Venting Kind of bitchy comment on wanting to ctb:

[MeltingHeart]

Ok- so I have many complex reasons for feeling like i need to ctb. but one of the reasons in super simplified terms is - i dont want to just live for the sake of it, to just exist for the sake of it, but to be kind of miserable or have to delude myself that my life is ok & not as bad as other peoples in the world, I dont want to live even semi-miserably. For many reasons that would take wayyyyyyy to long to explain, I know that I cant achieve or have the life I had hoped or wanted for myself-and I am quite an easily satisfied person- I didnt have grand ambitions, wants or desires, i had very modest hopes and dreams-but i know they can not come to fruition now & to be quite frank- I simply do not wish to lead an inferior life to the one I wanted for myself, why would I/should I? In order to have to constantly mentally 'trick' myself that I am happy, to 'grin and bear it', to force myself to see the glass half full-when it is not how I really authentically feel inside!

You can see people around in life that just seem to be so damn miserable, their lives are dull or monotonous and they seem so fed up & down trodden, you can see it in peoples faces & body language (yes, i am aware that some might just be having a bad day, week or year or whatever-but not all!). Normally this seems to be middle aged or older-those that are just ground down by life-but they plod on. Yet these people simply would never ever contemplate suicide, its just is not/would never be in their realm of thinking, whether that is for moral, religious, fear or other reasons-they just dont consider it at all, which is fine of course! But for me- I just dont wanna live like that-I dont want to exist miserably, to just go through the motions till I die of old age-the thought truly terrifies me! And so, as they say on Dragons Den.... "And for that reason, I'm out!"

 

[Jean4]

Lots of love Melting. I completely understand your feelings.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I agree with this so much!! I simply do not want to live purely for the sake of existing. I too just had modest goals, hopes and dreams. Things that are easily obtained by most people but are now impossible for me. Simply knowing that I was robbed of a chance at the life I knew I should have had is too much to bear.

 

[WilliamKline]

Ok- so I have many complex reasons for feeling like i need to ctb. but one of the reasons in super simplified terms is - i dont want to just live for the sake of it, to just exist for the sake of it, but to be kind of miserable or have to delude myself that my life is ok & not as bad as other peoples in the world, I dont want to live even semi-miserably. For many reasons that would take wayyyyyyy to long to explain, I know that I cant achieve or have the life I had hoped or wanted for myself-and I am quite an easily satisfied person- I didnt have grand ambitions, wants or desires, i had very modest hopes and dreams-but i know they can not come to fruition now & to be quite frank- I simply do not wish to lead an inferior life to the one I wanted for myself, why would I/should I? In order to have to constantly mentally 'trick' myself that I am happy, to 'grin and bear it', to force myself to see the glass half full-when it is not how I really authentically feel inside!

You can see people around in life that just seem to be so damn miserable, their lives are dull or monotonous and they seem so fed up & down trodden, you can see it in peoples faces & body language (yes, i am aware that some might just be having a bad day, week or year or whatever-but not all!). Normally this seems to be middle aged or older-those that are just ground down by life-but they plod on. Yet these people simply would never ever contemplate suicide, its just is not/would never be in their realm of thinking, whether that is for moral, religious, fear or other reasons-they just dont consider it at all, which is fine of course! But for me- I just dont wanna live like that-I dont want to exist miserably, to just go through the motions till I die of old age-the thought truly terrifies me! And so, as they say on Dragons Den.... "And for that reason, I'm out!"

Amen

 

[jgm63]

I fully understand your mindset.
Is it mostly physical issues that you have ?
( because I tend to think other stuff is mostly fixable, although I realise that might be oversimplifying in some cases )

 

[Soul]

... Sometimes one looks at a row of people waiting to see a doctor, for example, and they appear to have less feeling and imagination and prospects for the future than the furniture they're sitting on. I suppose when they go home someone loves them, or their grandchildren delight them, or ... I don't know - there must be something that elevates them!

@MeltingHeart, can you go abroad and try life as an ex-pat? Sorry if that's off the wall - I support you making your own decisions of course, but somehow felt compelled to ask that.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I fully understand your mindset.
Is it mostly physical issues that you have ?
( because I tend to think other stuff is mostly fixable, although I realise that might be oversimplifying in some cases )

Not physical, its not fixable, I have spent every day for a year & many many hours thinking about it & written well over a hundred pages on why & why it is not fixable. I get why some people think things are though. But only I really truly know why it isnt. thks anyway.

