less important.

Your description of platonic love is what I might experience as romantic love. On the other hand I might want to get to know someone but without any romantic interest at all. I suppose there is emotional love for me too, which is how I might feel? That might describe it best, where you care about people but in non-sexual and non-physical ways? Getting pretty deep now lol.

Interesting stuff! It's interesting that we think of the same things in different ways. I don't consider myself aromantic but don't know where my sexuality lies and prefer not to label it. Thanks :)

 

[JinZhin]

Thank you for sharing your story, ti was beautifully written.
I have not still came to terms withe being asexual or even possibly aromantic, as I was either depressed or overwhelmed by something that looked like it's larger than life to me at the time, probably since I was 7 years old. Ever since I was very young, even before I went to school I knew I never wanted to marry or have kids.
Later on, I was never very interested in boys nor relationships, even though I did find many of them pleasing to the eye or found myself wanting to be friends with them. Just, the romantic, the sexual thoughts would never really even cross my mind, and when I would end up sharing those thoughts, I got told that somethings is wrong with me, that I'm too old to be childish and so on.

I do enjoy depictions of romantic love in media, books, movies very amusing and felt like that's all fiction, like something that only exist in someone's imagination. The analogy of everyone dancing to music only you can't hear probably describes perfectly what it's like.