Leaving the forum

[Toxic Positivity]

I am trying to take responsibility for my life. It's the hardest thing I've ever done, because it means I don't have anyone or anything to blame for everything that's gone wrong in my 30 years among people.

It's not depression. It's not childhood--it's definitely not parents. The awesome responsibility, power, tragedy, euphoria of being, that rests with me. The time for childish blaming and games and running into the arms of saviors is over. I have wrought my own fortune. Everything I have chosen is everything I have become.

I would like to become someone else. I am thankful for the love, joy, loss and attention I have shared with everyone else whose life is unfortunate enough to find themselves in a place like this. But I cannot get better here. Sanctioned Suicide is a waiting room, a kind of purgatory for me. A place to try to make alive the notion that maybe the responsibility rests not with me but with someone, something, somethings else. Or perhaps a place where I could explore the idea, play in the space, of a world in which the awesome burden of living is something that can be discarded, sent back to the Creator with a simple "no thanks." I have explored this territory and found it completely barren. It is a lifeless place, ultimately, because that is what it was crafted to be.

"Choice" is what is touted here. Here is a common response on the forum: "I respect your decision, no matter what it may be, and I hope you find peace." I hope none of you find "peace." I hope you all reckon with the dragons in your life and best them. I hope you get fucking scorched. I hope you cry helplessly on the floor, collect yourself, and choose to remain among people. I hope you soar far from and above this place when you are ready. A website called, "Sanctioned Suicide:" How could I have ever thought this was a place of possibility?

Goodbye to those who have helped me, guided me, calmed my frantic cries for help. Most of all, goodbye, and thank you, to those of you who have challenged me to think differently about the problem of suicide. Those of you who have helped me see through romantic notions of self-deliverance and "peace" (read: decomposition) that this pro-suicide hellhole promises, the lies that have been woven into it from its inception. Let's not call this place pro-choice. The users may be, but there is absolutely nothing about the design and administration of this website that does not explicitly encourage suicide, either actively or by passive culture-making. Ban me for this, I am already gone. But better, leave it up, if indeed you are "pro-choice." Leave it up so that my friends here can understand why I am offline, out somewhere in the world not navel-gazing but fighting for my fucking life. Leave it up for them.

 

[Al Cappella]

Really, genuinely, good for you. I was going to my own thread elsewhere, but now it makes sense to say it here—the real heroes are those you never see, that claw their way up and through, even when there may not be a reason or point, because sometimes to just try, whether you make it or not, is reason enough. Well done. You're going to be OK.

 

[Sleeper System]

Your personal experience with this forum doesn't reflect everyone else's so I would respectfully like to wish you good luck sir and safe travels none the less.

I think of this place as an online mental health group similar to what you might experience in alcoholics anonymous. You come here to express yourself and vent to like minded individuals. You know how I know this place is pro choice? Because more people continue pushing on despite how much pain they're in, in comparison to how many people actually ctb. Just the fact that this place is here has curbed many people's ideation. And vice versa some have gone through with there plans to end themselves because they found the method and resolve to follow through with what their soul is resonating. If you find strength to carry on, people here will support you and maybe hope the same for themselves. If you are just so tired of living, we will relate and understand you and not play the sycophantic devils advocate.

The real world in general doesn't care about your individual problems. It's nice to have a place to just be what you feel regardless of the reason. I never once thought of this place as somewhere to be "cured" or dispelled of your problems but I can't deny that some people have given helpful advice. You take from this place what you want. In the end the choice is yours what you do or don't do.

You my good sir are desperately trying to move forward and that is admirable. I'm not saying this to contrast your thought process. I just want to give my own account of things.

 

[Dysgenic Pup]

Damn, who else can I rep the Windy City with? @apologygirl I'm afraid there is a vacancy in your wall now…

I don't agree with what you said in your post but good luck regardless, friend.

 

[BluesRunTheGame]

Okay if that's what you feel you need to do. But personally I kept my account open for a long while without posting 'cause I felt I might need it again someday.

 

[Istanbulite]

Only 3 months...weird

 

[TheBroken]

Characterizing this forum as a waiting room is generally accurate as members' lives and/or mental/physical condition(s) will either change, or they will change their perspectives about them, leading towards moving on in life or things will continue or worsen and they will choose to exit. The forum is then, by default, a waiting room for venting and ultimately deciding to circle the drain forever. or make changes, regardless of whether anything improves .... including the poor sentence structure of this post and careless use of commas. Good to hear you're picking a side and no longer have one foot on the dock and one on the boat (bus). The outcome of my life choices and mistakes along with certain circumstances beyond my control have set a trajectory that cannot be reconciled or managed; therefore, my upcoming exit is a firm and well-planned decision that has a timing I am bridging (waiting room) with beneficial support from the forum. Wish you the best!

 

[Arrow]

Good post. Don't agree with some parts of it but well said. Best of luck.

 

[Shu]

I love you brother. You know I only want the best for you and wish you well.
Love that you are taking accountability. You da man.

