Leaving a partner behind

[Secondoor]

How do you deal with leaving your partner behind? I can't think of anything that would help my partner when the time comes. Leave a note? It doesn't seem enough at all. Do you break up with them and then do it?
What can be done? How do you prepare them?

 

[Lost Magic]

You can never prepare someone you leave behind. I honestly don't know what else to say, but do you have a will in place or anything you want to leave to that person?

 

[motel rooms]

How do you deal with leaving your partner behind? I can't think of anything that would help my partner when the time comes. Leave a note? It doesn't seem enough at all. Do you break up with them and then do it?
What can be done? How do you prepare them?

Is your partner aware that you're suicidal?

 

[exitbag.ftw]

I definitely thought a lot about this matter. I had a 9 year relationship with someone and decided to broke up with her because my mental health had deteriorated so much through the years and I coudn't see any improvement for the future. I really think this is the best decision when someone is certain about CTB

 

[Secondoor]

You can never prepare someone you leave behind. I honestly don't know what else to say, but do you have a will or anything you want to leave to that person?

No, nothing important.

Is your partner aware that you're suicidal?

I would say they are aware I am depressed. And has been there through a failed attempt. But I'm not sure if they know I would do it again.

 

[NotSureToEndure]

How do you deal with leaving your partner behind? I can't think of anything that would help my partner when the time comes. Leave a note? It doesn't seem enough at all. Do you break up with them and then do it?
What can be done? How do you prepare them?

I'm trying to work this out myself. I'm not sure there is an easy answer.

I suppose if you weren't that far into a relationship it would be easier to break things off, but it all very much depends on your situation as to whether that will cause more pain or not.

I guess the best thing is to make sure you don't leave them in a bad position at least (obviously they will feel grief, but make sure they aren't lumbered with debt or something when you go.)

 

[motel rooms]

All you can do is make it clear in your note that they're not to blame for your suicide...

 

[Secondoor]

I definitely thought a lot about this matter. I had a 9 year relationship with someone and decided to broke up with her because my mental health had deteriorated so much through the years and I coudn't see any improvement for the future. I really think this is the best decision when someone is certain about CTB

That must have been difficult. What reason did you give for breaking up?

 

[exitbag.ftw]

That must have been difficult. What reason did you give for breaking up?

I told her that we wanted different things for our future. She wanted to marry, have children and I didn't want that. Since the beginning of our relationship I told her I didn't want to have children so this wasn't something that shoccked her. She kind of accepted my reasons and we split up on good terms. I don't know exactly when I'll ctb but me ending this relationship was the best decision I made for her future

This was not an easy decision at all

 

[willitpass]

i have pondered this many times since entering a relationship a year and a half ago. i almost died a month and a half after we got together when i took sn and ended up in the hospital for 8 months, he never left me even when we were limited in contact the entire time. however im lucky that he never left, many do. either way, i would say breaking up with them will not help. if they are happy in the relationship breaking up with them will upset them before you die and then leave them feeling lost when you are gone when they realize you broke up with them to kill yourself. so unless you are unhappy in the relationship, breaking up will not ease their pain. in reality, nothing can. leave a note if you wish, but that is not guaranteed to help, sometimes it makes people feel worse, however in my opinion i would want a note if someone i know were to kill themselves. that's my two cents

 

[Noctis]

My good friend killed herself almost ten years ago. There is nothing you can do to prepare anyone. We were open with each other, we both knew we were depressed, and I knew she was going to do it soon (but I didn't know exactly when). I told her she had my permission and it still sucked.

The only solace I have is that as much as it hurt to lose her, she was clearly in more pain every single day, and I'm very happy she's not suffering any more.

 

[Eternal Oblivion]

I have a year and three months girlfriend that I really love. We are very close and we talk about everything. I'm pondering this question for a while. She got depression, and a pretty bad one. She has ideations and tells me about it. She doesn't dream I'm suicidal, because our reasons are very different and I never let her on it.

I'm thinking breaking up with her and waiting for a little while would be best. Is just that I want to die right now, can't even imagine how it would be staying away from her and dealing with the end of an relationship I really don't want to end.

