Discussion Lack of interest but also ability

[whatevs]

I find that right now I lack interest in doing things, achieving things, striving for things. But at the same time I am not ready to kms. It's just that I have seen through the bullshit of society/life compounded by being acutely aware of my shortcomings.

Most things are just uninteresting, but if we are being honest some crucial activities or objectives of people are hard or very hard to achieve by me, an autistic schizotypal or whatever the fuck I happen to be.

It's a weird limbo of leeching from my parents to survive mechanically and don't really wanting anything in life. I am coding right now just because it distracts me, I see no reason to strive for a job or a place in society. I think being friendless and a conspiracy theorist for so many years has really disturbed me. I'm beyond marginalized. Humans just look like another animal to me, not like fellows. I just feign the reactions needed to get along, but many of them are the opposite of what I actually would respect, like honest, interest in the supernatural etc. I understand that we are supposedly fellows, but I just look human. Many of the traits and aspirations that make you human aren't here, inside me.

I went from cheering for societal collapse and rampant misanthropy to just emptiness and aimlessness. It's feels like hanging around a place where you should have long abandoned. But I don't want to die. I'm trapped.

 

[Painless_end]

I am a lot like this.

I hate striving for anything too. My mother suffers from constant anxiety because of me.

I made what I feel is a bad decision career wise many years ago (which I cannot undo or change now), which has led me to now become dependent on my parents to survive.

I just wish I would die already. But it's hard because I don't feel like ending it either.

 

[whatevs]

I am a lot like this.

I hate striving for anything too. My mother suffers from constant anxiety because of me.

I made what I feel is a bad decision career wise many years ago (which I cannot undo or change now), which has led me to now become dependent on my parents to survive.

I just wish I would die already. But it's hard because I don't feel like ending it either.

My mother has aged rapidly, and in part I'm to blame (two siblings are also chronically ill but less stressful). My parents have been under an additional weight with me, no doubt, though they seem to appreciate my presence.

Overall I'm more selfish than what's considered normal, so I don't connect that much with people that want to go because they feel like a burden or are ashamed. I feel all of those things, don't get me wrong, but I'm more self absorbed. If I do it that will be because life isn't attractive to me anymore, not to help anybody, which I wouldn't do anyway, as it would hurt my family greatly.

 

[lostundead]

What kinds of conspiracy theories were/are you into?

 

[whatevs]

What kinds of conspiracy theories were/are you into?

It started with "Illuminati symbolism" in 2011, but then "hoaxes and crisis actors" caught my attention. Later on (2016) I experienced the Mandela Effect in my personal life, researched it, confirmed that even people close to some of the changes sometimes remember the old version, and then I settled into "this world is some kind of simulation/programmable illusory reality".

So that's where I am now. Of course when the whole COVID thing happened I was into consuming conspiracy media about it, opposing house arrest, forced masking or mandatory vaxx but it became boring and irrelevant at some point. If the majority wants to be treated like that by the government you can either leave or put up with it.

 

[lostundead]

It started with "Illuminati symbolism" in 2011, but then "hoaxes and crisis actors" caught my attention. Later on (2016) I experienced the Mandela Effect in my personal life, researched it, confirmed that even people close to some of the changes sometimes remember the old version, and then I settled into "this world is some kind of simulation/programmable illusory reality".

So that's where I am now. Of course when the whole COVID thing happened I was into consuming conspiracy media about it, opposing house arrest, forced masking or mandatory vaxx but it became boring and irrelevant at some point. If the majority wants to be treated like that by the government you can either leave or put up with it.

Look up 'dancing israeils'. You'll be having a blast with that one.

 

[LastFlowers]

Humans just look like another animal to me, not like fellows. I just feign the reactions needed to get along, but many of them are the opposite of what I actually would respect, like honest, interest in the supernatural etc. I understand that we are supposedly fellows, but I just look human. Many of the traits and aspirations that make you human aren't here, inside me.

…Now I see why you like that book so damn much lol
But what do you mean by an interest in the supernatural?
Seems like a great many people are interested in that (much to my chagrin), unless you mean it in an atypical way?
Sorry, I'm only curious because of the specificity within the rest of what you were saying.

Do you ever feel like you will snap when you are feigning reactions to get along?
I feel like part of the reason I isolate is to avoid having to partake in the expected "fakeness", I am forced to betray myself when I am anything but alone, I don't think I have the wherewithal to upkeep the sticky saccharine filter and doormat persona, even the occasional interaction is becoming impossible, so it becomes better to just avoid people altogether, for this reason, and many more.
I wonder if some people internalize to the point they achieve complete apathetic numbness-their insides eviscerated and lost forever, while others simply implode in a fit of rage.

It's just that I have seen through the bullshit of society/life compounded by being acutely aware of my shortcomings.

Once your eyes are forced open, good luck shutting them. I don't think there's any coming back from it, but I don't believe it's necessarily a bad thing, I think it's just tedious and alienating when most other people are not like this, and do not experience anything in their lives to alter that fact. I would like it very much if the curtain was lifted from every corner of the earth, and the rose-tinted glasses fell from the rest of the population's grasp, I swear some hold onto them for dear life..because they can.

Once you've reasoned out your lot in life, it's easy to predict the odds of whether or not you will thrive, and if the answer is no, it usually means residing in a perpetual (aforementioned) limbo until some miracle of death frees you, that or a sudden bout of dumb luck, which is less likely.
Sounds like you have become a hollowed out witness chained to a fate you did not ask for, did you feel any worse or better when you still had some fervor with cheering for the collapse of society?

I wish I had something more helpful or constructive to say, so sorry you are struggling with this.

I was interested in coding at one point too, along with a slew of other shit, but my mind is deteriorating along with my body and I just have zero motivation or energy to do anything, especially when I know it will all be pointless, like cultivating passions or skill sets which will not be acknowledged in a manner that permits further flourishing or fulfillment, putting so much effort into something just for the end result to be wasted and dumped along with my corpse.

From your other comment it sounds like your family cares for you though, I'm no good at navigating that sort of minefield as my own family doesn't give a rat's ass, so I don't have to worry about hurting them with my death.
It will make little to no difference.
Do you think they are at all what is holding you back?

I'm wondering too, do you think your lack of interest was born from realizing your lack of 'ability'? Or are they sourced separately?
..I suppose living a certain way for so long could also contribute to this, which you pretty much already said yourself.

 

[myopybyproxy]

I have seen through the bullshit of society/life compounded by being acutely aware of my shortcomings.

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