 

[24601]

Always liked you in the chatroom. I feel the same. We live our own personal hells. This place will not ease it. Maybe finding a kindred soul if we're lucky who we can relate to is most this place can offer. The neverending droll of people saying "hope you find peace" and then moving on in their lives does seem kind of disingenuous to me. But we are limited humans after all. I hope you conquer your demons. Goodbye

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I hope everything goes well for you friend. I completely disagree with you regarding your characterization of what SS is. The same as you, no one forced me to be here. No one here created my life circumstance that brought me here. Finally, no one here, nor this site itself, has tried to convince, or influence me, that suicide is the ONLY or BEST way to go. Any decision I make will be mine alone to make. Every day on SS I read posts from so many desperate people in such despair, some hurting emotionally, some physically, some both, and the great, great majority of them are back again the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, still hanging on, still doing what they can to stick around. If anything, that is inspiring, as well it should be. I know so many have it so much worse than I do, not that I wish to diminish what I feel, though, which is real to me and relevant to me. It's likely that I know where I'll be about a year from now and that's based on how I feel at this moment in time. If I go through with my plans, which I believe I will, as I said, it is my choice and mine alone. I feel not one iota of pressure from anyone, or this site, to only have my life end with the finality that you say this site promotes. No, to the contrary, I feel I am able to better work through issues I have, with the idea of both taking my life and not taking my life, through the venting, the listening, the empathizing, and the crying I've experienced while watching ones, who were holding on with everything they have, suddenly lose that ability and succumb to that which they fought so hard to resist.

So, please go ahead and go have a happy life. I wish you the happiness you deserve from this day forward until the day when life removes itself from you naturally, at a time of its own choosing. But, I hope, someday, maybe when you reflect back, that you take a moment or two and remember where you were when you had this epiphany that you needed to save yourself and that was not going to happen if you continued to stay here on SS. You were indeed here on SS when you had this epiphany, not somewhere else, but here. Then, maybe you can ask yourself if SS actually did help you in ways you didn't, and couldn't, realize and whether this is really the doom and gloom place that you perceive it to be.

 

[Superdeterminist]

You just sound anti-choice, tbh.

 

[hopelessdreams]

good luck to you! honestly

but some people DO have others to blame. some do have depression, childhood trauma or other illnesses/diseases that they can't control.

this place is nothing that you described it as. i'm sorry if you had bad experiences with some members here, but for the most part it's pretty darn nice here. i haven't been long on this forum, but have been welcomed with open arms by everyone here. this is a community with such beautiful souls, and you won't find it elsewhere, regardless of what brought us together.

and it may be a waiting room for some, it may be the final decision for others. this forum is what you make and take from it.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

We will miss you pal! I hope that you can turn your life around so that is the reason you stay away :)

Best of luck to you!

 

[downndone2]

I enjoyed reading this post and will try to take a lot of your words to geart.
I find this site to be supportive. Most everyone here is sitting in a waiting room.
No one here encourages members to ctb and I do feel a sense of belonging.
I hope someday I'm able to leave the waiting room one way or another.
I hope you find happiness

 

[Dot]

If u fl/ s/ dffrntly 2 hw u dd b4 thn ur mnd-st hs chngd whch cn only b pstve thng fr u - wsh u wll in ur rcvry - = gd tht sme membrs r abl 2 wlk awy frm th/ bus-stp

Ws nce 2 C u in cht

 

[motel rooms]

You just sound anti-choice, tbh.

but some people DO have others to blame. some do have depression, childhood trauma or other illnesses/diseases that they can't control.

They sound like an unempathetic pathetic little mouse dropping. It's pretty clear they think everyone on SS just needs to stop complaining & pull themselves up by the bootstraps even if they're fucking barefoot. How original... "There is absolutely nothing about the design and administration of this website that does not explicitly encourage suicide". If that's the case, how come you managed to make friends on here & receive support from them? Ingrate.

 

[Chinaski]

They sound like an unempathetic pathetic little mouse dropping. It's pretty clear they think everyone on SS just needs to stop complaining & pull themselves up by the bootstraps even if they're fucking barefoot. How original... "There is absolutely nothing about the design and administration of this website that does not explicitly encourage suicide". If that's the case, how come you managed to make friends on here & receive support from them? Ingrate.

This is definitely not how l read the post. There is without doubt an immature and frivolous approach to suicide embedded within the culture of this website. The failure to engage with that honest post containing legitimate observations in a non-tribal way is an extension of that.

 

[motel rooms]

Leave it up so that my friends here can understand why I am offline, out somewhere in the world not navel-gazing but fighting for my fucking life.

I'm on SS & I'm fighting for my fucking life, jerk. So is @noname223 & plenty of other members. Screw you for insinuating that everyone on here does nothing but engage in lazy navel-gazing.