 

[bigfishlittlefish]

How do you deal with leaving your partner behind? I can't think of anything that would help my partner when the time comes. Leave a note? It doesn't seem enough at all. Do you break up with them and then do it?
What can be done? How do you prepare them?

Honestly? Tell them. If you can't do that, then maybe it's not the right time for you to ctb. They don't have to like your decision but they should respect it.

 

[sadeyesWA]

Honestly? Tell them. If you can't do that, then maybe it's not the right time for you to ctb. They don't have to like your decision but they should respect it.

If I did that I'd be in the hospital again.

 

[maakies]

If I did that I'd be in the hospital again.

Yeah. This is where I am at right now. I can't talk to anyone because they'll just send me to a hospital. Last time it completely ruined my life. Pretty much doing everything in secret. It's torture.

 

[Mixo]

This is going to sound cold, but I'm probably not going to send any last messages to my partner before I go. My relationship with them is very toxic and routinely makes me more suicidal. I'll probably just cut them off, go to my hotel room, and do it.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

This is very tough for me and is the primary reason that I'm still alive.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. First and foremost, I'm terrified that my suicide will cause a relapse. I'd like to give him enough credit to think that he can withstand challenges in life and refrain from drinking, but I think my suicide would be too tall a task for him to deal with. In addition to the depression and potential drinking, I'm sure it will lead to him stopping working

I am also the main breadwinner. He works too, but I make much more. All of our benefits are also through me - health insurance, etc. All the bills and utilities are in my name. He could certainly transition everything to his own, but he is not good with administrative stuff. I take care of all of that.

He lived on his own for many years before meeting me, but never terribly successfully. He wracked up credit card debt, got DUIs, cycled through several jobs, etc. Strange as it may seem, I've given his life stability in areas where he needed it. I fear that would all come cracking down.

I've put as much as I can in my will and have documents full of instructions to him and my executor. He's POD on all my bank accounts and the beneficiary on my life insurance (though who knows if it will pay him if I die by suicide). I've done as much as I can to make the administrivia of the aftermath of my death as smooth as possible, but that still won't help him deal with the emotional and psychological distress. The only thing I have that could possible help with that is a letter, that I have revised at least seven times.

Right now I'm thinking I should move out a few months prior, so he can get used to life without me - not a divorce, just a separation. If I can swing it financially, I may very well take that route.

 

[Secondoor]

i have pondered this many times since entering a relationship a year and a half ago. i almost died a month and a half after we got together when i took sn and ended up in the hospital for 8 months, he never left me even when we were limited in contact the entire time. however im lucky that he never left, many do. either way, i would say breaking up with them will not help. if they are happy in the relationship breaking up with them will upset them before you die and then leave them feeling lost when you are gone when they realize you broke up with them to kill yourself. so unless you are unhappy in the relationship, breaking up will not ease their pain. in reality, nothing can. leave a note if you wish, but that is not guaranteed to help, sometimes it makes people feel worse, however in my opinion i would want a note if someone i know were to kill themselves. that's my two cents

I've had that experience with an impulsive failed attempt. Hated the way it made my partner feel. It was horrible. And he told me that his life would have been ruined forever. I feel very guilty. I mean if I'm successful, I leave him behind with all the shit to deal with.

I have a year and three months girlfriend that I really love. We are very close and we talk about everything. I'm pondering this question for a while. She got depression, and a pretty bad one. She has ideations and tells me about it. She doesn't dream I'm suicidal, because our reasons are very different and I never let her on it.

I'm thinking breaking up with her and waiting for a little while would be best. Is just that I want to die right now, can't even imagine how it would be staying away from her and dealing with the end of an relationship I really don't want to end.

Why not talk to her about it if she is depressed too? She may have those ideas as well. I mean maybe not exactly that you are going to do it but just taking about depression and suicide.

Honestly? Tell them. If you can't do that, then maybe it's not the right time for you to ctb. They don't have to like your decision but they should respect it.

That would be a big no.

This is very tough for me and is the primary reason that I'm still alive.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. First and foremost, I'm terrified that my suicide will cause a relapse. I'd like to give him enough credit to think that he can withstand challenges in life and refrain from drinking, but I think my suicide would be too tall a task for him to deal with. In addition to the depression and potential drinking, I'm sure it will lead to him stopping working

I am also the main breadwinner. He works too, but I make much more. All of our benefits are also through me - health insurance, etc. All the bills and utilities are in my name. He could certainly transition everything to his own, but he is not good with administrative stuff. I take care of all of that.

