Kink vs self harm?

[AmericanMary]

So I live a rly active bdsm lifestyle. I identify as a non sadistic switch, but above all a masochist.

For so many years I have been enthusiastically consenting to all kinds of things with so many different people. My body is literally covered in scars, bruises, burns, wounds, etc. A lot of permanent damage & some nerve damage. I have done some rly crazy shit.

I do this because it is the only thing that shuts my mind off. When I am doing kink stuff, my mind literally cannot think of anything else. It shuts off, forgets about all of my problems, trauma, experiences, etc and solely focuses on what is occurring. The pain is 100% not what I'm going after. So tbh I don't even know if I am a masochist.

I also really internalize the pain. A lot of people describe "cathartic" releases when doing this. Screaming, crying, begging. I have never experienced that. I just hold it in & see how much I can take. I have never ended up crying. Sometimes I laugh if the energy is good. But if it REALLY hurts I just hold it in.

I haven't talked to a lot of other "masochists" about their headspace or why they play. But the few I have had said they do it because they like the pain or want the energy & connection with somebody.

I have spent the past decade thinking I'm into some really kinky stuff. But am I…? Or is this just a way that I can hurt myself.. without actually hurting myself?

I have a lot of trouble hurting myself. I have never been able to cut or burn myself. Recently, I have started shoving a lot of needles through my skin. It took my a year to be able to do the first one. But this is also kinda artistic in a way.

Idk. Does my headspace & internalized pain sounds similar to reasons you may self harm? If you're into kink, does this sound similar to how you play?

Originally I got into it for an ex. When that ended, I figured out how to monetize my knowledge and experience. And then I found a community. The community is what kept me.

I also experience a crazy adrenaline high after. People often throw out the term "subspace" but I am pretty confident this is not the same thing.

Also 99% of what i do is absolutely nonsexual.

When I bottom, I will let almost anyone who isn't on the sex offender list & can prove to me they can do it safer do this stuff to me.

But when I top, I am so particular about who I do it with. I am so careful in how we do it, what we do. I will not hurt anybody. When I top, it is ALL sensual.

 

[Wolf-Alice]

I do this because it is the only thing that shuts my mind off.

This is self-harm. Your reason is shared by many.

I also experience a crazy adrenaline high after

This is what makes it an addiction.
PLEASE get help. I am genuinely sicked by what you've said and I've read a lot of crazy shit. You haven't asked for my advice and I'm merely a stranger, but I truly hope you stop doing this.

 

[mehdone]

Oh, dear.
I'm not gonna kink shame you- you do you, do whatever works for you.
But those folks who dominated you? Yeah, they should have seen the difference. It is not about how much pain someone can take.
They shouldn't have pushed it to those limits- that is not what bdsm is about. It is not about harming someone to the point where they need stitches. Permanent scarring may be a part of it if it is consensual. I mean, it is all okay if it is consensual.

It sounds like it may be harm allowed by others, and self harm in that way, but I guess it really all comes down to consent. Still, there are… meh. Just because someone lets you hurt them, doesn't mean you should take advantage of that.

That you have to ask this question tells me that perhaps you have given too much of yourself to your Doms, or haven't had a proper contract or conversation prior to engaging in play where limits were set. Perhaps this is because you went into it with no limits- but even still, that doesn't mean one can abuse you to that degree just because you don't react. No limits doesn't mean no care for the partner.

We all do kink for our own reasons, healthy or not. I guess the bigger question is, does it add or subtract from your life?

Why are you now questioning it? That you are questioning it means perhaps it is time to find and set your limits regarding kink.
There should never be nerve damage or other permanent damage, period.

 

[AmericanMary]

Oh, dear.
I'm not gonna kink shame you- you do you, do whatever works for you.
But those folks who dominated you? Yeah, they should have seen the difference. It is not about how much pain someone can take.
They shouldn't have pushed it to those limits- that is not what bdsm is about. It is not about harming someone to the point where they need stitches. Permanent scarring may be a part of it if it is consensual. I mean, it is all okay if it is consensual.

It sounds like it may be harm allowed by others, and self harm in that way, but I guess it really all comes down to consent. Still, there are… meh. Just because someone lets you hurt them, doesn't mean you should take advantage of that.

That you have to ask this question tells me that perhaps you have given too much of yourself to your Doms, or haven't had a proper contract or conversation prior to engaging in play where limits were set. Perhaps this is because you went into it with no limits- but even still, that doesn't mean one can abuse you to that degree just because you don't react. No limits doesn't mean no care for the partner.

We all do kink for our own reasons, healthy or not. I guess the bigger question is, does it add or subtract from your life?

Why are you now questioning it? That you are questioning it means perhaps it is time to find and set your limits regarding kink.
There should never be nerve damage or other permanent damage, period.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read my post. And I really appreciate such an insightful response.

So yes, people have violated my consent before. But that is VERY rare. Out of the hundreds of scenes I have done, only a handful.

I do have limits. And I make those very clear to the people I play with. (I do not refer to most of them as my doms. They top me, but they are not MY dom.) But my limits are pretty much all sexual based limits. I practice consent in this way: you are allowed to do xyz to me. Do not assume anything else. Instead of this way: you cannot do xyz but everything else is on the table.

