Last 24-48 hours

[xo777]

I have 2 days to do it and I feel so alone so I am just going to put it here almost like a diary? I have no choice but now i'm lonely and scared and I know I have to do it.
He was finally served with a search warrant and I know that they will want to ask me and knowing all my photos will be seen makes me want to rip off my skin. I'm dirty and tainted now, nothing is okay I only have one way out. I can't turn back time.

I am going to keep this as a diary for the next 24 hours. I had a decent day today I bought my family dinner and dessert and tipped the waiter $200. The conversation they had was what they want at their funeral it was dark it's almost like they know. I sent shopping money to my sister. They thanked me because they just don't know what's happening.

I'm scared. I know that no matter what happens after death I will be okay and the pain will be gone. Never again I will feel stuck and gross.

 

[Jrmull1993]

I'm sorry that the pains of life have brought you to this point.

Whatever road you go down, I wish you the absolute best in finding your eternal peace.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

I don't know the specifics of your story, but sounds extremely difficult to live with.

How will you go?

 

[FuneralCry]

It really is such a cruel existence. I hope that you find freedom from your suffering as none of us should have to endure such pain. Best wishes.

 

[xo777]

I don't know the specifics of your story, but sounds extremely difficult to live with.

How will you go?

I have SN but I feel like when the moment hits I may panic and try to hang my self.

I told my abuser every secret about my family. He made me do disgusting things and I know it will all come out and I can't deal with that. They took all his devices and everything was saved so those will come out, he even admitted he screen recorded without me knowing, everything was there and they will see it . I have always been suicidal but never felt like my reasons to go were valid until now, i'm stuck and I can't.

 

[blackwidow]

I have SN but I feel like when the moment hits I may panic and try to hang my self.

I told my abuser every secret about my family. He made me do disgusting things and I know it will all come out and I can't deal with that. They took all his devices and everything was saved so those will come out, he even admitted he screen recorded without me knowing, everything was there and they will see it . I have always been suicidal but never felt like my reasons to go were valid until now, i'm stuck and I can't.

I feel for you unless the phone holds incriminating things against you then surely you are the abused? you shouldn't have to feel this way at another's hands... we are all here to talk too.. you may feel alone but your not.. just reach out to us all and we can help you through sorting your head out..

 

[Rounded Agony]

I'm new here, haven't seen you around before and can't see your post history, so I don't know, but it seems from what I see here things are about to take a very difficult turn but might not necessarily be as bad as you imagine they will. You seem to have had a nice dinner with your family yet are afraid things you told this abuser might come out. I don't know your relationship with them. whether they know you were abused or what, but again just from what I see here, this might be a salvageable situation in which you're (maybe rightly so) expecting the worst.

Either way I am sorry. If there's much more to it and you are resolute, you won't be alone here.

 

[Hiraeth Grimoire]

I have 2 days to do it and I feel so alone so I am just going to put it here almost like a diary? I have no choice but now i'm lonely and scared and I know I have to do it.
He was finally served with a search warrant and I know that they will want to ask me and knowing all my photos will be seen makes me want to rip off my skin. I'm dirty and tainted now, nothing is okay I only have one way out. I can't turn back time.

I am going to keep this as a diary for the next 24 hours. I had a decent day today I bought my family dinner and dessert and tipped the waiter $200. The conversation they had was what they want at their funeral it was dark it's almost like they know. I sent shopping money to my sister. They thanked me because they just don't know what's happening.

I'm scared. I know that no matter what happens after death I will be okay and the pain will be gone. Never again I will feel stuck and gross.

I know how bad this type of panic is. Sheer hell. I hope that you can peacefully resolve your predicament and find eternal freedom. I will see you on the other side fellow sufferer.

 

[eternal_life]

I have SN but I feel like when the moment hits I may panic and try to hang my self.

I told my abuser every secret about my family. He made me do disgusting things and I know it will all come out and I can't deal with that. They took all his devices and everything was saved so those will come out, he even admitted he screen recorded without me knowing, everything was there and they will see it . I have always been suicidal but never felt like my reasons to go were valid until now, i'm stuck and I can't.