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-think-life-is-worth-fighting-for.91370/#post-1617574

 

[Pluto]

Maybe there was a bit of toxic positivity in the OP, but I wish there could be a middle ground in which we acknowledge unsurmountable problems but offer more resources to those who are open to recovery.

 

[motel rooms]

Maybe there was a bit of toxic positivity in the OP, but I wish there could be a middle ground in which we acknowledge unsurmountable problems but offer more resources to those who are open to recovery.

Does the design & administration of this website prevent you from being as open to recovery as you want? I respect OP's decision to move on, but there was no need for them to pour such scorn on SS.

 

[Pluto]

Does the design & administration of this website prevent you from being as open to recovery as you want? I respect OP's decision to move on, but there was no need for them to pour such scorn on SS.

I agree that there's no need for the OP's implied criticism of our members. I know you and I are among many doing our best! But I don't want to be a total hypocrite, so I will admit that I've expressed the same criticism of the site's design. The recovery section could easily be expanded into a multitude of forums rather than being a bit of a token. Of course, there is no censorship of recovery posts so at least there's that.

 

[Pain In The Ass]

It's the hardest thing I've ever done, because it means I don't have anyone or anything to blame for everything that's gone wrong in my 30 years among people

You are now a grown up. I have huge amounts of respect for anyone who chooses to take this on to themselves.

 

[Chinaski]

Does the design & administration of this website prevent you from being as open to recovery as you want? I respect OP's decision to move on, but there was no need for them to pour such scorn on SS.

For a start there is still a needless partners thread which acts as a smorgasbord for predators, the "rules" as applied cater heavily towards anyone wanting to dump hateful bile under the umbrella of "muh free speech" but anyone posting in a way which is not enthusiastically pro-death is viewed with some suspicion, the application of disciplinary measures for the blanket term "invalidating" is arbitrary and based on false equivalences, mod selection has been dubious in the past to the point where at one stage a total arsehole who presented himself as a suicide guru who requested SN video logs was given a mod role, the immature and often disgusting attitudes around the grief and loss which are a natural consequence of suicide are enabled and defended, puerile sex talk is routinely permitted so long as there is a tenuous link to suicide somewhere within, there is absolutely a dominant forum culture here which is to treat suicide whimsically and romantically which is often unserious and adolescent. I have nothing personal here against the staff themselves (one of whom l personally have a lot of time for, another l think is absolutely unfit for the role, though neither opinion matters here) but this forum could be better, and a key factor here is the need for a better, serious and mature approach to moderation.

 

[Idontmatter]

Well this post makes me feel crappier about myself. I already hate myself as it is. I would love to stay alive. I'm still going to the doctor to try and get better to stay alive. The last thing I want to do is do something to devastate my husband. Right now just like tons of others on this forum im in a very bad place mentally and am fighting to stay alive even though I'm exhausted from fighting. I'm not sure if I have anymore fight in me left since medications are not helping my depression. This forum has been the best therapy for me because I'm not feeling like I'm being judged and people understand. Everyone's situation is different and no one should be judging each other. Just my opinion so take it for what it's worth.

 

[motel rooms]

You are now a grown up. I have huge amounts of respect for anyone who chooses to take this on to themselves.

Tons of SS members aren't lying when they say someone or something is to blame for everything (or the most important thing) that's wrong in their lives, & they are just as worthy of respect. I'm very much a grownup, but I'm sure as shit never gonna take responsibility for what my "father" did to my defenseless brain in my formative years; I'm sort of not a fucking masochistic idiot.

 

[Niko66]

Name checks out?

 

[FuneralCry]

This website is pro choice. It is pretty clear that it is the individuals decision whether they decide to ctb or not. I think that the op is a pro lifer. To me, this type of content does not even belong on a suicide discussion full of people suffering, but best wishes to them, I guess.

 

[Lullaby]

Well this post makes me feel crappier about myself. I already hate myself as it is. I would love to stay alive. I'm still going to the doctor to try and get better to stay alive. The last thing I want to do is do something to devastate my husband. Right now just like tons of others on this forum im in a very bad place mentally and am fighting to stay alive even though I'm exhausted from fighting. I'm not sure if I have anymore fight in me left since medications are not helping my depression. This forum has been the best therapy for me because I'm not feeling like I'm being judged and people understand. Everyone's situation is different and no one should be judging each other. Just my opinion so take it for what it's worth.

Please don't take things like this to heart. Sometimes you'll see others to generalize everyone on the forum and assume things about them, but do not ever apply it to yourself. You know you better than anyone.

You have your reasons for being here, and whatever they are, it's okay. SS is a safety line for a lot of members; be it this forum, recovery, off topic or even the chat room. It keeps them going. I don't have anyone in my current life I can go to whenever, so I come on here as it really helps curbs my intrusive thoughts and anxiety. I completely get it.

 

[whatevs]

Unnecessarily spicy but entertaining. I guess it's a case of making sure that severance is completed through antagonism.

Good luck, keep that flame raging! Now you're officially a maligned, pesky pro-lifer! How do you feel?