Story Lack of self compassion while suicidal

[Livingvsdying25]

I do not have much self compassion for myself in general. I was just starting to experience this feeling for the first time in my life. It was a very "under my skin" icky kinda feeling but it was getting there.


I have nne of that when suicidal. I slept a little/struggled to sleep. Felt like I started to have a bit of a nervous breakdown. My body really really hurts like beyond sore. I didn't do that much but this is how my body responds to stress and such. Like even my ribs and such are sore/painful to touch... I'm sure this also has to do with a health issue I have yet to test for.. I can't really walk that well either.

Kinda want to book a massage therapy appt.. my friend had found someone trauma informed but I don't really like being touched... so it was helpful but uncomfortable... I'm not sure I can handle it rn. I was looking into like massage balls but I would prefer to buy them today vs Amazon for delivery tmrw...

Im blank,empty and planning to isolate. Even though all of this is painful...I will either cancel or pretend for the 2 appts. Not sure yet. Hoping to get some more sleep but probs not.

Im just barly holding on. Still struggling with the method
At this point my struggle is just pathetic.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Early Afternoon update:

One of my workers is sick so had to cancel. Its the newer one so thats actually ok but... I just don't feel like faking it or having redundant convos. I want to cancel the meeting. Tried to and then just felt... not good. I dunno. Nothing much will come outta it.

My phone is on airplane mode. I've started the official process of isolation. I just want to dissappear.

I wish everyone would just forget me. I don't want to be a concern anymore.

I don't feel that great physically. Don't think im gonna sleep much today Will just do the dishes later. I can't take much of this life anymore.

Im just watching youtube videos to keep my head somewhat busy. Not in the place to plan a suicide attempt but in the place to execute one and end my life for once and for all.


I have not been this close in awhile. It a dangerous sign when I feel comfortable in isolation but. this is just where I am at.

I guess I have lost hope bc I can see how things get better but quite like the usual I'm not interested in life/living.

Back to youtube videos for the next like 3 hrs