GreenMarsh
Member
- Oct 17, 2023
- 59
Hey gang,
I was curious about this subject, since after reading through the forum, I think my perspective might be fairly unique, but feel free to call me out if this is a common point of view.
As far as friendships go, I'm not afraid to make friends and be open with them, although part of me feels guilty that I can never fully open myself up to this side of me to them. I have been lucky enough to meet someone who's extremely kind and understanding, and would probably even be a part of this community. In all years of life, she's probably the only person I've met who "gets it." She does live extremely far away however, which is a damn shame. I have some other very good friends, who although don't know this side of me, they nonetheless will get an incredibly good review in my suicide note.
As for dealing with the guilt of leaving them behind, honestly, this is somewhat selfish of me -following my own moral compass rules- but in this case, I can't help but to want my cake and eat it too. Although I wouldn't call myself someone social by any means, I enjoy telling my true feelings to people and speaking my mind with them. This is made difficult given that I can't share the things I share here with everyone, but I have other emotions besides wanting to kill myself that my friends allow me to express verbally or through writing; I feel bad for deceiving them, but seriously, thank you guys. The worst part is, they're such good people I don't even think they'd blame me. This is the one aspect of my life I consider myself "lucky" in.
However, as far as falling in love goes, the story is a bit different. In my opinion, falling in love is a two-step process. The first step is the involuntary feeling you may or may not get after spending enough time with someone you like being around, and you really have no control over it. The second step is the love you choose to give; technically we can all love anyone, but that doesn't mean we should, however, when you combine your voluntary emotions with the ones that you involuntarily feel, it creates something truly beautiful. It's one of the few good things about life, not that it makes it worth living, mind you, but I'll give it credit where it's due.
All of that last paragraph being said however, I feel too guilty to be in a loving relationship with anyone. As I've stated in some previous posts, I pride myself in my honesty and ability to communicate, and while I can make some hypocritical exceptions with my friends, if I am to love someone, that is a compromise I can't make with myself, as I do believe a good relationship is built on communication. However, nonetheless, I crave to feel the feeling, and for the past year and a half, I've been stuck in the cycle of going on dates, hoping to find something I know I shouldn't seek, and failing to find it regardless. And what would I even do if I found it? Well, it would hurt, but I want to experience the feeling of love before I die. I don't want a loving relationship, but I want to tell myself that I too could feel this way, and carry that amazing joy as I catch the bus to whatever's on the other side. It would certainly bring me peace in a way nothing else could.
IF YOU READ THIS FAR, THANK YOU!!!
This is a feeling I'd never been able to express anywhere, and you are the first people to ever learn about this side of me. As a writer, I appreciate your eyes all over my words.
I was curious about this subject, since after reading through the forum, I think my perspective might be fairly unique, but feel free to call me out if this is a common point of view.
As far as friendships go, I'm not afraid to make friends and be open with them, although part of me feels guilty that I can never fully open myself up to this side of me to them. I have been lucky enough to meet someone who's extremely kind and understanding, and would probably even be a part of this community. In all years of life, she's probably the only person I've met who "gets it." She does live extremely far away however, which is a damn shame. I have some other very good friends, who although don't know this side of me, they nonetheless will get an incredibly good review in my suicide note.
As for dealing with the guilt of leaving them behind, honestly, this is somewhat selfish of me -following my own moral compass rules- but in this case, I can't help but to want my cake and eat it too. Although I wouldn't call myself someone social by any means, I enjoy telling my true feelings to people and speaking my mind with them. This is made difficult given that I can't share the things I share here with everyone, but I have other emotions besides wanting to kill myself that my friends allow me to express verbally or through writing; I feel bad for deceiving them, but seriously, thank you guys. The worst part is, they're such good people I don't even think they'd blame me. This is the one aspect of my life I consider myself "lucky" in.
However, as far as falling in love goes, the story is a bit different. In my opinion, falling in love is a two-step process. The first step is the involuntary feeling you may or may not get after spending enough time with someone you like being around, and you really have no control over it. The second step is the love you choose to give; technically we can all love anyone, but that doesn't mean we should, however, when you combine your voluntary emotions with the ones that you involuntarily feel, it creates something truly beautiful. It's one of the few good things about life, not that it makes it worth living, mind you, but I'll give it credit where it's due.
All of that last paragraph being said however, I feel too guilty to be in a loving relationship with anyone. As I've stated in some previous posts, I pride myself in my honesty and ability to communicate, and while I can make some hypocritical exceptions with my friends, if I am to love someone, that is a compromise I can't make with myself, as I do believe a good relationship is built on communication. However, nonetheless, I crave to feel the feeling, and for the past year and a half, I've been stuck in the cycle of going on dates, hoping to find something I know I shouldn't seek, and failing to find it regardless. And what would I even do if I found it? Well, it would hurt, but I want to experience the feeling of love before I die. I don't want a loving relationship, but I want to tell myself that I too could feel this way, and carry that amazing joy as I catch the bus to whatever's on the other side. It would certainly bring me peace in a way nothing else could.
IF YOU READ THIS FAR, THANK YOU!!!
This is a feeling I'd never been able to express anywhere, and you are the first people to ever learn about this side of me. As a writer, I appreciate your eyes all over my words.