He lived on his own for many years before meeting me, but never terribly successfully. He wracked up credit card debt, got DUIs, cycled through several jobs, etc. Strange as it may seem, I've given his life stability in areas where he needed it. I fear that would all come cracking down.

I've put as much as I can in my will and have documents full of instructions to him and my executor. He's POD on all my bank accounts and the beneficiary on my life insurance (though who knows if it will pay him if I die by suicide). I've done as much as I can to make the administrivia of the aftermath of my death as smooth as possible, but that still won't help him deal with the emotional and psychological distress. The only thing I have that could possible help with that is a letter, that I have revised at least seven times.

Right now I'm thinking I should move out a few months prior, so he can get used to life without me - not a divorce, just a separation. If I can swing it financially, I may very well take that route.

That is a tough situation. I hope all the planning you put will work out.
How long have you been planning this?

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

That is a tough situation. I hope all the planning you put will work out.
How long have you been planning this?

It's been almost three years since I wrote my first suicide note to him. I was working in a bank for a while and that taught me how to take care of all the financial stuff. I had that settled in May of 2020, just before my first attempt. I keep updating and refining things as ideas come to me and as things change. I do think he is in a better place now than he was two years ago, so who knows - maybe he'll be end up handling things better than I've anticipated.

Even started looking for one-bedroom apartments today.

Side note: I'm appalled at the number of errors in my previous post! I'm so sorry if any of it was confusing...
*racked (instead of "wracked")
*crashing (instead of "cracking")
*possibly (instead of "possible")

 

[SofterSoftest]

This is very tough for me and is the primary reason that I'm still alive.

My husband is a recovering alcoholic. First and foremost, I'm terrified that my suicide will cause a relapse. I'd like to give him enough credit to think that he can withstand challenges in life and refrain from drinking, but I think my suicide would be too tall a task for him to deal with. In addition to the depression and potential drinking, I'm sure it will lead to him stopping working

I am also the main breadwinner. He works too, but I make much more. All of our benefits are also through me - health insurance, etc. All the bills and utilities are in my name. He could certainly transition everything to his own, but he is not good with administrative stuff. I take care of all of that.

He lived on his own for many years before meeting me, but never terribly successfully. He wracked up credit card debt, got DUIs, cycled through several jobs, etc. Strange as it may seem, I've given his life stability in areas where he needed it. I fear that would all come cracking down.

I've put as much as I can in my will and have documents full of instructions to him and my executor. He's POD on all my bank accounts and the beneficiary on my life insurance (though who knows if it will pay him if I die by suicide). I've done as much as I can to make the administrivia of the aftermath of my death as smooth as possible, but that still won't help him deal with the emotional and psychological distress. The only thing I have that could possible help with that is a letter, that I have revised at least seven times.

Right now I'm thinking I should move out a few months prior, so he can get used to life without me - not a divorce, just a separation. If I can swing it financially, I may very well take that route.

Wow, are you me? This sounds so much like my situation. I love my partner so dearly and I have (very oddly) given him stability in his life. Like your partner, he has lived on his own as an adult, but never successfully. I've also done my best to manage my affairs so that managing the bureaucracy is as painless as possible. He isn't an alcoholic, but has his own mental health issues that make me really worried about what his life will be like.

That being said, his family of origin has been quite supportive of him. I'm really hoping he can lean on his parents and his sister when I'm no longer there. I would go the separation route too, but our relationship is actually quite healthy and I think leaving him without an explanation and then going ahead with CTB would potentially worsen the damage.

Anyway, I feel for you and I hope you find a way to sort this out. My partner is one of the main reasons I'm delaying my plan to CTB, but it is becoming increasingly difficult for me to continue on.

 

[little helpers]

first of all I agree with everyone on this thread that nothing truly prepares another person for this. heck, nobody even gets truly prepared for their own suicide until they're, say, on the noose, or be downing their SN drink.

though I do wanna say, some perspective-taking could really help. I'm gonna quote myself here. it's hella long but bear with me if you can.

