Archness
Defective Personel
- Jan 20, 2023
- 577
So I was watch YouTube about, in vague terms, "Blackpill Content". It brought up "Learned Helplessness" for less then 1/12th of the vid. But I saw something describing the symptoms and realized I literally have all symptoms of it. So I guess, in my "Self-discovery", I can say I have depression, mood-swings, suicidallity, disassociation, and now learned helplessness; on top of autism. literally no redeeming qualities other then what others make up to "encourage" me. Obvi many more psy-problems, but those 5 (6 if malladaptive daydreaming counts) are abt the only ones self-evident enough I can comfortably know I have.
Tho I wonder if it counts as learned helplessness, if it's not learned, but REAL, because one like myself is fucking useless apart from flesh. I could see all the symptoms not only comming from"fake" learned helplessness, but "Real" knowing-how-small-and-powerless you are. How self-deprecating I can be to myself, but how could I not but when every passion writing, gaming, game-design, making games, etc- where just NOTHING, imaginary as I was FUCKING INCAPABLE of even the BASICS!
Yet, if you where in the room (inv ofc) with me as I write this, without seeing my screen, you'd think I was only a little "serious" instead of the agent and rage in here; in that aspect, the real-world observation would be more accurate then my transcription of my feelings in the prior paragraph. Still, it's not entirely removed, only the most simplistic aspect made to be a much larger percentage of my feelings then the truth. God I wanted to be a writer yet am unable to be as clear and conscice as I could without bullshit like this paragraph. It just barely works for what I'm writing here, but that's really the best I could do... or is- nah it really is.
It's so over, that's just it. No writing, no swan-song, just suicide. I might even get that gun and seriously contemplate ctb alot sooner then expected; since I went from waiting to die to waiting till I'd do it myself. Passive-passive-passive; really that's my whole life apart from a few simplistic motions and other things on the sides of my life; In the margins of being yet another npc, a background-character for everyone else living their lives and pushing themselves forward.
I learned that if mom wants something to whine about, she WILL find something; I learned how much of a disappointment I am just for not for NOT being "better then average".
I saw how my efforts always patter-out before ANYTHING is really made. Every plan to make something cancelled bc it's always just about how cool it'd be. ALWAYS struggling with code, being unable to even become a janitor without outside help. I've thought abt atleast trying to un-learn this "learned helplessness", but I'd still be as genuinely incapable as before.
The problem isn't that I don't even try, it's just a logical conclusion when all attempts lead to soo little you might as well not even try.
I'm unsure if I'm smart or stupid but self-aware. Either way, reality doesn't lie : ZERO real results. Whatever "Victories" I gain against myself "Are wins, but don't rly matter".
I rly hoped this apparent inceasse in intelect I experienced over the last few years would be usefull. No, I'm still my stupid self, just aware about these truths that I cannot change but show how I could only be a faileure.
Actually, I might only have 4 psy-problem.
I don't have learned helplessness, I'm really useless, not a psy-problem, on a whole-nother level that'll get me killed.
Tho I wonder if it counts as learned helplessness, if it's not learned, but REAL, because one like myself is fucking useless apart from flesh. I could see all the symptoms not only comming from"fake" learned helplessness, but "Real" knowing-how-small-and-powerless you are. How self-deprecating I can be to myself, but how could I not but when every passion writing, gaming, game-design, making games, etc- where just NOTHING, imaginary as I was FUCKING INCAPABLE of even the BASICS!
Yet, if you where in the room (inv ofc) with me as I write this, without seeing my screen, you'd think I was only a little "serious" instead of the agent and rage in here; in that aspect, the real-world observation would be more accurate then my transcription of my feelings in the prior paragraph. Still, it's not entirely removed, only the most simplistic aspect made to be a much larger percentage of my feelings then the truth. God I wanted to be a writer yet am unable to be as clear and conscice as I could without bullshit like this paragraph. It just barely works for what I'm writing here, but that's really the best I could do... or is- nah it really is.
It's so over, that's just it. No writing, no swan-song, just suicide. I might even get that gun and seriously contemplate ctb alot sooner then expected; since I went from waiting to die to waiting till I'd do it myself. Passive-passive-passive; really that's my whole life apart from a few simplistic motions and other things on the sides of my life; In the margins of being yet another npc, a background-character for everyone else living their lives and pushing themselves forward.
I learned that if mom wants something to whine about, she WILL find something; I learned how much of a disappointment I am just for not for NOT being "better then average".
I saw how my efforts always patter-out before ANYTHING is really made. Every plan to make something cancelled bc it's always just about how cool it'd be. ALWAYS struggling with code, being unable to even become a janitor without outside help. I've thought abt atleast trying to un-learn this "learned helplessness", but I'd still be as genuinely incapable as before.
The problem isn't that I don't even try, it's just a logical conclusion when all attempts lead to soo little you might as well not even try.
I'm unsure if I'm smart or stupid but self-aware. Either way, reality doesn't lie : ZERO real results. Whatever "Victories" I gain against myself "Are wins, but don't rly matter".
I rly hoped this apparent inceasse in intelect I experienced over the last few years would be usefull. No, I'm still my stupid self, just aware about these truths that I cannot change but show how I could only be a faileure.
Actually, I might only have 4 psy-problem.
I don't have learned helplessness, I'm really useless, not a psy-problem, on a whole-nother level that'll get me killed.