I have, however, told almost every single one of these people my headspace and reason for playing. Not a single person has ever questioned it. I don't know who that reflects on more- me or them.

Some of the scenes did go too far and result in permanent damage. I do agree that is both the fault of the top & myself. Some permanent damage is 100% negotiated. And some was accidental- my body healing slowly or getting to a point of not being able to heal anymore.

But this has 100% without question added to my life. I would have CTB yearsss ago if it wasn't for this lifestyle. And I have built my entire community around it. I have met some of the most amazing people.

Idk why I'm thinking about it now. I've lightly had this thought before, but always brushed it off. My entire life is literally work and bdsm. I read a post earlier about self harm that I resonated with.

Also I don't think all permanent damage is necessarily bad. If somebody is doing it for the right reasons. For ex, cutting a design or flower into skin. Some of this stuff is truly beautiful. Imo that isn't much different than getting a tattoo. Which MANY people would defend isn't self harm.

And these people do provide aftercare (I always turn it down) and medical attention. I am the one who said no to stitches. They do take care of my body. And they check in afterwards for a few days to make sure I don't "drop."

 

[mehdone]

No, consensual permanent "damage" such as a scar is not bad- it is no different than a tattoo or brand, and can *absolutely* be beautiful.

Nerve damage is a different story, although sometimes this may happen accidentally.

I may have read your initial post wrong, it came across to me as people taking advantage of you, rather than respecting you. If that is the case, my sincere apologies.
I should note that I am far from an expert in this field.

 

[AmericanMary]

No, consensual permanent "damage" such as a scar is not bad- it is no different than a tattoo or brand, and can *absolutely* be beautiful.

Nerve damage is a different story, although sometimes this may happen accidentally.

I may have read your initial post wrong, it came across to me as people taking advantage of you, rather than respecting you. If that is the case, my sincere apologies.
I should note that I am far from an expert in this field.

Ohmygosh no, I absolutely love this. It REALLY makes me think.

But I will say, men outside of my community have 100% taken advantage of me more than anyone I have ever met in my community.

& the nerve damage- I knew was a high risk in something I did with burning. It wasn't intentional or like wanted, but I knew the risk.

 

[mehdone]

I am not part of a community- but I would guess that there is some self policing in the community, yes?

Might account for that. I mean there are assholes everywhere- men, women, cis, lgbtqia+. Unfortunately, there are always abusers, and some are better at hiding it than others.

 

[AmericanMary]

I am not part of a community- but I would guess that there is some self policing in the community, yes?

Might account for that. I mean there are assholes everywhere- men, women, cis, lgbtqia+. Unfortunately, there are always abusers, and some are better at hiding it than others.

There is policing in a way, yes. If somebody continues to purposely violate consent, they are literally banned from the community. Pretty much everyone goes through a check to make sure they aren't on the sex offender list. But as you said, there are assholes everywhere.

Imo, if this is self harm, I have found a way to do it as SAFE as possible. There is no question in my mind if these people are abusers or not. They definitely are NOT. And I am not questioning their reasons. Just my own.

 

[mehdone]

Then I would say all is well.
It adds to your life. It helps you live. As long as you know your limits and they are being respected, kink is kink, not self harm. As long as it is not detracting from your life.
We all have our own reasons for the things we like. And a lot of us use things to work through our own trauma or issues, or simply to cope.

I think the biggest question is whether or not it is healthy for us- and that is something that we have to answer on our own.

 

[persimmon]

Ohmygosh no, I absolutely love this. It REALLY makes me think.

But I will say, men outside of my community have 100% taken advantage of me more than anyone I have ever met in my community.

& the nerve damage- I knew was a high risk in something I did with burning. It wasn't intentional or like wanted, but I knew the risk.

Pretty much every woman I've known through the scene has said the same thing about regular clubs being way more dangerous and less respectful of boundaries/consent than kink events. The catharsis others report is more common but maybe the adrenaline high you get after is the magic ingredient for you?

 

[willitpass]

The way you phrased the initial post was a bit concerning, but your later processing seems a bit different. In my experience as a SEVERE self harmer, it either comes from a place of needing instant emotional release or more often for me, it comes from a place of punishing myself and feeling I deserve the pain and suffering. I think questioning some of your behavior was a good place for self reflection, but it seems you have been able to process it and (I'm not your psychologist, so don't take this as said and done), I don't think this is necessarily self harm. Everyone has their own things they are into, and if you are able to set boundaries, feel comfortable in what is being done to you, and don't feel taken advantage of, then I think this is just some serious masochism and not necessarily self harm. I think it all comes down to why you're doing it and your mental state during and after. Do you do it because you want to cause yourself harm as a release or because you deserve it or you feel you need an external visualisation of your pain? Do you feel guilty for what you are doing to yourself? Do you feel angry, disgusted, or ashamed of yourself after? I think those are the sort of things that differentiate self harm and BDSM.

 

[Ash]

Based on my own experiences, BDSM brings release in the form of pleasure and satisfaction, whereas the associations with self harm are negative.