Kind of told a colleague…

[SuffrInSilence]

Got a colleague (friend maybe? Idk) who I trust. She's been through some shit. Stuff similar to me.
I didn't directly say I was suicidal. There's a local charity that supports people feeling suicidal. I told her I got support there about 2 months ago. I *think* judging by her reaction, she's not suicidal herself but understands it or has been there before. I've long thought she might have recovered from an eating disorder in the past, but she's never said it and I don't push.
she talked about a woman she used to be friends with who was suicidal and that she'd take herself to be sectioned every few months when it got really bad. She said she thought it was really brave.
that was basically it, we didn't really talk more about this but I keep thinking about it

i don't feel brave for trying to keep going. I don't think of myself as struggling with suicidal thoughts, I am suicidal and I'm struggling to live. I think if I was really brave, I'd have just walked in front of a train by now.
I think she won't think I'm brave when I'm dead.
I don't wish I hadn't told her. She's nice and she cares. But it will be worse for her afterwards because she knew and she couldn't help.

 

[Ambivalent1]

I tell people soon after meeting them. It's a way of speeding up the bonding process and/or inevitable dissolution of the relationship.

 

[FuneralCry]

At least telling that person didn't make things worse, as in many cases telling people about wanting/planning to die has lead to the suicidal person being punished by suffering even more in a psych ward or has meant that other people have interfered in plans to die.
In this anti suicide society I always see it as being a terrible idea being so open about wanting to die. And I don't understand why someone would see those who continue to stay here as being "brave", as existing is the default option, like if someone doesn't ctb they have no choice but to continue, those who have the courage to ctb are the brave ones instead, I admire them for choosing to end all the suffering.

 

[SuffrInSilence]

At least telling that person didn't make things worse, as in many cases telling people about wanting/planning to die has lead to the suicidal person being punished by suffering even more in a psych ward or has meant that other people have interfered in plans to die.
In this anti suicide society I always see it as being a terrible idea being so open about wanting to die. And I don't understand why someone would see those who continue to stay here as being "brave", as existing is the default option, like if someone doesn't ctb they have no choice but to continue, those who have the courage to ctb are the brave ones instead, I admire them for choosing to end all the suffering.

She's good, she wouldn't do that unless it was her last possible option. Takes a lot for me to trust people, she's probably the only person I'd trust with this. Plus I was a bit drunk but eh no damage done.
I agree with you. I see her logic I think, to her, to most people, suicide is giving up and if you just keep fighting you'll be happy in the end. If you buy into it, it makes "fighting" brave.
I think she's very kind. I just think she's wrong. Hurting yourself and staying alive out of obligation doesn't seem brave.

 

[MrBrownUpsideD]

I'm not sure if refusing to give up hope is brave or oblivious.

 

[AkaRed]

She shares a different, more common belief, and that's okay. She doesn't sound like a bad person whatsoever and I wouldn't expect her to advocate for your CTB automatically either. I think her comment was more directed at how her colleague was brave enough to admit to herself that she wanted help, and actively took it. I think both CTB and recovery can be seen as brave. Admitting you're not okay and wanting to take the right steps for yourself is inherently brave in my opinion since it takes a lot for an individual to process that. Especially regarding suicide. She may not agree that it counts as brave on the opposite side of things with CTB, but that's okay. At the very least, you have support here in regard to that- and your feelings are valid.
Whatever you may choose, I just hope you're sure about your decision. Be it recovery or otherwise. If you are adamant about CTB and are worried about hurting her, I wouldn't bring up the topic too much, at least not about yourself directly. It can be heavy, but don't let it stop you from thinking for yourself. Wishing you the best!
<3

 

[SuffrInSilence]

She shares a different, more common belief, and that's okay. She doesn't sound like a bad person whatsoever and I wouldn't expect her to advocate for your CTB automatically either. I think her comment was more directed at how her colleague was brave enough to admit to herself that she wanted help, and actively took it. I think both CTB and recovery can be seen as brave. Admitting you're not okay and wanting to take the right steps for yourself is inherently brave in my opinion since it takes a lot for an individual to process that. Especially regarding suicide. She may not agree that it counts as brave on the opposite side of things with CTB, but that's okay. At the very least, you have support here in regard to that- and your feelings are valid.
Whatever you may choose, I just hope you're sure about your decision. Be it recovery or otherwise. If you are adamant about CTB and are worried about hurting her, I wouldn't bring up the topic too much, at least not about yourself directly. It can be heavy, but don't let it stop you from thinking for yourself. Wishing you the best!
<3

I think this is more or less where my thinking is at. I probably shouldn't have brought it up, I just have a thing about lying and she asked me very specifically how I'd been doing.
I just wanted to say what my thoughts were I guess and there's not many spaces where I could do that

 

[SuffrInSilence]

Just to add because it feels like it matters: she was kind, she was empathetic, she didn't call an ambulance or whatever but she also didn't do anything. Not that I expected her to but I think it's worth saying. She knows I'm a mess. We went out with a mutual friend tonight and I know they saw it. I watched them see it.
they can't help. There's nothing they can do that makes it better. They know it's bad, they know I'm fucked. I think at least the colleague in the thread above if not both women know I'm almost done. They can't help. I don't know if I wanted help or I just wanted someone to know.

There is no help.