Knowing you missed out on love is the worst.

[darkcirclesunder]

Its the worst because its knowing that once true love is over, you can never experience it again. Im sorry, but i dont believe love past the age of 25 is true love. Its based off of purely transactional forms of status such as having a degree and owning a home and having children. Yes, while your wife may love her life she created with you, she may not ultimately love you, just the life you gave her. I think true love is only in your teen years and early 20s, but even that love is very fickle and fleeting. But especially me, some one who hasnt even gone to college, has no passions, and never developed in that standard american way (sex in highschool, college, and then settling down at 26 and having a degree) i just know i missed that boat in life. That boat is in the indian ocean and im in the alaskan pacific ocean. Those people who will experience love have already experienced it their whole lives. Theoretically, if i worked really hard these next 3 years i might have a shot at this transactional love that is ultimately just raising a family, and i dont want a family with the way society is going, houses will be 20 million dollars in the next decade or so, how will i keep up with that?

Its also a form of embarrassment, knowing because you had a trash life with trash parents, poverty, and you were neglected and thrown in the trash, you were cut off from love.

 

[Rounded Apathy]

I think you're deluding yourself into believing a falsehood you already know to be such – love in youth absolutely is fickle and fleeting. What's so "true" about that? It may be more simple, uncomplicated, but it is also immature; a young mind is far less likely to be open to and receptive of caring constructive criticism, let alone able to give it. There are pros and cons to both. And even if you're with someone from this age into adulthood, how does that magically make you exempt from all those pressures you mentioned? You don't get to live in some fantasy-land exempt from responsibility just because you married your high school sweetheart.

The sad truth is life is effort no matter what, and the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

Yeah, shit has crushed me beyond recognition. Maybe we can find something else to do while we're here.

My current technique for dealing with this sort of thing (and other thought-induced emotional pain) is to write the thoughts down in a book and then make sure that all of them are (1) unnecessary and (2) harmful. Once sure of it, I simply catch the thoughts once I have them, "Yep, that's in the book." (They are easy to catch since they usually come in fairly hot). Then, I'm able to discard it (more or less successfully depending on my sleep/diet/exercise/mood/etc).

Didn't work too well tonight, though. For some reason I get adrenalized when exposed to those things I missed, and sometimes can't sleep that night. Hearing someone come home late, hearing youths partying, reading relationship/sex stories online, etc. After lying in bed sleepless I couldn't really use the technique and went soyjak-mode once again. Not as bad as it used to be back then, though, I can feel some great deal of distance to myself and the pain. Fuck, I talked about myself again (running joke since the first month I joined, lol).

P.S; sorry about the comments you are about to receive. They are just trying to help with something they don't understand. Anyway, if you get the comments I predict, there could be some good in those (hidden under the, often, near-total invalidation and aggressive stance).

 

[darkcirclesunder]

Yeah, shit has crushed me beyond recognition. Maybe we can find something else to do while we're here.

My current technique for dealing with this sort of thing (and other thought-induced emotional pain) is to write the thoughts down in a book and then make sure that all of them are (1) unnecessary and (2) harmful. Once sure of it, I simply catch the thoughts once I have them, "Yep, that's in the book." (They are easy to catch since they usually come in fairly hot). Then, I'm able to discard it (more or less successfully depending on my sleep/diet/exercise/mood/etc).

Didn't work too well tonight, though. For some reason I get adrenalized when exposed to those things I missed, and sometimes can't sleep that night. Hearing someone come home late, hearing youths partying, reading relationship/sex stories online, etc. After lying in bed sleepless I couldn't really use the technique and went soyjak-mode once again. Not as bad as it used to be back then, though, I can feel some great deal of distance to myself and the pain. Fuck, I talked about myself again (running joke since the first month I joined, lol).

P.S; sorry about the comments you are about to receive. They are just trying to help with something they don't understand. Anyway, if you get the comments I predict, there could be some good in those (hidden under the, often, near-total invalidation and aggressive stance).

That might help, ill try that suggestion. Do you just write a column of thoughts under the words "unnecessary" and "harmful" these thoughts give me a panicky sick feeling, and it makes me want to ctb by jumping. Its also mixed with deep emotional sadness and rage that is surpressed. It is maddening, knowing the matthew principle that those who have keep gaining, and those who have not keep losing, this pattern repeats over and over in life and is truly the epitome of what the world is. The only way i could see one beating this is essentially throwing a "hail mary pass" but again its made from desperation and unlikely to succeed.

 

[Zegers]

Love at that point is all about appearance and popularity, don't think it's much different at any particular time anyway.

Good luck

 

[AloeGarten]

its hard not to place such significance on love and relationships when its everywhere, youre constantly reminded of it everywhere you go, even if you dont interact with the world, the crippling lonliness youd feel is a constant reminder of what youre missing out on. even if you know that love/a relationship is temporary its still an amazing experience, life itself is temporary, that doesnt make something less enjoyable in the moment. something truly unique. not that il ever know what it feels like but i understand why people are so obsessed with it, and i agree that knowing you missed out/will never experience what everyone else can is really the worst

 

[GasMonkey]

As a 38yo KHHV, I totally understand this.
Looks like there are a lot of us here in the forum (in fact, the founders were incels).
It's over buddy-boyos, our fate was coded in our genes. It was over before it even began.