... Sometimes one looks at a row of people waiting to see a doctor, for example, and they appear to have less feeling and imagination and prospects for the future than the furniture they're sitting on. I suppose when they go home someone loves them, or their grandchildren delight them, or ... I don't know - there must be something that elevates them!

@MeltingHeart, can you go abroad and try life as an ex-pat? Sorry if that's off the wall - I support you making your own decisions of course, but somehow felt compelled to ask that.

ha ha yeah i know what u mean-but i guess they must have something that keep them plodding on-day in and day out!!

I often recommend going abroad to other people, but for me I have no desire to try and start afresh anymore- to try and build up a new life-yet again!,-ive tried so so hard-i just cant do it anymore. Too many struggles for so few positive outcomes. Its just too hard, its not worth it. I'm exhausted. thnku for the suggestion though.

 

[anchored_astronaut]

I think I understand. I never had particularly grand dreams either. All I ever wanted was to get a job, move away from home, and find a partner- the things almost everybody manages to do- but I won't be able to for a number of reasons. I can't live the life I want to live, so I don't want to live, not when I'm only doing it in the sense that I'm breathing. I'm not really alive. I'm just not dead yet. It'd be better if I were.

 

[OverItAll]

Ok- so I have many complex reasons for feeling like i need to ctb. but one of the reasons in super simplified terms is - i dont want to just live for the sake of it, to just exist for the sake of it, but to be kind of miserable or have to delude myself that my life is ok & not as bad as other peoples in the world, I dont want to live even semi-miserably. For many reasons that would take wayyyyyyy to long to explain, I know that I cant achieve or have the life I had hoped or wanted for myself-and I am quite an easily satisfied person- I didnt have grand ambitions, wants or desires, i had very modest hopes and dreams-but i know they can not come to fruition now & to be quite frank- I simply do not wish to lead an inferior life to the one I wanted for myself, why would I/should I? In order to have to constantly mentally 'trick' myself that I am happy, to 'grin and bear it', to force myself to see the glass half full-when it is not how I really authentically feel inside!

You can see people around in life that just seem to be so damn miserable, their lives are dull or monotonous and they seem so fed up & down trodden, you can see it in peoples faces & body language (yes, i am aware that some might just be having a bad day, week or year or whatever-but not all!). Normally this seems to be middle aged or older-those that are just ground down by life-but they plod on. Yet these people simply would never ever contemplate suicide, its just is not/would never be in their realm of thinking, whether that is for moral, religious, fear or other reasons-they just dont consider it at all, which is fine of course! But for me- I just dont wanna live like that-I dont want to exist miserably, to just go through the motions till I die of old age-the thought truly terrifies me! And so, as they say on Dragons Den.... "And for that reason, I'm out!"

I totally get this. It's also why I've never had kids - always felt like a societal construct, just something you did because it's expected.

But yeah, just living for the sake of living. Could it be worse? Sure, and that's often kept me going. Also why I turned to Stoicism as a crutch to lean on. Maybe an ordinary, forgettable, unremarkable life is fine, good even, or better than bad at least. But I struggle to see the point.

Sorry, I really don't know why I'm replying, not like I'm being of any help, really just wanted to show you a bit of solidarity in so far as absolutely being able to relate to where you're at.

 

[MeltingHeart]

I totally get this. It's also why I've never had kids - always felt like a societal construct, just something you did because it's expected.

But yeah, just living for the sake of living. Could it be worse? Sure, and that's often kept me going. Also why I turned to Stoicism as a crutch to lean on. Maybe an ordinary, forgettable, unremarkable life is fine, good even, or better than bad at least. But I struggle to see the point.

Sorry, I really don't know why I'm replying, not like I'm being of any help, really just wanted to show you a bit of solidarity in so far as absolutely being able to relate to where you're at.

Thankyou for yr understanding. And it's ok as I am no longer seeking help- it's too hard. Just venting. I'm not an antinatalist though. I do think life has value - just not mine anymore. I really wanted to have kids- again just not anymore. I've always up to a point been fairly stoic myself & would have happily settled for an unremarkable life- just not one full of relentless struggles. Sadly :(