I understand that the abuser is going to show your loved ones something inappropriate against you. Like some kind of blackmail? Your abuser is a despicable being, who is trying to ruin your life. Don't let him. And if he finally shows something to your loved ones that makes you look bad in front of them, they love you and they will forgive you. That miserable abuser does not deserve that you take your life because of him, you do not allow him to beat you, do not give him that pleasure.

 

[xo777]

I told my friends that I was going on holiday which i'm not but that buys me the time to do this without their concern. I feel bad and selfish.
No time was ever going to be right though.
I bought fuzzy pajamas and a new body wash and lotion, it's kind of comforting. I'm going to wash my stuffed animal tomorrow morning. I know I should be upset about the situation but for some reason my mind is just focused on if I want a peppermint drink tomorrow or not, the thoughts all bounce off of that one. I took benadryl to help relax me tonight the anxiety is a lot and I don't know what will be next, i'm scared. I wish I could tell my family and it could be like when the terminal ill patients die surrounded by love but i'll be alone in bed. I knew I would do it one day I just didn't think the moment would hurt so much. I feel filthy so i'm going to shower most likely my last I don't think I will want to shower tomorrow.

 

[Jrmull1993]

@xo777 I'm sorry that you have to go through this alone. I hope you are able to make your final hours as peaceful as possible.

 

[xo777]

I understand that the abuser is going to show your loved ones something inappropriate against you. Like some kind of blackmail? Your abuser is a despicable being, who is trying to ruin your life. Don't let him. And if he finally shows something to your loved ones that makes you look bad in front of them, they love you and they will forgive you. That miserable abuser does not deserve that you take your life because of him, you do not allow him to beat you, do not give him that pleasure.

I don't think he will show but he already made a comment to them that I was able to cover up now that they took his devices they are going to see everything he made me do and he already admitted he's fucked and I know he is. I was the only one he spoke to in the last 2 years and now I feel like all eyes will be on me since the girl who reported it made it about me. I was 15 when it all started and now I feel stuck and just knowing he has showed others makes it worse and I can't stay and feel this disgusting with myself. They might love me but their religion will always be put first.

 

[xo777]

It's midnight I took my shower. I always feel like some people can tell when someone is leaving or maybe i'm just now realizing the good in them as I prepare to leave. They told me how much they loved me and how they wish I felt better one even said they wish they knew how to help me, but he doesn't know I need help? Intuition?
The benadryl helped.
I really want to talk to my old best friend he knew everything, his girlfriend well now wife is insecure with the fact I was a sex either and forced him to stop talking to me. I just need to tell him and I can't. We were never sexual just friends before I even started. I am trying not to hate her but all I need right how is his comfort which will never be here. I want him to tell me how it's okay and how we got through this once and to just relax now all he will have is my obituary if he ever looks up my name. He will never know what happened these nights to push me to this point after I was almost doing okay.

I know I am going to be out of pain soon and i'm happy just sad because there was nothing more I wanted than to feel better. I took the pills, therapist, all natural pills and prescribed ones, yoga and long walks I tried and Tried and I tried. Nothing ever gave me relief. I hate that this is ending like this.

I texted my therapist about the situation. It didn't help. I told the guy who gave good advice "No it's just I don't know that to say"
Was his response.

 

[Jrmull1993]

Have you thought about writing out what you'd like your friend to know? You can always leave a letter behind after your passing.

I wrote 6 that I'll be leaving dropping in the mail the day that I die.

While I get the feeling your mind is racing right now, I hope as the hours pass you start to feel more relaxed.

 

[xo777]

Have you thought about writing out what you'd like your friend to know? You can always leave a letter behind after your passing.

I wrote 6 that I'll be leaving dropping in the mail the day that I die.

While I get the feeling your mind is racing right now, I hope as the hours pass you start to feel more relaxed.

She opens his mail, I sent a birthday card and she flipped out on him for it. She accuses him of cheating constantly so i don't think he would ever receive the letter.

