Lacking courage or 100% desire is frustrating.

[Sweetsinking]

Wanting to die and researching methods is so awful when you have no courage. I'm scared to suffer, fail, mess up, survive with disabilities. Sometimes I want to see the future and try, see how life goes. I'm suicidal and want to die, I've thought about it for the last 7 years, but I don't want to die at the same time. I hate this. I don't want to fall into the statistic of most depressed suicidal people never killing themselves especially because I'm spiteful. I'm so embarrassed posting here in 2023 and still being here.

I'm just so lonely. I've never had passion. I don't want a job, to go to school, to have kids, to buy a house, to find interests and hobbies, to have anything. My boyfriend has friends and plays with them all night, having surface level boy banter, and I'm so envious. I like videogames, but I have no friends to play with and talk to like he does. I argued with him because he played the ONLY game I ever play with him, with his friends. So now I have nothing to play with anyone. But even then I don't even want to seek friends. I just go to college incase I do end up with a future, and then I rot.

I want to end all of this. I'm so depressed and anxious and hopeless every single day. I also want control over my death which is another reason for killing myself. I just have no courage.

 

[sobsob]

i relate to this so much... im getting closer and closer to sealing the deal in terms of CTB but im nervous that when the time comes to actually do it, ill chicken out. and i hate to think that anyone would view my suicidality as "less severe" simply because i am afraid of pain and failure. i want to kms just as much as all the people who have successfully done it, i am just scared!!

i get your loneliness too, it seems like we are in similar situations. i have a bf and hes basically my only friend. i do have other people im close with but i see them pretty rarely and we dont just hang out or spontaneously do stuff. most of my day is going to classes, going to work, and going home to rot lol. and while im hella lonely i dont have the confidence or will to try to make friends, which is something im actually coming to terms with recently. im enjoying my alone time more these days.

if you want, you can dm me :) i also like video games. maybe we can be less lonely that way

 

[soonnotkoei]

i swear being between depressed and full suicidal is the worst place to be. you are craving death but at the same time your brain is pulling you back in to life. i mean once you're past this point you actually have a reassurance that you're going to ctb for sure, but being in this area is horrible.