———————————————————————————

"there's too many ways they'll be able to face the hurt, honestly. of course my emotions' still talking when I see goodbye posts, from those with currently active or now-locked accounts. I think about the people I've interacted with here, how I'd feel if I were to learn, one day, that they're gone. man, it would be a lot. but I can grieve this and, not really "move on" or whatever, but go on. cuz it would torture me to see people who, again not really who's suffering, but who's become jailed in this cage they call life, having nowhere to go, in life or to death.

"mentality plays a big role. therapists are selling mentalities to us each day whether it's for our good or our harm, so your family can also grab some.

"I thought about something like this - if I could "miraculously" bring someone who I know ctb'ed back to life, knowing they'd still be in the immense suffering prior to their sucide, at least for a very good while, will I want it?

"I'm a huge Elliott Smith person. I've seen a person on here who was also that. Elliott handle, Elliott profile pic, signature was "sweet adeline". man, I'd smile at these words every time I see 'em, name of the song and the fan site. now they're both gone. one was at last month. do I bring either one of these Elliotts back to life?

"no. please, no, little helpers. it's just apparent that knife-in-chest was too much for one's consciousness to bear. what doesn't stop people from the pain of death, is that of life.

"people cannot accept another's suicide (not that we're begging for whose acceptance), becuz they haven't got time to process it, or they used the time badly when they could. it sounds nuts to me if I were to wake up one day learning that either Elliott was revived through some modern medicine fuckery. I'd prolly even yell at the freaking TV wishing he could just remain dead. or say Ian Curtis. please, I wish his epilepsy torture was actually over then.

"and again that's because *I* would have no time to process this piece of alien information. I could, if given time.

"it's all object permanence. after a while you just accept that, no questions asked. facts are always acceptable. history stays history. it belongs there.

"and maybe they should know that reviving a fully-committed person from suicide only results in them doing it again. they're only traumatizing themselves, *and* that person, even more.

"in that long, prolonged, process."

————————————————————————————

also I try to leave my friends something, like a voice message or recording. and just hope they'll find grieving easier cuz they now have something to attach to. that's my two cents.

 

[ThriveOrDie]

Honestly? Tell them. If you can't do that, then maybe it's not the right time for you to ctb. They don't have to like your decision but they should respect it.

I wish my bf would have talked to me about his plans. I already knew he was suicidal and he already knew I would not try to put him in a mental hospital. I also wish he had done a will. He left a video indicating he wanted his family to help me with my health problems but he didn't put it in a will so I got nothing. Not even a memento. His family was wealthy and they possibly made a lot of money off an invention he made before he ctb. It's been 3 years and I still can't look at a picture of him without crying.

 

[Onthe29th]

ok, I feel a little bad for my partner but this is too much for me. I just hope he's not too hurt

 

[again_noidea]

I definitely thought a lot about this matter. I had a 9 year relationship with someone and decided to broke up with her because my mental health had deteriorated so much through the years and I coudn't see any improvement for the future. I really think this is the best decision when someone is certain about CTB

i did the same... it's brutal and painful.

 

[ClaireBear31]

My partner is the major reason I want to CTB, so... I mean, I'm not a complete *sshole, so I will most likely leave a note to indicate to authorities that it was all my doing. Other than that, there really isn't anything you can do. Major props to you for caring, though. You have a kind heart.

 

[myopybyproxy]

My partner and I broke up before I attempted the first time. We both agreed our relationship wasn't healthy, and parted on civil terms - still in occasional contact to this day. I also wanted to spare the devastation that me dying whilst in the relationship would cause, so I tried to distance myself beforehand.

This is much of the reason why I refuse to begin a new relationship, even though I get so fucking lonely. I couldn't bring myself to do that to someone. Or to myself - to get close to them and then have to break it off again - I don't trust myself not to reveal the truth. The risk of having my plans ruined because someone who cares did something they thought was best for me without my input is not one I am willing to take.

 

[SuicidallyCurious]

If I had a partner I don't think I could CTB. This is one reason why I avoid partners / cohabitation.

My ex actually did try to CTB and I had to call the cops. But I probably didn't need to because the attempt was really lame from what I remember