 

[Hollowillow]

I have 2 days to do it and I feel so alone so I am just going to put it here almost like a diary? I have no choice but now i'm lonely and scared and I know I have to do it.
He was finally served with a search warrant and I know that they will want to ask me and knowing all my photos will be seen makes me want to rip off my skin. I'm dirty and tainted now, nothing is okay I only have one way out. I can't turn back time.

I am going to keep this as a diary for the next 24 hours. I had a decent day today I bought my family dinner and dessert and tipped the waiter $200. The conversation they had was what they want at their funeral it was dark it's almost like they know. I sent shopping money to my sister. They thanked me because they just don't know what's happening.

I'm scared. I know that no matter what happens after death I will be okay and the pain will be gone. Never again I will feel stuck and gross.

I don't understand the situation. You sound abused but you ralk as if you were guilty? I've been abused sexually.

If you were abused, The abuser is tainted, not you. The abuser deserves to die, not you. If the police finds the pictures he took of you, they are forbidden to publish them?

But if you were a pedophile collecting pictures... I can't find anything to say... Tell your victims they never deserved it? If you were abused, you sure didn't deserve to feel tainted.

I like to take baths to feel cleaner......

I don't think he will show but he already made a comment to them that I was able to cover up now that they took his devices they are going to see everything he made me do and he already admitted he's fucked and I know he is. I was the only one he spoke to in the last 2 years and now I feel like all eyes will be on me since the girl who reported it made it about me. I was 15 when it all started and now I feel stuck and just knowing he has showed others makes it worse and I can't stay and feel this disgusting with myself. They might love me but their religion will always be put first.

I don't understand... They will barely notice your face, they will be too full of disgust against your abuser. I think I'd be happy to help end his assault & protect others from going through hell. You're a hero!

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation. I do respect everyone's right to end their life- should they wish to. However, I agree with many other posts on here- that it sounds as if it's this other awful person who has extorted, blackmailed and bullied you into this situation. That's absolutely a reason for making you feel the way you do- I'm not questioning or diminishing that. I just wonder if there is still a way out? If any part of you wants to go on living?

Can I ask whether you have told your family about the situation? Have you spoken to the police yourself? It does sound as if your family are supportive. It may be an initial shock but they may be able to support you through this. It's just disgusting that these vile human beings hold so much power over other people. I hope you are able to find peace, whatever your decision.

 

[xo777]

I don't understand the situation. You sound abused but you ralk as if you were guilty? I've been abused sexually.

If you were abused, The abuser is tainted, not you. The abuser deserves to die, not you. If the police finds the pictures he took of you, they are forbidden to publish them?

But if you were a pedophile collecting pictures... I can't find anything to say... Tell your victims they never deserved it? If you were abused, you sure didn't deserve to feel tainted.

I like to take baths to feel cleaner......

I don't understand... They will barely notice your face, they will be too full of disgust against your abuser. I think I'd be happy to help end his assault & protect others from going through hell. You're a hero!

I know i'm not guilty it's just he posted some long ago and the more I find out i'm just done. I think it's more I was just always looking for a reason to leave and I feel like it's finally one. That's true no one would really be too mad at me for what happened besides my family since they are very religious and from the ages of 15- current I would sell daily photos to him which is sex work and makes me feel even worse.

I'm so sorry you are in this awful situation. I do respect everyone's right to end their life- should they wish to. However, I agree with many other posts on here- that it sounds as if it's this other awful person who has extorted, blackmailed and bullied you into this situation. That's absolutely a reason for making you feel the way you do- I'm not questioning or diminishing that. I just wonder if there is still a way out? If any part of you wants to go on living?

Can I ask whether you have told your family about the situation? Have you spoken to the police yourself? It does sound as if your family are supportive. It may be an initial shock but they may be able to support you through this. It's just disgusting that these vile human beings hold so much power over other people. I hope you are able to find peace, whatever your decision.

I haven't told them about the situation they are supportive to a certain point but when it comes to anything such as SA they always blame the victim. I told my sister half of the story, she made me go on a walk and she flagged over a cop. He seemed pretty out of it though

 

[xo777]

i slept in this morning until other cold air was too much. Few messages from friends that I ignored, it stings seeing their messages pop up knowing that if I respond plans might change but if I delete the apps they will be immediately suspicious. Stuffed animal is washed. I have everything measured out.