 

[GenesAndEnvironment]

That might help, ill try that suggestion. Do you just write a column of thoughts under the words "unnecessary" and "harmful" these thoughts give me a panicky sick feeling, and it makes me want to ctb by jumping. Its also mixed with deep emotional sadness and rage that is surpressed. It is maddening, knowing the matthew principle that those who have keep gaining, and those who have not keep losing, this pattern repeats over and over in life and is truly the epitome of what the world is. The only way i could see one beating this is essentially throwing a "hail mary pass" but again its made from desperation and unlikely to succeed.

Basically, this and the original post would probably go under the category "unnecessary and harmful". Checking if the thought is harmful is easy, since they'll bring emotional pain instantly. If one is unnecessary, we'll decide that by checking if it's useful or not (since we can have unpleasant thoughts that are still good to have, as they serve a purpose greater than the temporary emotional damage). As an example, thinking about how some other guy is having a great life would both be harmful (sadness/jealousy/etc) and unnecessary (thinking about him would not get us further to relaxation/finding something to do/increasing health/etc).

I just write the thoughts down, sometimes specific word-for-word and sometimes general topics. What's important is to trust that these belong in the book and to trust that you don't want to suffer unnecessarily. Hope it helps a bit, works for me (at least, in normal circumstances, when it comes to avoiding the brunt of the emotional strike).

 

[WhatPowerIs]

The sad truth is life is effort no matter what, and the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

That's why it sucks!

 

[WhiteRabbit]

Your post talks about what a potential partner may want in the future, but what do you want your future to look like?

 

[Cathy Ames]

My current technique for dealing with this sort of thing (and other thought-induced emotional pain) is to write the thoughts down in a book and then make sure that all of them are (1) unnecessary and (2) harmful. Once sure of it, I simply catch the thoughts once I have them, "Yep, that's in the book." (They are easy to catch since they usually come in fairly hot). Then, I'm able to discard it (more or less successfully depending on my sleep/diet/exercise/mood/etc).

This is very good. I hope a lot of people will see this and try it. Also, it can help to write the thought down (again) even if you know it is in the book. Not sure why... possibly experiencing the minor annoyance of recording it makes it less likely to happen again. Thanks for sharing this. I used to do a similar thing but stopped. I need to start again.

 

[PreussenBlueJay]

As a 38yo KHHV,

Had to look up that acronym. Hey, I did alright! When I got rejected I got a hug.

I think you're right about our innate worthlessness. Nature takes risks with the boys and we are the waste scraps.

 

[chocolatebar]

Lack of experience is one of the most hurtful life outcomes and one most people are unable to undersrand.

Even if we experience some of the missed things much later, it's never the same and will never fill the void...

 

[hamvil]

There is love also past 25, it just did not last for me and was not fully recprocated.

 

[CowsAreCool]

You might never find what you're thinking of. Love is often romanticized, to the point where any relationship won't feel like what you'd expect to be "true love". Love, marriage… it's supposed to be a sacrifice. You are choosing to form a union, a team, with someone else. To raise a family and create a life. For better or for worse. "Love" and marriage is never perfect. It's sacrificial.

The concept of "true love" and "the one" is why I think marriages fall apart so often in western society. People get married, the honeymoon phase ends, and they convince themselves that their SO isn't their true love. They meet someone else and leave.

What you're looking for might not exist. But who knows. If it does, I figure you'll know it when you meet him/her.

As a side note, I think your sum up was hilarious: "sex in highschool, college, and then settling down at 26 and having a degree". Yes, I suppose that's the American way. But it's not the only way.

 

[foreverfalling]

I've wanted to find true love as well, but ultimately realised it doesn't exist. Doesn't stop me from wanting it though. I have so many elaborate fantasies that nothing in real life could ever compare to them. I compare it to wanting to have superpowers, and suffering because it is impossible to get superpowers.

Perhaps also think whether the 'love' other people experience is actually what you think it is? I'd like the think they are all also faking it like they do on their facebooks. They don't actually love each other they way you think they do, but try to project the image of that onto other people, perpetuating the lie.

 

[ever so lonely]

see i have experienced love but only once, mist of my relationships since have consisted of nothing more than the odd casual hook ups, but they seldom work out, when i was a teen i experienced love unlike any other since, but then when i developed mental health issues that prevented me from working at the time she upped and bolted, never gotten over it, a week later a mutual friend saw her with somebody else (i moved on pretty quick too but more as a rebound), i still love and miss her to this day, and sometimes pine for her, it has been around 10 years now i believe and still think of her, i have accepted it is over but i still struggle, i dont even think she spares me a thought, i do feel women are better able to move on than men in my experience, no always but vast majority of the time, they seem so at ease with simply forgetting somebody, i still love the woman tho it isnt easy, i wished i hadnt experienced it in a way, as you cant miss what you never had, experiencing it and losing it is the worst, because it crushes you under its weight, people say move on and i have i feel, but they arent her and never will be