Winter was always my favorite I wonder if it was going to snow this year. Last year my sister and I were so happy in the snow like the way some people find peace at the beach that was us we were full of happiness biggest smiles playing in the snow like kids. 4 hours until the first 24 is up.
48 hours fits better I need to fast now since I ate yesterday.

I posted here awhile ago that one guy who repeatedly crushed my soul to pieces.

Thats just physical shit. Money gets
earned and qpartments get replaced

You are the girl a guy fucks to get off.
Sounds like she's the type you marry and love.

You armt even that hot. Your a 7
compared to the women I fuck

That guy shared my nudes with his friends that when I was upset: Besides your an escort, a cam girl and love being
fucked by random red necks

That was the guy I did trust and like for awhile. You can't tell anyone how you feel or they will use it against you. What happened was my snapping point but not the full reason. I have dealt with addiction and mental heal struggles most of my life, sexual assault and living with a pimp, losing my best friend to her addiction. It was a lot to deal with and even when surrounded by everyone the loneliness would never fade. I don't even know how to be it it into words how bad these few years were I am too tired to write that one last thing but I promise it was too much.
I wanted nothing but to feel better and I never could. I really hope that I find peace in whatever is next, i'm fucking terrified.

This was planned for ages everything was bought so I don't know why i'm now shaken up. Everyone says it will be painless but I don't know. I've never been dead before haha this is new but it's like ripping off a bandage even if it does hurt it will be over so quick.
Even though I know I am going to be happy and i'll see my best friend again and everything i'm just sad.

I'm upset that he showed photos of underage me. I'm upset that things in my life made me feel like this when others are so happy or deal with the same things and bounce back. Why can't I be like that?

Edit: I took more sleeping pills to calm my nerves and a Xanax I had leftover. I am going to mix the drink now with water from the kettle which will dissolve it. I have one piece of a chocolate mint from the restaurant I will have after drinking.
I put a few fluffy blankets on my bed along with my lap desk which has the mint and a heating pad. Heating pad is mostly just for comfort it's already plugged in and a heated blanket also, I think it might help me calm down during the wake period I know I will likely panic and so to prevent that I have made the area very safe. No reason to get up after I get the water poured, I took photos of the door locked and everything I might want to get up for or to fix which will just delay leaving. Everyone dies it's normal it can't be that bad maybe i'll be something still but nothingness won't be scary it'll just be lights out like sleeping, i'm never scared of falling asleep i'll be okay. Maybe something maybe i'll see everyone again or maybe i'll come back as a bee or something smaller, never a human again if reincarnation is real I doubt i'll ever be anything like this again. It'll be okay i'll be okay tonight I am going to feel better. No more crying or pills.
The sooner I go the sooner i'll get to see what's next if anything that's pretty exciting.
Even though I know the chance of nothingness is much more possible I still said my prayers. I'll find my way

Edit 2: If took awhile for me to lay in bed my leg was shaking from the anxiety of it all I guess. I have one of those bed rest pillows and the heated blanket is warm and the heating pad is set on low I am cuddling it ha it's pathetic. Between the warmth and the pills I took to relax I think I am ready to go. I unwrapped the chocolate and set it next to the drink, why is this so terrifying? I just want to feel calm but my heart is racing.

I drank 3/4 of it and I am trying to get the rest down. It taste so bad. Part of me regrets doing this but I know deep down. that things were never going to improve.
2:34pm

2:37I finished the drink and I had my little chocolate that didn't help the taste. The taste is making me feel nauseous. This isn't a very good update attempt i'm doing but thank you all for making me feel a little less alone during all of this and when I first joined in april.

I don't know if i wanted this as much as i thought i did i'm freaking out on the inside when i attempted yeats before i ran out the door to get help but j think i'm going to be okay i'm still scared but i have no choice i'll be okay i'm going to cuddle up now and save the post before i can no longer

 

[1000winds]

Goodluck xo777, i'll be joining you soon

 

[xo777]

Goodluck xo777, i'll be joining you soon

Good luck to you also

 

[Hollowillow]

I hope that he never touched you and only manipulated you to sell photos without any physical or mental violence. I understand being poor. Some people do far more than photos to eat or take drugs to ease pain... If you are ashamed just don't do it anymore. I'm in physical pain, constantly, due to washing everything I own with an acid I can't remove. If you're healthy, you still have a chance to learn & blossom. But I saw the dirth of this world and I want out too. I asked for help, was sexually abused, ridiculed, abandonned... The mental pain was far worse than the burning pain out & in my body... I was told by a nurse that the poison is in my head, with a condesvending tone full of despise. She could have saved my life with tips to ease the pain... Instead I almost jumped out her car... I should have... Instead to endure hours of humiliation with 2 friends... Being invalidated by overworked nurses at the emergency hospital, I could almost excuse the cruelty ... But it was plain sadism ...

So I understand wanting to leave.

If he never touched you, you're not tainted at all. Just exposed. You can still see it as a noble sacrifice to catch a pedophile before he goes to the next level of doing rapes & murders... It's awful that you fell prey... But you can learn & be wiser. You can even become a social worker with real compassion, that would be a refreshing change. Narcissistic predators like easy victims & become nurses, therapists, psychiatrists, psychopaths even work for the police... They like power, fragile vulnerable people.

You can escape this shitty world (please take me with you), you can grow to become a genuine help to prevent abuse or help heal... Or you can just put it aside as a learning mistake from youth & find something that you enjoy.

It didn't work out for me. Honestly... I don't think the good made the bad worth it... I wish I had a time machine to go kill myself as a child... By mercy...

If you're sure, I understand. But it sadden me to see a life ruined by someone else's mistake. You're not the trash who deserves to die. As much as I hate pedophiles, they must be lonely, insecure & in pain to need to prey on people much younger... I'd pity them but I'd still send them to hell. I don't feel that for you. If he never touched you I feel relief. Many people expose themselves on facebook and only look like desperate horny women... I bet you can find many ex guts who posted the nudes given by their ex as revenge... It's awful, but at least he didn't give you aids and a baby that you end up forced to raise... The doors of your dreams aren't locked yet. You can wash off the stain... But if you saw enough of this ugly world, I understand... It gets worse... You can end up married to a violent guy, who rape you & your kids... You can still escape even if he does death threats. Your escape now would be easier. Your face & style will change as you grow so you can deny that it's you. The cops will hopefully not post your photos publicly. They should not circulate again, locked as evidence among countless faces... I hope that you won't hurt yourself more than he already did, you suffered enough. But if you find a safe way to get the hell out of this stupid society... Let me know...

I know i'm not guilty it's just he posted some long ago and the more I find out i'm just done. I think it's more I was just always looking for a reason to leave and I feel like it's finally one. That's true no one would really be too mad at me for what happened besides my family since they are very religious and from the ages of 15- current I would sell daily photos to him which is sex work and makes me feel even worse.

I haven't told them about the situation they are supportive to a certain point but when it comes to anything such as SA they always blame the victim. I told my sister half of the story, she made me go on a walk and she flagged over a cop. He seemed pretty out of it though

 

[Peaceinsleep]

I hope you found peace

 

[Shivali]

 

[houseofleaves]

…

 

[Foresight]

Jesus, she was abused and literally everyone in her life let her down.

Rest easy. I'm so sorry.

 

[MyStateKilledMe]

I'm sorry you're feeling miserable enough to CTB. I hope the misery either ends, or you find comfort after going through with it.

That said, I made this thread back in 2020. It's a pre-CTB checklist. Maybe you'll find it useful: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ctb-checklist.37667.

 

[Idontmatter]

I'm sorry you're feeling miserable enough to CTB. I hope the misery either ends, or you find comfort after going through with it.

That said, I made this thread back in 2020. It's a pre-CTB checklist. Maybe you'll find it useful: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/ctb-checklist.37667.

Thanks for posting this. It's going to help me as I plan mine.